


You Can Let Go

by Arok88



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:00:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 40
Words: 61,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26426761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arok88/pseuds/Arok88
Summary: What happens when you fall in love with someone who you weren't supposed to? What happens when they use those emotions that you feel for their own form of pleasure? What if you just can't let go of them even though you know you should? What do you do if you almost miss your shot at true love because you are too hung up on what happened to you in the past? What happens when you finally let go and realize that everything you need was always right there in front of you ready to love you without question? "I need you to know, that you can let go"
Relationships: Brian Littrell/AJ McLean, Nick Carter/AJ McLean, Nick Carter/Kevin Richardson
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

AJ sat his drink down and sighed with disappointment yet again. This seemed to be a never ending ritual that he had somehow managed to get himself involved in and he no longer could see a way out of the torturous sorrow he felt in his heart.

He tipped his glass on the side and swirled the ice, not tilted enough to cause a spill, but just enough to give him something to do so he wasn't sitting alone at the party like the loser he felt he was. He should have known better. He always knew things worked out this way; he just hadn't seemed to learn the lesson yet.

The ice he had in his glass had long since started to dissolve with the coke making a lighter, less appealing version of the drink he had ordered before he had walked away. The melting ice was only a bitter reminder of how long he'd be sitting alone at the table.

They had performed that night at the MTV Music Video Awards for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Despite the fact that their ensemble had diminished into a four man band they still managed to make the girls swoon and the screams were loud. This was supposed to be a celebration, their return to the pop world. They were met with open arms, so why did he feel so alone?

He didn't need someone else to fill in the blanks on this one. This time he knew alcohol aside, what his problems were. The only major problem was he had no idea how to get himself out of the shit he was in now. He never expected it to be this way. Granted he should have known, he wasn't this stupid after all, but something had made him fall anyway, into a deadly dangerous web of lies, secrets and heartbreak. The only heart that would be breaking regardless of outcome however was only his own.

After the awards show they were all invited to attend one of the countless after parties. AJ tried to avoid these types of gatherings at any cost, but this was supposed to be their big celebration. They weren't supposed to celebrate alone-right? That's how he got suckered into attending instead of just going back to his hotel room. He was stuck at some industry event where the alcohol and drugs were running rapid, not to mention he was left alone at the table by his three other band mates not twenty minutes after arriving.

He had thought, prayed really, that they would have at least stuck around for most of the first hour and then he could have just left whenever they decided to leave the table, but somehow that was not the way it happened. Nick had spotted his brother and sisters somewhere in the crowd and had run off after them and Howie had mentioned something about talking to one of the members of N Sync he wasn't even sure which one anymore.

That left him alone at the table with Brian, which AJ was more than thrilled about. He had tried to get the older man alone all day, they hadn't seen each other since that morning and he just wanted to be close to him, but as soon as he had scooted just a little too close to him in the booth Brian had bolted saying something about having to go to the bathroom leaving AJ alone to pretend not to be hurt.

AJ had wondered to the bathroom some ten minutes after Brian had left the table but he wasn't inside. He looked around the party a few more moments before he found Brian in a corner. AJ got a great idea to sneak up on him. It was the perfect opportunity, no one was around, and no one would see them. His plan in motion he crept closer to his lover trying not to give himself away when he heard Brian's angelic voice say the one thing that could make AJ's stomach twist in circles.

"I love you Leigh. I'll be home soon baby, I promise."

AJ had to bite back the sob that threatened to scream from his lungs. He backed away from the corner and Brian quickly trying not to let the tears fall. The biggest names in entertainment were all smashed into the small little club; he did not need to be spotted crying.

He pulled his sunglasses out of his jeans pocket and quickly slipped them on his face to help hide at least to the outside world that his heart was breaking all over again. He had to gain his composure and soon. Brian could be coming back to the table soon and things would not go over well if he seen how upset AJ was or why he was so upset.

He quickly made his way back to the table he had previously occupied and took a seat. He looked into his glass again and sighed in disgust at the completely melted ice/cola combo that was left in the glass. He tried to keep his tears at bay but it was beginning to be unsuccessful. He took a couple deep breaths to steady his heart. He took off his sunglasses and laid them on the table before burying his face in his hands.

When did things get so complicated?

Once again he didn't need someone else to fill him in. He knew the exact month, day, minute, second that his life became so flipping complicated. It was the moment he fell in love with a married man, his best friend, Brian.

He thought what he was feeling was nothing more than a crush, something that would go away in time. He never imagined that it would blow up into this major mess that had taken over his life. Hell, he never imagined he would get anywhere with Brian, but he had, and they were lovers, secret lovers.

He knew he was in love with Brian, had even told him on more than one occasion, but Brian wasn't interested in love. He said he had plenty of love in his marriage and didn't need someone else to love him, no, what he needed was much more physical. He needed a fuck buddy, for lack of a better term.

Leighanne hated being on the road, which left Brian alone and unsatisfied for weeks at a time, so AJ had quickly filled in the void caused by her absence with much enjoyment. That was until he fell too hard for his older band mate and his heart broke every time he pictured his love with his wife.

He knew he was being ridiculous and a big baby, but sometimes it hurt too much to just be someone to get off with when he himself wanted so much more out of Brian, he wanted his love, but that was something Brian was unwilling to give.

AJ sighed again and rubbed his tired eyes. Sometimes, more times that not, he felt like he had gotten himself in a situation that had no solution. He was always going to be the one getting hurt, but he was powerless to break free of the hold Brian had erected on him.

He sat there for several moments scanning the crowd of entertainment stars and press. It seemed like more and more people were showing up the later it got. He would give anything to be able to go back to their hotel and fall asleep. He was physically and emotionally exhausted, but he couldn't leave until Brian was ready to go and who knew when that would be.

It seemed that he was coming into his own anymore. He went to more clubs, stayed out later, and drank more than AJ had ever seen before. He had mentioned this to the other two guys a couple times before but they just chocked it up to Brian finally acting out after having an almost perfect boy existence up until this point. AJ looked up as Brian sat across from him at the table drink in one hand and his cell phone in the other.

Brian took one look at AJ and rolled his eyes. He was in no mood to deal with AJ's emotional bullshit tonight. He was tired, horny, and annoyed. He had expected Leigh to come and join them in the next city before they began the North American leg of their tour. She had promised and he had looked forward to it for weeks. Now she called with some lame excuse about it not being the right time to come out and she'll meet him in one of the cities closer to Atlanta. He got tired of this shit every day.

He swallowed the rest of the alcoholic concoction in his glass with a grimace. He needed some sleep. He did not however want to go back to the hotel and have AJ acting like he lost his best friend because Brian didn't have the same feelings for him as AJ did. He just wanted to have sex and go to sleep. Was that too much for one man to ask for? And if AJ was a willing candidate then what really was the problem with his plan? Nothing that Brian could see.

"You about ready to head back? I'm exhausted." Brian said looking AJ straight in the face. He tried to get his point across but wasn't quite sure if AJ was understanding or not. He did not want to have to spell everything out this evening.

"Yeah, I suppose. Are you coming back to my room, or going on to your own?"

Brian rolled his eyes. He was beginning to lose his temper. He would have to work really hard to keep it in check. He became sort of a short fuse when he was drunk.

"Let's just go. I'll let you know when we get there."

AJ sat his glass down on the table and stood up. He did not like the look in Brian's eyes so much. He knew the older man was annoyed with him, why, well that was something he would probably never know the answer too. Brian was not a nice person when he was drunk and AJ just assumed that they spend the night apart so that he wouldn't have to deal with Brian being an asshole. He didn't figure his luck would hold out however and could already see the horrible evening that lie ahead.


	2. Chapter 2

AJ laid exhausted and broken on this hotel room bed, silent tears streaming down his face that he did not have the energy to wipe away. He hated Brian, no scratch that, he hated himself. He hated his lack of self control and self confidence. He hated that he could not stand up for himself, hated the hold that Brian had somehow managed to hold on him. He just hated everything.

After they had left the after party AJ had held on to the hope that Brian would be so tired that he would just go back to his own hotel room and go to sleep.

That was not what Brian had in mind however and he forced himself into AJ's hotel room. All AJ wanted was to lock himself in this hotel room and collapsing into an exhausted heap and not moving again until he was actually needed tomorrow afternoon. He had no idea that with as drunk as Brian was that he could manage to force himself inside the hotel room. He had told Brian that he though it would be best if they slept apart this evening and that he would just see him tomorrow, but that wasn't what Brian wanted to hear. Brian just wouldn't take no for an answer.

AJ closed his eyes and tried to forget how it felt to have Brian's hot, drunken breath on his neck, filling his senses and making him curse the day he ever began drinking. He tried to forget how Brian had forced him down and clumsily climbed on top of him and after AJ tried to resist he got violent, pinning AJ to the hard hotel bed and taking the last shred of dignity that AJ had left.

He loved Brian. Since leaving rehab he had been a different person; more loving, carefree, trusting. For the longest time AJ had been pleased with the change and fully believed that it was what he needed to do to be able to succeed. But so far all it had done was get AJ in the biggest mess of his life. He wasn't so sure he liked the change anymore.

AJ was beyond tired, but he knew if he tried to still his body and go to sleep that he would only relive the nightmares. Brian had gotten exactly what he came into the hotel room for and passed out shortly after. AJ laid there beside him until he knew he was asleep then he slowly made his way out of the bed and grabbed his things. He moved to the unoccupied room that the boys always reserved for traveling family, press, and management. AJ had never been so thankful for the extra room. He had thrown his belongings into the nearest chair and collapsed on the bed, which is where he was currently lying.

He needed a shower. He needed to wash his body from the inside out. He was broken in more ways that one. He never would have imagined that Brian would have done this. He was changing sure, anyone who wanted to open their eyes and look could see that. He had really believed that if he just held on, if he just kept giving Brian all that he had to give then he would love him too. He could see now that that would never happen, that everything Brian said were lies, but he also knew that there was nothing he could do about it. He was in too deep. He had allowed Brian to become his lover, even when Brian took more than AJ wanted to give he still loved him. He didn't have the strength to leave, to fight Brian on a continuing basis about why he wanted to end their little affair. He knew Brian would never understand, never accept it. Besides, this was the first time that Brian had took something AJ wasn't wanting to give. Even if it broke AJ's heart more o do so he couldn't leave.

He needed to get up, shower, move on and try to forget the everything that had happened since the awards show had ended. He slowly made his way to the bathroom, stumbling along. He was unsteady on his feet and needed to go to sleep, but it was imperative that he shower first. There was no way he could lie down until he had cleansed himself. He turned on the taps and allowed the water to heat up. He turned and looked in the mirror, grimacing at what he saw. His eyes were dark and swollen from crying. The eyeliner he wore to the awards show had ran along with the mascara creating black tear tracks down his face. He hated that Brian had made him like this. He hated that he had ever opened himself up to Brian, up to the possibility of being hurt like this. He hated he wasn't strong enough to walk away.

No one knew that their relationship had taken a more intimate approach. They all just assumed that Brian had been the person that AJ had opened up more to in rehab and that he needed Brian more than anyone else to stay sober. This was all true, but it was a lot deeper than that. No one knew that they had become way more than just good friends.

He stepped into the shower and tried to silence the scream that threatened to fall from his lips after stepping under the searing hot downpour. Although the water was burning his skin, turning it warm pink in color, he didn't make a move to get away from it. He welcomed the pain. It took the focus off of the pain in his heart. He had no idea how he was supposed to continue on like nothing was wrong, but he had to for the good of the group. But then again maybe he deserved it. After everything he had put the other guys through, maybe it was time he got his dues. This time he didn't have the familiar burn of the alcohol to help numb his senses. He would just have to continue on feeling like his world was closing in on him. He sunk to the bottom of the shower and allowed the hot water to completely envelope him.


	3. Chapter 3

AJ sat in the empty hotel cafe eating a slice of toast and downing a cup of black coffee. He enjoyed these quite times where he was not being pulled in five hundred directions. Since beginning to tour he felt like he couldn't catch a quiet moment alone to breathe. It seemed like during every long hiatus they took before touring again was just long enough for him to forget how hard it was to get back in the swing of things, but here they were beginning to start another world tour. Even though they left him exhausted and on the road for months on end he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. He thanked the waiter as he filled his coffee cup for the third time. He would definitely need the caffeine today. He had managed to get roughly an hour sleep before he had to be back up and ready to go again for their telephone interview. He hated early morning interviews. After he had called in and did his part of the interview he decided to get some coffee and something to eat.

He sat his coffee cup down on the table just as Nick slide into the chair across from him. Nick reached over and grabbed one of the remaining slices of toast off of AJ's plate and happily munched away, pleased with himself for grabbing it before AJ slapped him.

"No Nick, I wasn't eating that." AJ barked sarcastically rolling his eyes.

"You look like shit J," Nick said wiping the crumbs of toast off of his shirt and lap.

"Thanks Captain Obvious," AJ said uncomfortably shifting in his seat. "I didn't sleep so well last night."

Nick studied him for a long moment before continuing. "Everything alright J?"

"Yes Nick. I'm fine. No I'm not drinking and No I don't want to talk about it." AJ mouthed off angrily before he could help himself.

Nick slunk back in his seat, hurt. He lowered his eyes to study a stain on the floor and tried not to focus on AJ's hurtful words. He wasn't trying to be a pain, honest, he was just concerned. He hated seeing AJ so defeated. He looked so, so broken and alone.

AJ sighed loudly. "I'm sorry Nick. I'm just a little on edge is all. I didn't mean to take it all out on you. None of it is your fault."

Nick sat in silence for a moment before nodding his head, accepting AJ's apology. The two men sat quietly eating their toast. Before long they were joined by the other two remaining members of the group. Brian sat next to Nick, ignoring AJ completely. AJ watched him for a moment and then shifted his attention to the story that Howie was trying to tell him. AJ tried to ignore the quickening of his heart as Brian at down. He shouldn't be scared of Brian, he shouldn't feel the things he did, but he also couldn't help it.

Brian focused on messing with Nick, trying to annoy him by poking him in the side. He knew that drove Nick crazy. He did everything he could think of to keep from focusing on AJ. He felt like shit for what had happened the night before. His actions were seared into his memory. He could not believe that he allowed himself to behave that way, and at the same time he felt like it was a little bit of AJ's fault as well. He never told him no until the very end and by that time Brian had managed to convince himself that AJ really didn't mean it, that it would be like all the other times.

Maybe this was something that he should tell Leighanne; get it out in the open. Maybe then he wouldn't feel so horribly about himself. But he couldn't do that. One word of it from his mouth and he knew Leighanne would be gone and he didn't want that. He loved her. He knew he didn't portray that to the other guys that much, and but he loved her with every fiber of his being and he would do everything in his power to make her happy. It broke his heart that she had cancelled on him at the last minute and he had just snapped. He drunk way more than he should have and AJ had paid the consequences for everyone's actions, but still he couldn't make himself feel badly enough to apologize to the younger man.

Brian's cell phone rand amidst his trying to torment Nick. He quickly dug in his pocket trying to find it before it stopped ringing.

AJ watched Brian's face out of the corner of his eye. He knew exactly who it was. He tried hard to listen to Howie go on and on about his newest real estate endeavor but he just couldn't seem to focus on a word that Howie was saying. He stared at his poor friend's face and watched his lips move but not processing the words that he was saying.

Brian jumped up from the table almost knocking Nick's coffee over in his rush to the lobby. Leighanne's phone call had sparked a new interest in Brian. He couldn't believe she was really coming! He was so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had missed her so much. He couldn't wait until she was back in his arms again, where she was supposed to be. She had hopped onto a plane and would be arriving at the hotel in a matter of minutes. He didn't even bother to try to think of what had happened to make her change her mind; he was simply thrilled that she had decided to come visit after all. He was so excited he could barely contain himself. He had missed her so terribly. They had been apart for the entire two weeks that the boys had been in rehearsals, preparing for their new tour. He wondered however how long she would stay.

He waited impatiently for a few moments, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, not being able to stand still. He heard the doors whoosh open and a loud uproar. He tried to see but didn't want to come out from behind his bodyguard until he knew for sure it was Leigh. The fans were not allowed into the hotel lobby but he was still scared that they would try to rush the doors. He could see them all lined up outside and was thankful that they would not be leaving until later that evening.

His smile grew as he say Leighanne make her way towards him. He rushed towards her and swooped her up in his arms holding her close. He breathed in her scent and relished in the fact that he had made it this long without her. God how he missed her. She allowed him to hug her for a moment longer before shrugging him off of her and handing him her bags.

"Lets' not cause a scene dear, "She said fluffing her hair out.

Brian looked at her hurt for a moment before nodding. He handed her bags to his bodyguard and instructed him to place them in his hotel room. He quietly took her hand and led her back to the table where the other guys were still eating breakfast.

Nick looked up and smiled at them as Brian and Leighanne came back to the table. Nick looked back over at AJ as they sat down, fully prepared to ask this time for another slice of toast. He had learned his lesson. He would never take without asking again. He was taken aback by the death glare that AJ was sending in his general direction. He looked around the table before realizing the others were oblivious to AJ's dirty looks. He pondered for a moment almost hurt before he noticed that the looks were not directed at him but at Brian and Leighanne. Nick thought for a moment, trying to understand the anger that AJ was directing at them. Nick racked his brain trying to figure out if AJ and Brian had gotten into an argument recently. He could not think of anything but made a mental note of it so he could figure it out later. He continued to study AJ as he nervously pushed his coffee cup back and forth on the table.

AJ never spoke but continued to keep his gaze fixed on the coffee cup. He tried not to focus on the happy couple sitting in front of him. He tried to ignore the pain he felt by his love, his lover sitting there hanging all over his wife. He knew being jealous and hurt was his own fault but he just couldn't stop the emotions from grabbing hold. His heart was breaking all over again.

He glanced up and caught Nick's curious gaze. He swallowed hard and shifted in his seat so he wouldn't have to look at Nick either. This breakfast was beginning to get a little old. He would have to be more careful around the other guys or they would start to suspect something was going on, something more than some petty little argument. If he didn't watch himself then they might start to figure out that AJ's feelings weren't exactly all that friendly. He downed what was left of his coffee and stood up, pushing himself away from the table.

"See you guys later," He said. "I'm going to go take a nap before we have to leave again." He stretched for good measure and walked quickly away towards the elevators.

Nick waited until he was sure that AJ was gone before he spoke. "What's going on with J, Rok?" Nick asked seriously.

"How should I know?" Brian mumbled before going back to his conversation with Leighanne.

Howie glanced at Brian curiously. He had noticed AJ's desperate attitude and was glad Nick had picked up on it too. "Well you two have been attached at the hip for quite some time Bri," Howie said gently. Nick looked at Brian carefully and tried to push back the nagging feeling that Brian was lying right to their faces. He wasn't sure what was going on with his two friends but whatever it was Nick had a sinking feeling that it was something serious. Whatever it was he was determined to find out what was going on.


	4. Chapter 4

AJ sighed, frustrated as he tried unsuccessfully to make all of his clothing fit into his suitcase for the fifth time. He was beginning to lose his patience. They would be leaving for the first stop of their tour, having just finished two long weeks of rehearsals. He needed to be ready to go on time, but his suitcase was making this an impossible task. He could barely keep his eyes open from lack of sleep and he could not seem to make all of his important clothing fit in the fucking suitcase.

He had had every intention of taking a nap but once he had managed to reach the solace of his hotel room he was reminded again of all the horrific things that had happened the night before and it was next to impossible for AJ to even close his eyes let alone settle down and drift off. Once his hotel room door slammed shut he felt completely alone and desolate. His heart as completely broken and just looking at the bed made him somewhat afraid. He wasn't sure when, if ever, that he would feel normal again.

He had quickly busied himself packing and getting his things together to move on to the next city. He was dreading the bus ride, but he knew being late would only make things worse. He didn't want to get Howie in an uproar. Howie hated when things did not go according to plan and being late would definitely fuck up the plan.

AJ couldn't believe Leighanne actually showed up. She hated being on tour. He was actually starting to believe that she wouldn't come this time and he and Brian could figure whatever this was between them out the right way. He thought he would have time to convince Brian that he should be with him and not her. Then she showed up, fawning all over him and hanging on his every word. Was he the only one who could tell it was all for show? Her whole public display of affection was fake. The woman didn't have an affectionate bone in her body, let alone one for Brian. AJ could clearly see she had no real feelings for him, but somehow Brian managed to be out of his mind in love with her. He still couldn't understand why he was the only one who could tell how fake she was.

Just as he tried to zip the suit case for the sixth time, the zipper got stuck. As he yanked it roughly to make it zip the rest of the way it jammed up more and began to split down the side. He let out a strangled scream and made a mental note to purchase suitcases that didn't have to be zipped. He watched as articles of clothing began to ooze out of the sides of the overloaded suitcase. Getting pissed off he picked the whole thing up and threw it as hard as he could against the wall with a yelp. He sank to the floor and buried his head in his hands. There was a knock at the door and AJ had to take a deep breath before he went off the handle.

"Who the fuck is it?" He yelled kicking the suitcase on his way to the door. He prayed it wasn't Brian, that just wasn't something he was prepared to deal with right now. He opened the door slowly to see who was there and sighed in relief when he saw who was standing on the other side. He had never been so excited to see Nick in his whole life.

"What's up Chaos?" he said smiling moving aside so Nick could enter his trashed hotel room.

"It looks like chaos in here Bone, what'd you do?" Nick stepped into the room and shivered as their hands touched briefly. Nick ignored the sensation and continued to inspect the room.

"I had some trouble getting all packed up." AJ smile sheepishly. He sat down on the edge of the bed and motioned for Nick to do the same.

"I can see that," Nick said still picking up AJ's suitcase off of the floor. He placed it on the bed and unzipped it properly before dumping it's entire contents on the bed beside AJ.

Nick chuckled softly to himself as he began to pick AJ's shirts up and fold them one by one. He busied himself making sure he folded them as small as he could so he could get them all to fit. AJ sure didn't know how to pack lightly. He tried to ignore AJ's gaze as he placed the folded t-shirts inside the suitcase.

"You don't have to do that Nick," AJ said softly placing his hand on top of Nick's larger ones to still his actions.

Nick looked up at the older man with an unrecognizable expression. "I know, but I want to J. You look tired, why don't you stretch out and take a nap." Nick tried not to think too hard about AJ's hand on his own and waited patiently for him to move it. Once he did he went back to packing AJ's suitcase.

AJ shook his head but didn't say anything. He couldn't go to sleep, no matter how much he wanted to. He knew he would never be able to relax enough to. He began to hand Nick items that needed to be put in the suitcase. He didn't question Nick's act of kindness. He enjoyed the company and it was nice having someone doing something for him for a change instead of always being the one to give.

"You want to talk about whatever is bothering you?" Nick asked softly after a long moment of comfortable silence.

AJ dropped the shirt he was ready to hold nick and looked at him startled. "What do you mean?"

"No reason to freak J. I can just tell something's weighing on your mind is all. I just want you to know that I am here for you if you want to talk otherwise forget I said anything." Nick began placing the remaining items in the suitcase. He slowly and successfully zipped it up.

"There you go J. Now you'll be ready to go when the others are." Nick said moving AJ's suitcase over to the hallway by the door. "Is there anything else you need help with before we leave?"

AJ shook his head, "Nah, I'm good, but if you have nothing else to do you can stick around and watch TV with me or something." Nick hesitated for a second not knowing if this was such a good idea. AJ never wanted to hang out alone with him very often that just went to show how badly AJ didn't want to be left alone. Nick hesitated a second longer before nodding and sitting down beside AJ on the bed. He grabbed the remote and scooted back against the headboard so he could sit up. AJ scampered up beside him and tried unsuccessfully to grab the remote back.

"I'm not watching fucking cartoons Nick, so you better give me that remote right this damn minute." AJ barked.

Nick laughed. "I'm not going to make you watch cartoons so calm your bony ass down."

They flipped through all the channels that the hotel had to offer before settling on some stupid horror movie. Nick got bored with the movie pretty quickly and took a glance at AJ. He was beginning to doze off. He scanned the room seeing if there was any clue as to why AJ was acting the way he was. He was brought out of his thoughts as he felt AJ lay his head on Nick's shoulder. Nick stilled unsure of what to do next. Nick looked at AJ's face and watched the emotions play over his sleeping features. He carefully moved his arm and pulled the smaller mad closer to himself holding him tightly. He was amazed at how well the older man fit against him, how much it warmed him, how much he liked it, craved it. He watched AJ's eyelids flutter and wished he could know what he was dreaming.

AJ's face was masked with pain and Nick wished with all he had that there was something he could do to wash away the pain, something he could do to fix it, to fix AJ. He couldn't remember the last time he saw or heard AJ truly happy. He though that once AJ had left rehab that they would be putting all of the horrible things behind them and AJ would be the same old AJ again, but AJ was still broken. Nick wished he could be the one to pick him back up and piece everything back together. Nick sighed heavily and wrapped his other arm around AJ's sleeping body, pulling him as close to his own body as possible. He laid his head lightly on top of AJ's and quickly fell asleep, holding on as tightly as he could to his older band mate.


	5. Chapter 5

Howie sat his bags down in the empty hallway and waited for the three other men to join him. Ever since Kevin had abruptly left the group, without so much as an explanation, and started a new life with Kristen, Howie had taken over Kevin's unspoken duties of being the one to keep everything together. He was the man that kept everything running smooth, the peacemaker, and the one management went to when they needed to get things done, or to convince the other guys something needed to be done. He had to be the one to relay messages and keep the boys on task, on time, and focused on their responsibilities.

He waited a few moments more before Brian joined him in the hallway. "Hey D," he said softly closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall. He had barely slept at all and could not keep his eyes open for anything. He was so looking forward to collapsing on the bus and sleeping all the way to the next city.

"You ok man? Where's Leigh?" Howie asked looking closely at his younger band mate.

"I'm just tired is all. She already boarded the bus, said she didn't want to be hassled around."

Howie nodded by didn't say anything. Leighanne was beginning to grate on his nerves. He could see the change in her clearly and wasn't sure what was really going on with her. She wasn't the same person anymore. She treated Brian terribly; he just wished his friend could see that. The two men waited for the two remaining band mates but they were beginning to run out of time. Howie glanced down at his watch and realized that they were already twenty minutes late in meeting them. That was not a common thing. They usually called if they were going to be late and he hadn't heard a thing from either of them since the night before.

"I'm going to go see if I can find AJ, will you check Nick's room and see what's keeping him?" Howie glanced over at Brian and waited for him to nod. Brian nodded and walked down the hallway to Nick's abandoned hotel room.

Howie knocked lightly on AJ's door and waited for some type of response. He waited a couple of minutes before knocking again. Still receiving no answer he tried the door handle and found it unlocked. It opened quietly and he stepped inside.

He was prepared to call out for his missing friend but stopped short when his eyes fell to the hotel room bed and he found him, curled upin the arms of their youngest band mate. The missing band mates were fast asleep wrapped tightly around each other. They looked so peaceful, so content, so happy. His heart caught in his throat and he wasn't sure how to continue. It would kill him to wake them, but they had to get moving.

Howie had noticed AJ's mood going from bad to worse over the course of the last couple of weeks and was beginning to grow more and more concerned for his friend. The sight before him gave him hope and broke his heart all at once. He was happy that AJ had finally managed to find some peace; he just wished he would confine in him. The two looked so cute together, stolen away from the world.

Howie reached the bed quietly and gently shook Nick's arm in an attempt not to scare him. He waited until he was sure that Nick was waking up. Nick looked down at AJ snuggled tightly against him and smiled before realizing that the two men were not alone. Nick's glance at AJ did not go unnoticed by Howie who filled the information away to evaluate later. Nick looked startled at Howie and tried to keep his blush at bay. Howie smiled and pointed at the clock.

"You guys overslept. You need to hurry and get your things together. We need to be ready to leave soon. Just get on your buses when you are ready to go." Howie took one last look at the sleeping man still wrapped around the blonde's larger frame. He left the room closing the door softly behind him. He almost ran straight into Brian who was still waiting in the hallway.

"I can't find Nick anywhere. Nick's things are all packed and ready to go but he's nowhere in his room or downstairs."

Howie nodded. "Yeah, I know. He fell asleep in AJ's room. They will be ready to go shortly." Howie did not tell him how he found the two youngest members. He felt somehow that that information should be kept private.

Brian felt his heart contract thinking of AJ with Nick that way. He shrugged it off and tried to push the thoughts from his mind. He didn't care what AJ did or who he did it with. He had Leigh and that was all he needed to be happy.

"We can go on out to the buses." Howie said breaking the silence, "They will just meet us out there once they have all of their stuff together. " Howie gathered his things and took off towards the elevators.

Brain hesitated for a moment staring intently at AJ's hotel room door. He desperately hoped it would open and he could get a good look inside at what was going in. He sighed heavily and gathered his things to follow Howie to the elevators. He needed to get over it and concentrate on his wife. She was the present and the future and he needed to quit thinking of the past.

~*~

Nick smiled happily as AJ continued to snuggle deeper into the covers and closer to him. The smaller man looked so content that Nick hated to be the one to have to wake him up. Nick shook him gently and laughed as AJ continued to snore louder. It took a few moments and a few forceful shakes to get AJ to begin to wake up.

AJ felt warm on the inside for the first time, in a long time, and didn't want to leave this new warm cocoon that he had found. He hugged Nick tighter and breathed in his scent. His cologne filled his senses and made him feel safe. Nick hugged AJ back for a moment. They held each other a little too long both hating to break apart. Nick pulled away first and rested his forehead against AJ's.

"I am always here for you J. I want you to know that. Anytime, day or night, you can talk to me." Nick said breathlessly.

AJ nodded and tried not to look too deeply into Nick's eyes. He could get lost in the pools of blue. Nick hugged him once again and then swung his legs over the side of the bed. "We'd better get our shit together before they send a search party next time. Howie was about ready to blow a gasket."

AJ laughed loudly. "It's still better than having Kevin beating down the door and calling the cell and the hotel room phone every two seconds."

Both boys sat in silence for a moment trying to ignore the pain that came from thinking about Kevin's departure. No one wanted to think about it, let alone talk about it to each other.

Nick pulled his shoes back on and quietly left the hotel room. Out ofeveryone Nick had taken Kevin's leaving the hardest. AJ mentally kicked himself for bringing the whole thing up again. It had taken Nick a long time to come to terms with Kevin's leaving and be able to even smile again. No one brought Kevin up, it just hurt too much.

AJ sat on the bed, slowly gathering his things, and thinking about the way that Nick stepped right in to take care of AJ when he saw that he needed it. He had never been taken care of before the way that Nick had taken care of him. He couldn't believe he'd managed to fall asleep at all, but Nick made him feel safe, warm, and loved all at the same time. He really liked that feeling. He liked not having to fight for Nick's attention.

He quickly picked up his remaining belongings and headed out the door. He glanced in the direction of Nick's room as he left the hallway and saw that Nick had already left to get on the buses. AJ joined his security guard and made his way outside. He hesitated momentarily debating on boarding one of the other guy's buses instead of his own. He didn't really want to be alone, but he knew they would ask way too many questions about way to many things that AJ just wasn't comfortable talking about. He boarded his own bus with a scowl on his face. He really wasn't looking forward to this trip.


	6. Chapter 6

Six hours later and he was still trapped on the bus, They had went through countless cities and states and AJ was beginning to think that they would never going to arrive at their desired destination. He had run out of things to do early in the first hour trapped on the bus alone.

He had showered, not once but twice, just because he was cold. He had eaten, read a magazine, surfed the internet, watched TV and tried to sleep. He was running on pure caffeine. He had lost all of his energy and got restless after attempting to go to sleep but never quite getting there. He had downed an entire twelve pack of Mountain Dew and had started in on the second.

He was tired of thinking about Brian and not being able to sleep because of Brian. He was tired of the nightmares of what had happened that night, most of all, he was just plain tired of everything.

He sat at the table in the middle of the bus and played around on his laptop. He looked carefully to see if he could find the side effects of over the counter sleeping aids. After several hours of fighting sleep he had decided that the best was to finally get the sleep he needed would be to get some sort of over the counter pill to knock him out. He jotted down the names of the sleeping aids he thought he could handle and jumped a little when his cell phone rang. He glanced at the screen first to see who was calling.

"Hey D, what's up?" he said grabbing another Mountain Dew out of the fridge.

"Nothing really. We're going to be stopping in a little bit so if you want to get off the bus and wander around for a few minutes you can. We'll be stopping at a gas station so if you need to get anything for the remainder of the trip now would be your only time. It's still another few hours before we will arrive at the venue."

AJ hung up the phone with a faint smile on his face. It was as if Howie had read his mind. He grabbed his shoes and waited impatiently for the bus to stop. He watched out of the window as the gas station came into view. He bounded off the bus and stopped short when he saw Brian and Leighanne. It made his stomach turn to see her wrapped in his arm and kissing the man that should belong to him. He couldn't believe how Brian was throwing it all in his face. On some level Brian must realize how much it hurt to see them together. Why didn't he care? Better yet, why did AJ still care?

He tried to keep calm and keep his tears under control. He fought with himself. He would not cry over this right now, where Brian and his wife could see it and use it against him later. He spun around fully prepared to re-board his bus and wait till they got to the venue before he resurfaced. He turned too quickly without looking and collided hard into Nick's chest. He began to lose his balance and almost fell to the pavement before Nick reached out and wrapped his arms around the smaller man, keeping him upright. AJ fell against Nick thankful for not hitting the ground.

Nick looked at AJ carefully before saying anything. He could tell that AJ was all worked up again but couldn't figure out what it was that could have upset him so. "Let's go get some junk food J," Nick said releasing him from his hold and trying not to draw too much attention to the fact that AJ was near tears.

In the distance Brian's eyes darkened as he watched his lover wrapped tightly in his best friend's arms. He wasn't sure why the sudden urge to break both Nick's arms was bothering him so badly, but he tried to push the feeling away and place his attention back on his wife.

Nick and AJ made their way inside the gas station grabbing a cart as they went. Going through the aisles they filled the cart with chips, cookies, soda and candy.

AJ walked away for a moment to look for the sleeping aids he'd written down. He found the shelf that they were on and was amazed by all of the choices. He grabbed a couple bottles and went to find Nick. He found him flipping through a magazine at the back of the station.

Nick glanced up and smiled as he saw AJ approach, but didn't question where he had went. AJ was thankful, he didn't want to explain to Nick why he needed sleeping pills. He wasn't really sure how Nick would respond if he knew the real reason why he couldn't sleep. Nick had a short temper and AJ wasn't sure how Nick would react to the way that Brian had treated him.

AJ placed his items in the cart and stood beside Nick trying to peer over his shoulder at the magazine he was looking at. The bell rang on the station's front door drawing AJ's attention to the front. Brown eyes met blue as Brian and AJ locked eyes for the first time since that night. AJ looked away first trying to concentrate on the article that Nick had been reading. Nick noticed the change in AJ's demeanor and had saw Brian enter the store. This cemented in Nick's mind at least, AJ's distress at being anywhere near Brian. He wondered again what could have happened between his two friends to cause such a thing to happen.

"You Ok J?" Nick said softly, looking at AJ carefully.

AJ nodded, "I'm just ready to get back on the bus. I'm kinda tired"

Nick wrapped one arm around AJ's shoulders and took the cart with the other hand. He placed all the items at the register, not paying any attention to the pills that AJ had selected. He quickly paid for everything and grabbed up the bags. He led AJ by the arm and together they left the store barely throwing a glance in Brian's direction.

Brian's heart fell watching his best friend taking such good care of his lover. No one should be touching AJ that way but him. He hated the very idea of Nick being anywhere alone with AJ. Alex belonged to him. It wasn't supposed to be Nick and AJ together. That was his job, to be tender and loving, taking care of Alex. He closed his eyes and tried to keep his tears at bay. He knew his thoughts were wrong. He loved Leigh and wanted nothing more than to love her unconditionally forever, but his heart still, and would always belong to Alex. His heart was breaking all over again and there was nothing he could do to soften the blow. This was all his fault and he deserved everything that was thrown at him.

Brian forgot the reason for coming into the gas station to begin with. He no longer had an appetite to digest any more heartache or the list of food that Leigh had ordered him to come back with. He couldn't even handle the thought of food. He left the station and threw the list in the trash on his way outside. He got back to the buses in time to see Nick boarding his own bus alone. Brian wasn't sure why this simple act made him feel twenty pounds lighter. He was thrilled that Nick wouldn't be spending the remainder of the bus ride on AJ's bus. Maybe this would give him the much needed strength to get back on his own bus and deal with the shit that Leigh was going to throw at him for not getting the items she had requested.

~*~

AJ boarded his bus mentally kicking himself for talking Nick out of staying with him. He had no idea how he'd managed to make himself alone again. He was so fucking tired of being alone. He was afraid that if Nick stayed that he would begin to figure out what was going on, so instead he had sent away his only companion.

He was thrilled he'd managed to get the sleeping pills. He was more than ready to try anything. He popped the top of a couple bottles and tossed the little blue pills in his mouth. He downed a glass of water and curled up on the full bed in the back of the bus. He waited patiently for sweet sleep to overtake him and take him to a place far away from nightmares, Brian, and his loneliness.


	7. Chapter 7

Brian made his way onto his bus with a million emotions running through his mind. He tried to paste a smile on his face and ignore the pain he felt in his heart. He stumbled into the bedroom and laid down beside Leighanne.

"Did you get the things I asked for?" She asked rolling over to look at her husband. She knew without asking that he had not done as she'd asked.

"No honey, I forgot my wallet on the bus." Brian mumbled into the pillow.

"Just what are you good for Brian if you can't do the simple things that I ask of you. I asked you to pick me up a few things from the gas station that I didn't have time to purchase before flying out here because you insisted on throwing a fit that I wasn't coming out here to spend my life on a bus. I asked you to do one thing and you can't even do that. You are worthless." She said venomly sitting up and crossing her arms over her chest.

Brian scooted closer and tried to smooth out the anger she felt by wrapping his arms closer around her.

"Get off of me Brian. I do not want your worthless hands touching me anymore."

Brian ignored her attempt to make him leave her alone and continued to try to hold her tightly. She pushed him once, but when that didn't sway him she slapped him hard across the face, leaving an angry red hand print. Brian fell back on the bed stunned. Leighanne had never hit him before. Her vengeful words had hurt him enough, but to have her physically strike him, now his face was throbbing in pain. She glared at him for a moment before she got up and left the bedroom, leaving him in a pitiful heap on the bed. He tried not to allow the tears to fall as he felt his cheek swell. He really couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that she was treating him this way. She was his wife, didn't she love him at least a little bit as much as he loved her, or at least tried hard to love her? Didn't she care at all? He slowly walked into the kitchen area of the bus where she sat calmly painting her nails at the kitchen table.

"Leigh, what's happening to us?" He managed to choke out. He quietly sat across from her.

"I don't know Brian, I just feel like you're not the same person you were when we got married. I'm not the same person I was when we got married either. I'm beginning to forget why I agreed to marry you in the first place. I don't feel the same way that I used to." She said sighing and avoiding looking at his face.

Brian felt sick. He literally felt like he could throw up. Why had she waited until now to tell him all of this? He was beginning to see the crumbling of his marriage for what it really was. As much as he loved her as a person, he didn't love her as he should his wife, and it was beginning to show in every action. She has unconsciously picked up on it and was having similar feelings as well. She wasn't happy in the cookie cutter life he had built for her; she wanted more, she wanted out. He looked at her for a moment and tried to remember why he himself had managed to convince himself that marrying her would fix everything that was wrong with his life. That was pretty impossible for him to do alone, but expecting her to fix it for him had been impossible from the beginning. She could only do so much, especially when she had no idea what she was fixing or protecting him from.

He sighed heavily causing her to look up at him. "I don't know what to do here Brian. I just have no clue how we're supposed to fix this. I feel like there is no way to move forward and I don't want to hurt you. I love you Brian, even if it's not in the way that I should as your wife. "She put down the fingernail polish and waved her hands to dry them.

"What do you want me to do?" Brian asked brokenly. He felt his heart heavy and his eyes tired. He regretted ever asking her to come on the road with him.

"I want out. I can't do this anymore Brian and either can you. Neither one of us is happy; we have spent the last two years proving that we can't make each other happy. I know your running from something Brian." She laid her hand over his clenched ones. He looked up at her with tears shining in his eyes. "You may never have said anything to me, but a wife knows Brian. There has been something eating at you since before we got married. For awhile I thought I could fix it, I thought I could fix you, but I can't Brian. I've tried and I'm tired. But whatever this is that keeps you this torn up all the time has to be faced Brian. You can't let this ruin any more of your life. I know you're hurting, I know your heart is broken, but I also know that all the pain you feel does not come from me or us. You have never been emotionally involved with our marriage. I accepted that a long time ago, but I can't let you continue on the way you have been. This needs to end Brian."

She smiled at him and squeezed his hands to let him know she was there for him. She left the table to give him time to think and went back into the bedroom to begin to pack her things. She loved him yes, but as a best friend, someone to take care of her and to confine in. She just couldn't let herself stick around to watch the demons that were terrorizing her husband overtake him.


	8. Chapter 8

AJ managed to reach his hotel room moments before his knees gave out and he sank to the living room floor. A loud crash echoed down the hallway as all of the luggage that AJ had been carrying went tumbling to the floor along with the exhausted man. Nick appeared in the doorway and began to laugh uncontrollably at the heap of man and suitcases all over the floor. He entered AJ's hotel room closing the door behind him.

"J, you have to calm down, where did you get all of your energy all of a sudden," he said laughing as he watched AJ scramble around on the floor stacking his suitcases. Nick pulled the rest of the suitcases off of AJ and pulled the older man to his feet. Nick wrapped his arms around AJ to steady him. AJ leaned into him, making Nick hold him closer; scared the man would fall back to the floor. Nick looked into AJ's eyes and watched the emotions play across his face. He swallowed hard and let AJ go trying to put distance between the two men. They were now in the third city and the tour was working out beautifully. Nick was finding that his feelings for the other man were beginning to get to be a little too much to deal with in their close proximity. AJ had been taking the sleeping pills every night for the past week giving him loads of energy and allowing him to fall into a dreamless sleep every night, leaving him more refreshed than he had felt for a long while.

"You want to hang out for awhile," Nick asked hoping AJ would at least consider it.

"Yeah, I'll meet you in your room," Nick nodded and bundled out of the room happily.

AJ had to chuckle at the sight. Nick had been great the last couple of days. He had barely left AJ's side for more than a few moments at a time, always letting him know where he was and when he would be back. AJ had never been more thankful for his friend. He has made it easier to be around Brian without trying.

AJ left his room and locked the door. He wandered down the hallway until he found Nick's room. He knocked and received no answer so he tried the handle and stepped inside. He found Nick passed out on the hotel bed. He was beautiful. His golden hair falling in his eyes made him look even more angelic than he did when he was awake. His lips were partially parted, his breathing heavy. AJ smiled as he watched the younger man snore lightly.

AJ curled up in the chair and watched Nick sleep for a few moments. He tried so hard to keep his thoughts straight but his emotions could not be controlled. He fought to keep his tears at bay as he curled up tighter in the oversized chair. He had never felt so alone before. Seeing Brian with Leighanne broke his heart a little more every time he saw them together. He just couldn't understand why Brian couldn't love him that same way. He was so absorbed in his thoughts he did not even see Nick sitting up on the bed.

"What's going on J?" Nick asked softly, startling him. "Don't lie to me; I know something's going on."

AJ blinked a couple of times before getting the courage to speak. He climbed out of the chair and sat beside Nick on the bed. "I thought you were asleep," AJ said sniffling before he broke into tears.

"I'm so alone Nicky," he managed to choke out before he collapsed into tears once again. He cried for all he was worth, while Nick folded him into his arms. Nick held him as close as he could, doing everything he knew to do to help sooth him. He just held him, rubbing his back and whispering gentle words in his ear. Nick had never been in the caregiver position before. Usually it was Kevin or someone soothing away his pain. He was on new ground and had no idea what to do to help his friend. He liked it though. It felt good to be needed for once instead of always being the one to need someone else.

AJ looked at Nick and smiled, trying to show the other man that he was calming down and beginning to feel better. Nick wiped the tears from AJ's eyes. He stared into the chocolate brown pools and ached from the hurt and pain he saw so deep in AJ's eyes.

He leaned in and caught AJ's bottom lip with his own and kissed him forcefully, but not enough to scare him away. AJ sat shocked for a moment before he responded, kissing Nick back with the same level of passion. A million thoughts ran through his head. He wasn't sure if he was kissing Nick because he felt something for him or if he just needed that close connection with someone else. He wasn't sure either why Nick had decided to kiss him.

They broke apart and stared at each other before Nick brushed his lips across AJ's cheek. The kiss had left both men flushed and wanting so much more. Nick was afraid of scaring AJ off and wasn't sure about trying anything with him when he knew something was going on, something he feared was large enough to tear them all apart.

"Are you tired," Nick asked after a few moments of silence. He took AJ's hand and pulled him down in the bed beside him. The two men turned and faced the wall not sure what else to do. Nick wrapped both arms securely around AJ and pulled him closely to him. AJ fell asleep almost instantly his body perfectly connected and aligned. For the first time, in a long time, AJ fell asleep without the aid of medication almost before ever lying down.

Nick lay still for hours after AJ had fallen asleep. He wasn't sure what had possessed him to kiss AJ like that. One minute he was looking into the eyes of his friend and the next he couldn't think of anything else besides kissing him. He was terrified he'd scared AJ and knew he should talk to him about it. He didn't know what to say however until he figured out his own feelings.

He hadn't thought of being with AJ much before. He had always known he was gay, that wasn't something he would have to learn to deal with quickly. He had had a crush on Kevin since he was twelve years old, but Kevin always saw him as the little kid that he had to look after and take care of. He hated it, but he has accepted that Kevin would never look at him twice years ago, and then when Kevin left, god, he couldn't even think about Kevin leaving without his heart breaking all over again. He thought he died the day Kevin said he was leaving.

His heart was still broken from that, he had just gotten really good at hiding it so no one else was any the wiser. Didn't make it hurt any less, didn't make him feel any better. He missed Kevin every day; there was nothing he could do to change that. Even thought Kevin never wanted it, Nick's heart would always belong first and foremost to Kevin, but did that mean that he couldn't have feelings for AJ?

He wasn't sure what to do, or what he felt, he just knew he was beyond confused and had nowhere to turn to get answers to his many questions. He wished things were simpler. He wished he knew what was terrorizing AJ, but he doubted AJ would open up without a fight. He wasn't sure how AJ felt or what had went though his head when they had kissed.

Nick sighed and snuggled into AJ more. AJ snored happily and continued to sleep. Nick had to smile, the man was adorable, even when he was sound asleep and snoring like a freight train. Maybe things would be easier to understand in the morning, he doubted it but one could hope right?


	9. Chapter 9

Brian lay down in his hotel room trying to control his emotions. Everything was changing much too quickly for his mind to fully grasp everything. His whole world was beginning to fall apart and he wasn't sure what he should do to fix it anymore. His marriage, his life, everything was falling down around him while all he could do was sit back and watch the show. He felt like he was drowning with no way to break free. He racked his brain trying his hardest to remember when things started to get so bad. He knew. Deep down Brian remembered the exact time that everything got so complicated and messed up. It was when he fell in love with AJ.

He tried unsuccessfully for a long time after realizing his true feelings to repress them and for awhile he manages to do just that. He managed to ignore the way AJ's eyes crinkled when he smiled or the way he laughed. He ignored the way that he wanted to hold AJ a little longer after they had sex instead of just going to sleep, he ignored the way he felt when he woke up beside him. Then it just got to be too hard to control.

Brian knew he loved AJ, he also knew his marriage was over; the final nail in the coffin would just be filling out the divorce papers and signing his name. He was glad that he and Leighanne had reached some kind of mutual ground and they had not ended their marriage in anger and resentment.

His thoughts drifted to Kevin, his cousin, and their fallen band mate. Kevin held the key to every ounce of pain and unhappiness Brian currently possessed. It wasn't Kevin's fault, but he's the one that sparked the downward spiral that was his life. Kevin left the group, left them, he packed up and left, throwing everything away because he was afraid, and Brian had to carry around the secret of Kevin's departure. Brian and Kevin had grown up together, were related as cousins, but also as brothers and best friends. It was Kevin that Brian looked up to for love, guidance, and advice.

Brian wasn't supposed to know the real story of course. He was supposed to find out when everyone else did and was supposed to believe all the things that Kevin had led the others to believe, but Brian knew the truth, and it damn near destroyed his life. Hell it was still destroying him. He wasn't supposed to know Kevin was leaving; he wasn't supposed to find Kevin alone and shattered on the bathroom floor in that hotel room. Brian knew his entire world ended that night, and he wished beyond wishing that he could go back to that night and do everything differently, but he couldn't.

Brian closed his eyes and allowed the tears to fall, silently wetting his cheeks. His heart was broken, but by this point there was no way to mend it. The damage was much too great and all he could do was muddle through the wreckage.

Soon after AJ had left rehab, Brian had found himself keeping him company almost every single night. To begin with Brian viewed it as an alternative so that AJ wouldn't feel left out when the others wanted to go out to bars and clubs. Then it became a place where Brian could forget his troubled marriage and his loneliness. Finally without either boy aware, it became a solace, something mutually shared and enjoyed. They craved each other's attention, companionship, and love. Brian was determined this time not to let his brother down and devoted all of his free time to help AJ. He and AJ had grown closer to each other than humanly possible. They became such good friends that they could finish each other's sentences. They could tell what the other was thinking with just a look. They knew each other better than anyone else.

It was only a matter of time before they added the physical part came into play. It started out as kisses and hugs to make each other feel safe and loved. Then it moved to blog jobs and making each other feel good. By the time they slept together for the first time Brian could tell that AJ was falling in love with him. They had set up rules so no one got hurt. They decided it would just be sex, no feelings and emotions involved. Brian already had a wife, had love, a marriage. He told AJ he just needed the physical contact when they were on the road and he was lonely and AJ wholeheartedly agreed.

That was when Brian realized he too was falling in love. He hid it, never uttering a word of it to anyone. It was his secret and he intended to keep it for as long as he could before it overtook him. After months of fighting against his emotions he decided to hell with all of it and made the decision to tell AJ exactly how he felt and to show him how much he meant to him, how much he loved him. That's when he found Kevin and everything came tumbling down.


	10. Chapter 10

Brian had gone to find out if Kevin would like to get everyone together and go out to eat dinner. He had knocked one Kevin's door a couple times but never received an answer. He tried the handle and found it unlocked. Knowing that Kevin was supposed to be in his room he decided to go in and check on him. He glanced around the suite and found it in shambles. Clothes were thrown everywhere, broken glass and lamps littered the floor but he couldn't see signs of Kevin anywhere. Fear leapt in his heart. He ran from room to room trying desperately to find his older cousin. He finally found him on the bathroom floor his arms pooled in his own blood.

Brian strangled a scream and dropped to his knees trying to examine the damage. The blood poured from his wrists which Kevin had managed to cut with the razor blade that was resting in the sink. Brian grabbed a warm, wet washcloth and began to clean the blood from Kevin's wrists, trying to be as gentle as possible. He was relieved to find the cuts were not deep, but just flesh wounds. Kevin opened his eyes and peered out at Brian's tear stained face. He coughed and groaned when he felt the pain in his wrists.

Brian didn't even realize he had started crying as he sat working on cleaning up the mess Kevin had made. He cleaned both wrists and bandaged them up with the first aid kit he found below the sink. He tried not to allow his emotions to get the better of him. He didn't want to scare Kevin, but on the inside he was freaking out.

Once he had cleaned the blood up from the floor and made sure Kevin didn't need medical attention he sat down on the tiled bathroom floor and focused on his cousin. Kevin closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He rested his head on the wall behind him.

"What the hell Kevin? What's going on with you?" Brian managed to spit out.

"She was going to tell," Kevin managed to whisper before he collapsed in tears.

Brian sat stunned and quietly waited for Kevin to continue. He had never seen his cousin fall apart like this, not even when his dad died. Brian was scared, more scared then he ever remembered being before in his life.

"Kristen found a journal I had written. She found out some things I've been keeping from her, keeping from everyone." He stopped and looked a Brian before continuing. "She found out that I had fallen in love with Nick." He looked down at his lap unsure of how Brian would react.

Brian let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and closed his eyes. He had not been expecting to hear that one. He sensed though, that this was not the complete story.

"She called me a bunch of horrible names. She threatened to go tell him Brian. She said she'd tell my family, the fans, management, everyone. She said she would destroy me and not stop until she got everything. Then she said she'd go after Nick. I couldn't let her do that Brian. I can't! None of this is his fault. It's all on me. He doesn't even know! He wouldn't even want to know! It was just supposed to be my secret, my private hell. It wasn't supposed to be on the six o'clock news. I had to stop be Bri." Kevin managed to scream and keep his voice down all at once.

Brian sat shocked against the bathtub for a moment shocked. His mind running a million miles a minute. He could not believe that Kevin had managed to keep all of this a secret. He also couldn't believe that Kevin had pulled a stunt like this.

"What happened next Kevin?" Brian prodded further hoping to get to the bottom of all of this soon. "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

Kevin shook his head violently. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just wanted the pain to be somewhere else Brian. I just wanted to be in control of something. I've lost control of everything. Everything's been taken away from me. I just wanted to be able to control the pain I felt." Kevin winced as he moved his arms again.

"She's taken everything Brian. She got her way. I'm leaving tonight, and I won't be coming back. She wants me to quit. She says I have to leave the group so that we can work on our marriage and starting a family. She says there is no way I can continue on here because I'll always be thinking about him. She doesn't realize that I'll be thinking about him no matter where I am, but if this is what's going to keep her mouth shut than I am prepared to go through with it." Kevin slumped against the wall exhausted.

"Does Nick have any idea how you feel?" Brian managed to choke out.

"No! And he's never to know. Do not tell him anything. Do you understand? Never tell him! He will only blame himself and none of this is his fault. This is just another thing I cannot control." Kevin looked pointedly at Brian.

Brian nodded, his heart broken and his whole world turned upside down. He couldn't imagine one day without Kevin there, not to mention a whole tour, the rest of his career. That night Kevin called an emergency meeting and told their other band mates that after months of decisions that he and Kristen had decided it would be for the best if he left the group to concentrate on beginning their family. The cried together, Brian taking it in stride and a bit disgusted at the fake reasoning given. He hated that after almost twenty years together they could not be more honest. He couldn't understand how Kevin had just rolled over and taken punishment for something that wasn't his fault either. He didn't ask to fall in love with Nick. He didn't ask to be a superstar whose reputation would be on the line if the public learned he was gay.

Later the night Kevin left reality dawned on Brian and he realized that he too would be controlled in this very manner. There was no way that he could even tell AJ his true feelings. They would never be allowed to be together. There was no way they could have a real relationship, there was no way they would ever be accepted. There was no what that they could have the kind of love that he so desperately wanted. If Leighanne were to find out she would destroy him too he feared. He now understood why Kevin had bowed out without the fight the way he did. He finally understood everything that Kevin had to deal with. He felt like his life was ending. For the first time that evening Brian threw up, cradling himself on the cold bathroom floor of his own hotel room. He felt his emotions overtake him and he dissolved into a mess of tears. He cried for the loss of a band mate and a friend. He cried for the feelings of abandonment he felt that his cousin, the man who knew exactly where he was coming from was gone. And finally, he cried for AJ. He cried for the love they could have had had they not been Backstreet Boys, international superstars. He cried for the emptiness he felt by knowing he could never have AJ the way he so desperately wanted.

Brian couldn't believe he had missed Kevin's secret. Now that he looked back and reexamined all the events previous he could see clearly that Kevin had indeed fallen in love with their youngest band mate. He couldn't really put a time on it. It seemed like it had always been there.

After that horrific night Brian's heart had hardened. He has become difficult to be around and to get along with. He concentrated completely on putting on the best concerts and only relaxed when he was on stage. He tried hard to focus on Leighanne and to try to save what he could of his troubled marriage. He still used AJ as a source to get off, a warm body to sleep against but something had changed between them.

He knew AJ could tell the difference but he could not bring himself to even begin to explain it. He just shrugged it off and moved on, trying hard not to let AJ's emotions get the better of him. He knew he was hurting AJ badly, but he was hurting too. Everything was falling apart and there was no longer anyone around to keep it all together.

AJ took everything Brian threw at him in stride, never questioning Brian's reasoning for treating him like shit. Even though he felt guilty he couldn't stop it.

Now Brian feared that they had reached the point of no return. He was scared that he had pushed things too far; broken AJ's heart one too many times. He knew he should have stopped himself that night of the awards show, but it had been so long since they had been intimate together that the desire that he felt for AJ consumed him so completely that he went a little too far. He couldn't stop himself from taking something that AJ wasn't comfortable giving. He felt beyond horrible about his actions, but he also had no way of explaining himself or apologizing.

The thought of Nick with Alex, his Alex, would drive him completely insane. He had seen his two friends growing closer and feared the worst. He could not deny he loved AJ just as much, now as he ever had, maybe even more. All he wanted was to be tangled up inside of him the way they used to be. Now everything was different. They could never go back and Brian wasn't sure how far forward they could go without everything coming to blows. His heart was broken so was AJ's and Kevin's. There was nothing he could do now but sit back and watch the storm move forward, claiming its next victim.


	11. Chapter 11

Nick sat alone in his hotel room alone and more bored than he remembered being in a long time. They weren't supposed to leave the hotel since they would be leaving so early in the morning, but he was running out of things to do in the small hotel room. He was glad that he'd had the evening off by after countless hours of video games he had run out of things to occupy his time. He was beginning to get restless.

He wished he could just call and ask Brian to come over to play games, but Brian hated being bothered when Leighanne was on tour with them. He missed his best friend. As much fun as he'd been having with AJ the last few days only made him miss Brian more. He wasn't sure what was going on with his best friend anymore. Actually he wasn't sure what was going on with any of his friends.

Nick sighed frustrated and threw his game controller. There had to be something he could do. He momentarily thought about going to AJ's room, but they hadn't ever talked about the little kissing incident that had happened the other night and Nick wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. They had just shrugged it off like it hadn't ever happened.

Nick wasn't sure how or what he was feeling anymore. He wasn't sure his feelings for AJ but he knew it was getting harder and harder to be around him without wanting to kiss and hug him, among other things.

Nick jumped slightly as there was a knock at the door. He jumped up off the floor and yanked the door open forcefully. He stopped shirt when he saw AJ standing on the other side. He smiled cheekily and held up a bag of Doritos in one hand and a game controller in the other.

"Want some company?" AJ asked cocking his head to one side and peering up at Nick.

A huge smile spread across the blonde's features and he stepped to the side to allow AJ into his hotel room. AJ flopped down on the floor and ripped open he bag of chips. Nick quickly joined AJ on the floor and grabbed chips out of the bag. He was glad to see AJ in an upbeat mood for once instead of being sad all of the time. He picked a game and put it into the playstation and started it up. He laughed as he saw the look of concentration on AJ's face as the other man attempted to beat Nick at a game he'd won a million times.

Nick smiled and looked away trying to keep his mind on the game and not on Nick. Nick scooted a little closer to the older man and leaned into him a little showing him which buttons he needed to push to better play the game. AJ moved his hands into the correct positions and looked up at Nick to see if he was doing it right. He swallowed hard as he saw there was nearly no space between the two men. Nick looked deeply into AJ's eyes and hesitated for a moment before he leaned and took AJ's bottom lip in his own. He kissed AJ softly, tender and loving. AJ sat shocked for a moment before he kissed Nick back. The two men broke apart and stares at each other, chests heaving, emotions running wild. AJ brought his fingers to his lips still feeling Nick's lips on his. Nick pulled back and stared at AJ unprepared for what happened next.

AJ looked at Nick for a quick moment before getting up and fleeing the room. In his haste to return to his own room he ran smack into Brian who had left his room for ice. The bucket and the two men went tumbling to the floor, AJ landing on top of Brian. The two men stared at each other. AJ's eyes grew wide as he realized what had happened.

"Let go of me, let go! Get off me! Leave me alone! God Brian, let me go please!" AJ yelled frantically trying to get up off the floor. Brian's eyes filled with tears and he had to look away. He could clearly see that AJ wasn't going to get over what happened anytime soon. AJ finally managed to get to his feet and stumbled down the hallway to his own room.

Brian got to his feet and collected the ice bucket, trying to stop the tears from falling. Suddenly he wasn't so thirsty anymore. After Brian had retreated to his own room Nick shut his door and leaned against it. Maybe AJ was more messed up than he originally thought. After seeing the two other men in the hallway Nick was convinced that something terrible had happened between the two band mates and what ever it was that happened had completely screwed AJ up.

~*~

AJ collapsed on the hotel room bed trying to calm his racing heart. He felt like a moron. He normally could handle himself better than that. He had completely acted like an idiot. He felt drained. Being that close to Brian took all the energy he had before. His mind was reeling and he couldn't get it to calm down.

He couldn't believe he had run away from Nick. All the younger man had done was tried to make things better for him and he freaked out in the process. He had liked the kiss, enjoyed the kiss. Hell he wanted to do it again, which surprised the hell out of him. He figured there would be no way he could ever be attracted to another man after Brian, but he was beginning to feel more than just a little friendly towards Nick. He wasn't sure if that made him happy, or more upset.

He rolled over so he was lying on his back and got comfortable on the small bed. On one hand Nick didn't have any previous attachments and he couldn't see him being ashamed of them the way Brian had been. Maybe things with Nick could actually work. He wasn't Brian, but then again AJ didn't think he would ever have a love like he felt for Brian for anyone else. But was that fair to Nick? Maybe Nick didn't even want anything. God, what if Nick only wanted him for sex the way Brian had done. Countless questions swirled in AJ's head making sleep impossible. He should have stayed and talked it all out with Nick, but he just couldn't.

He got up and dug around in his duffel bag for the sleeping pills. They were his one solace in life, the one thing he could always count on. He popped to in his mouth and chugged down the rest of his water bottle. Immediately feeling better he stripped down to his boxers and crawled under the covers smacking off the bedside lamp as he went. He tried to still his mind by telling himself he would talk it all out with Nick tomorrow. He lied in the bed for a while longer before blissful sleep overtook him, making him momentarily forget all of his demons.


	12. Chapter 12

Leighanne entered Brian's hotel room quietly and stopped for a moment as she watched him toss and turn on the uncomfortable hotel room bed. Her heart was breaking, but there was nothing she could do to stop the pain from coming. In her heart she knew she had made the right decision. No matter how much it hurt her to make, she would have to go through with it. Not only for her own sake, but Brian's as well. She had lied to him, god how she had lied! She was still surprised she'd managed to pull it off without getting to emotionally involved.

She loved him so much, so much it hurt to even think of ending their marriage, but she also knew they couldn't continue on the way they had been going. It wasn't healthy for either of them. She knew he hadn't been committed to her for some time, she wasn't even sure if he was even committed when he proposed. He had been emotionally shut down and shut off from her for longer than she could remember.

She would have to admit however, if she stopped and thought about it that he has always been emotionally detached from her. She didn't want a divorce. She didn't want to be with anyone else. She had found her soul mate, but he didn't want her anymore, maybe he never did. She loved him more than anything else, but her love for him wasn't enough to save them. She couldn't carry the marriage on her love alone. She didn't agree with his lifestyle. She hated the rock star, fast paced life and she knew her unhappiness only added more turmoil to their situation.

She knew that she would never have been able to convince Brian that they needed this unless she said she wanted it. It killed her to utter those words and to act that way, but she knew if she didn't than he would never understand. She couldn't make him love her. She had been trying with no success for much too long. The only reason she had been holding on so long was because of the secret she had been keeping for much too long, a secret she wasn't ready to get rid of quite yet. She knew it would either trill him, or destroy him and she couldn't hold her breath for the first.

She rubbed her hand lightly over her stomach and laid the packet of papers she carried with on the desk in the corner and crawled into the bed beside him. He jerked up suddenly at the sudden shift in the mattress and relaxed when he saw her lying beside him. He rolled over and laid his head on her chest, her arms immediately going around him. She gently kissed the top of his curly head. That was all it took for him to completely fall apart in her arms.

He cried buckets, heaping gut wrenching sobs that made her worry that he wouldn't be able to catch his breath. She held him tighter to her making her own heart break along side his. She hated to see the man she loved so desperately in this much pain. It killed her that she could do nothing to make it better for him.

"I'm so sorry Leigh. I never meant to screw everything up so badly. Please don't hate me. I love you!" He sobbed out.

"It's alright Brian. All has been forgiven. Everything's going to be alright." She hugged him closer but he pushed her away forcefully and sat up.

"Nothing will ever be the same or ok again. Don't you understand that? I messed everything up! Everything is so messed up. I hate myself, no wonder he hates me too!" He screamed at her before crumbling in tears all over again. She was stunned by his outburst, but even more stunned by his confession. What was he talking about? Could this be what he had been bottling up for so long? Could this be what had been driving him wild for the last two years of their marriage? She soothed back his hair and held him closer, praying that he would finally open up to her. She gently rocked them back and forth hoping to ease his discomfort. He sniffed as his sobs subsided and he began to breath evenly again. He looked up at her, the face of a punished child. His eyes swollen and his face red. She could see the despair that didn't appear to be leaving anytime soon on every feature of his face.

"I messed up Leigh, I messed up everything. I'm so fucking stupid. Nothing will ever be the same again."

She sat quietly as he rehashed the entire story from beginning to end, her heart breaking and her mind moving a million miles a minute. She wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry, or throw something against the wall in a fit of rage. She was devastated, hurt, and relieved all at once. She couldn't believe all that had went on with his man that she had loved unconditionally for the past two years. She couldn't believe he thought he was gay let alone that he had broken AJ's heart in his web of lies as well. Even though he had been cheating on her basically since they got married didn't faze her as much as she thought it would have.

She was more concerned about Brian than herself. Even though he had screwed up three separate lives in running from his demons she could not find it in her heart to be mad or hate him. She was hurt yes, she wished there was something, some way to fix the pain he'd caused her, but there wasn't. It would just have to be another thing she managed to deal with and get over. Brian had been paying the ultimate price for all of his mistakes. He had created his own personal hell and been living broken for too long to make her feel like she should add to it.

Brian looked at her, prepared for anything she threw at him. He felt better after telling her. She kissed his cheek and told him how much she loved him. He relaxed against her and closed his eyes. Outside the moon shone brightly illuminating the hotel room.

"Why did you come here tonight Leigh?" he asked like a small child scared.

"I was bringing you the final copy of our divorce papers." She said softly. "I wanted to go threw them together. I didn't want you to have to go through them alone. We're ending this on better terms than what we started I think and I thought it would only be fair if we went through them together. I don't want any of your money or anything like that. I would like to keep my car and our home in Atlanta, but other than that I don't want anything. I'm not the lying gold digger everyone thinks I am." Leighanne said laughing softly.

Brian smiled and hugged her to him. He was going to miss her. He loved her in his own special way, not like he should as her husband, but as a best friend. "For what's it worth Leigh, I love you. Not the way you wanted me to or the way I should have, but I did love you. When all of this is said and done I don't want to lose you from my life. It would kill me to lose you too."

She nodded and leaned back against the headboard, bringing Brian with her. "It's a shame about Kevin though. I think Kristen is and always has been a bitch. I can't believe she treated Kevin that way." Brian nodded. "I miss him. I wish things could be different. I wish I could have been different." Brian sat with Leighanne quietly. He couldn't believe their marriage was over. He really couldn't believe he had told her everything that had been eating away at him for the past two years. He felt horrible for everything he had put her through He closed his eyes and imagined briefly what his life would have been like if he had never let his emotions get so confused and messed up. All he wanted was to curl up in AJ's arm and never come out, but he knew that would never happen again.

Leighanne watched the emotions play across Brian's features and wished there was a way that she could make this broken man whole again. But there was nothing she could do to fix everything this time. Her heart hurt for him. He was a wreck. But this was something he had to fix himself. Her part on his journey was over; he had to take the reins from here. She just hoped he had enough energy to fight the pain and get on with his life without allowing it all to overtake him.


	13. Chapter 13

Howie sat quietly in the corner of the venue watching his band mates run through their sound checks. Something strange was going on with every member of their group. All three boys seemed to be avoiding each other like the plague and making up for their lack of talking by pestering him every second. They walked around quiet looking like they had all just lost their best friend. It was stressful to try to keep up with everything going on. He could see how all of this could have driven Kevin to the brink and made him want to rip his hair out, and Howie loved his hair, but he would damn sure rip every last strand out if all of this nonsense stopped. He knew it was useless though. Whatever had happened was big to make them act this way. Howie knew better than to interfere. He knew they would figure it out on their own time frame. Howie had to give Kevin props for lasting as long as he did however.

Howie watched as Brian exited the stage and completely avoided Nick who was coming up the second set of stairs. Things were certainly never dull, but the drama was almost too much to deal with sometimes too. There just didn't seem to be a happy medium. He wasn't sure where AJ had wondered off but he had to do his own sound check after Nick was finished so he hoped AJ would surface soon so he didn't have to go hunt him down. He didn't need children; he had three of his own already.

Brian wondered backstage and found AJ sprawled out on the couch asleep. Brian couldn't repress the smile that over took him as he gazed at the drooling man in front of him. He was damn cute when he was asleep. He was damn cute when he was awake too so maybe it was a catch 22 he would like to be caught in. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and noticed that Nick's sound check would be ending soon. He stole a quick glance at the wall clock and decided it would be best if he woke AJ up instead of letting him get reamed by Howie when he came back stage and found AJ asleep. He crossed the room towards the sleeping man still unsure of how to approach him. He was scared though, since the hallway incident to go to close to the younger man for fear of another outburst. He sat down on the coffee table and stared at the beautiful face of his friend. Since signing the divorce papers all he could think of was AJ. Not that he wasn't the only thing he thought of anyway. Since he and Leighanne had separated he felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. He didn't have to pretend for everyone anymore, just th others until the news broke.

Brian reached out to shake AH awake but stopped shirt. This would be the first time he had really touched him since that horrific night he raped him. Just thinking about it made him sick to his stomach. He hated himself, more than AJ could ever hate him. He gently placed his hand on AJ's warm and shook him gently. AJ snored louder but made no other attempts to wake up. Brian smiled and shook him harder calling his name. AJ struggled to exit his sleepy daze. He could hear someone chanting his name, it sounded so much like an angel that he was afraid if he opened his eyes it would all disappear. He opened his eyes slowly afraid of what he would find. He was shocked and a little scared to see Brian sitting so close to him on the coffee table. He jerked up suddenly before he could stop himself. He looked at the the hut look that crossed Brian's face but ignored it sitting up. Brian cleared his throat before he spoke, suddenly everything was hard. He looked away and tried not to allow his eyes to tear. He had no right. He couldn't handle looking into AJ's eyes though.

"It's time for your sound check." Brian whispered hoarsely trying to keep his feelings under control. "I didn't want you to get in trouble with Howie.

AJ nodded and looked at the time. Brian looked so upset but he shrugged it off. He didn't have time to worry about it now, he was late and Howie was going to be pissed. "Thanks," he mumbled quickly and jumped off the couch.

Brian waited until he was sure AJ had left before he collapsed on the couch that AJ had left in a rush. He closed his eyes and he inhaled the fabric that had seemed to soak up AJ's scent. It had been so long since he had been that close to AJ. His heart ached and all he wanted to do was cry the tears that he could no longer control. He couldn't let himself break down. The others would be back soon and he didn't want to have to explain to anyone his reasons for being so upset.

His picket buzzed and he pulled out his cell phone. He smiled softly seeing his cousin's name on the screen.

"How goes it Kevin?" Brian said coughing trying to disguise his voice.

"Everything ok cuz?" Kevin said immediately picking up on Brian's tone of voice.

Brian hesitated not sure what to say. Kevin knew somewhat of Brian's feelings for AJ, but he wasn't aware of the whole story. "Leighanne and I have separated and we're going to file for divorce."

Kevin let out the breath he had been holding. "What happened, Brian?"

Brian sighed heavily before he began rehashing every detail that he and Leighanne had discussed, leaving out the bits about his feelings for AJ. One and for all he allowed himself to cry about the ending of his divorce, he was sad yes, he loved Leighanne, but not how he should. Once Brian had finished his saga he was once again in tears, sobbing softly as he poured out his heart to his cousin, finally breaking down the walls and telling him about AJ, and every other thing that haunted him. The two cousins talked on about this or that, both in pain and both loving ones that they could never have.

AJ came back stage to get a bottle of water and stopped when he saw Brian curled up on the couch in tears. AJ's heart broke watching the man he'd loved for so long fall apart in front of him. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, but the back out quietly not wanting to disturb Brian. He wanted nothing more than to rush forward and pull the older man into his arms and never let him go, but he couldn't do that. He was sure that Brian would appreciate that.

He entered the bathroom and leaned against the sink, studying his appearance in the mirror. His eyes were dark and tired. He felt like he could never quite break free of the emotional storm that kept him feeling like he was drowning all of the time. He wasn't sure what to do to make himself feel like he was worth anything. His insecurities seemed to get the better of him more frequently than they did when he first left rehab. He felt proud of himself that that he didn't feel the need to drown himself in alcohol the way he used to. He jumped slightly as he heard the bathroom door open.

Nick strolled in the bathroom towel in one hand and water bottle in the other. He smiled when he saw AJ leaning against the sink. He noticed his downcast expression and smiled. He was determined to get AJ out of this funk one way or another.

"Whatcha doing tonight?" He asked washing his hands in the sink.

AJ watched him carefully, unsure of what Nick was asking. "Nothing really, what are you doing?"

"Want to go out with me tonight?" Nick asked turning to look at AJ closely.

He hesitated, unsure of what he wanted to say, what he should say. He looked at Nick's shining eyes and knew he had to at least give it a chance. He couldn't waste his life away pinning over Brian. "Sure."


	14. Chapter 14

Leighanne watched as Brian stared longingly at AJ's retreating frame. She felt for him. She knew exactly how he felt. She knew how badly it felt to watch the one you love walk away from you. She closed her eyes and leaned back in the arm chair praying that the boys finished the sound check soon so that they could go back to the hotel. She was exhausted and all she wanted was to lie down for awhile before the concert.

She sighed heavily and rubbed her hands absentmindedly over her swollen stomach. It would be time to tell him soon. As hard as she tried she knew she couldn't keep it secret for much longer. She was blessed with a frame that made concealing her pregnancy easy. That along with the fact that she and Brian hardly ever saw each other made it easy for her to keep it from him. At eight months pregnant but barely looking like she was at all kept her exhausted and she wanted nothing more than to go back to Georgia and move on with her life. She couldn't do that however until they had talked this through. She was dreading this talk.

She knew how he would react. She could see the scenes playing in her mind like a bad wreck you couldn't tear your eyes from. He was going to be beyond furious that she kept it from him, and then he would react. He would try to bring their divorce proceedings to an immediate halt and insist on staying together for the good of their family. She knew she couldn't do that anymore. She couldn't force herself to remain in a marriage where he was absent. She had made her decision months ago; all that was left was to clue Brian in on what that decision was.

She laid in the chair and watched the boys gathering their things together. All she wanted was a hot shower and a long nap. Maybe she could fake sick and avoid going to the concert this evening. She was not looking forward to being on her feet all night. She just wanted to get the horrible confrontation over so she could go back to Atlanta. Maybe she could tell him soon. She hoped so, for her sake at least.

~*~

AJ boarded the van waiting to take them back to the hotel and groaned inwardly when he saw the only seat left was right next to Nick. He was scared shitless about the prospect of them going out the next evening and wanted some time alone. He wasn't looking forward to having to be next to Nick the entire van ride back. He plopped down next to Nick anyway and gave him a tired smile. Nick smiled back and leaned his head against the window beside him. AJ closed his eyes and leaned back against the van seat. "I'm so tired, how long is this fucking van ride going to take?" AJ asked.

Nick smiled at the tattooed man beside him. He couldn't believe he had actually convinced AJ to give him a chance. "I'm sorry J. It's going to be like 45 minutes or something. I don't get why they couldn't have found us a room somewhere closer. Stupid fuckers."

AJ groaned again and tried to get comfortable in the stiff van seats for a moment before getting frustrated and kicking the seat in front of him. Howie sprang up from the seat and glared back at AJ.

"What the fuck is your problem man?" Howie questioned angrily.

AJ smile sheepishly and shrugged. "Sorry D. I was just trying to get comfortable in these damn seats."

"Well sleep on the fucking floor and quit kicking my god damn seat!" Howie grumbled out before lying back down in his spacious seat.

Nick and AJ glanced at each other before laughing quietly. Sometimes Howie could be such a drama queen. Nick stretched out in his seat and unintentionally placed his arm on the back of AJ's seat. AJ leaned back onto it and nestled himself into Nick's arm. Nick smiled and pulled him closer kissing the top of his head. AJ could be so cute when he was sleepy. Nick settled back as well and enjoyed the quiet of the van. They were all so exhausted that all anyone wanted to do was sleep.

Nick knew he had to make good and sure of his feelings for AJ and soon. Especially before he kissed him again. He loved the older man sure, they were like brothers. But Nick had always felt a small attraction to the older man. It was growing larger and Nick only hoped it was because that was how he really felt and not because he was lonely. He closed his eyes and thought about the way AJ made him feel. He made him feel needed, like Nick could actually make a difference in his life. He enjoyed being the protector. He just wished he knew what it was he was protecting AJ from. He doubted he would ever get the older man to open up about what was bothering him. He had thought about asking Brian but was afraid if he did he may open up a can of worms that could hate AJ more and he really didn't want to do that. He sighed again and rested his head on top of AJ's and quickly fell asleep.

~*~

Brian had seen them curled up together as he and Leighanne had left the van. He couldn't have gotten out of there fast enough to keep his sanity. He left so quickly that he left Leighanne in the parking lot in a hasty attempt to get to his room before his tears consumed him. He collapsed on his hotel room bed in a fit of tears. He laid there for awhile before his hotel room door banged open and slammed shut. Leighanne stood at the foot of the bed and watched Brian falling apart. She picked up a pillow he had managed to kick to the floor and smacked him upside the head with it. He jerked up into a sitting position finally realizing that he wasn't alone in the room any longer.

"Sit up and stop this right now Brian." She demanded crossing her arms over her chest. "I have sat around and watched you blubbering on like an idiot for the past week. You cannot live your life this way. This has to stop. Right. Now."

He tried to speak, to tell his tale, to explain his reasoning, but she cut him off without a chance. "Yes I know your heart is broken and it's hard to see him with someone else, but you cannot continue to mope around like a beaten animal. It's time for you to step up and be a man. A man he could be proud of not some love sick teenager. Let him go. If he wants to be with Nick, or Howie, or the guy down the street you have to let him. This stops now Brian. I mean it."

He stared at her for a moment allowing her words to sink in. She was right. He knew it, he had known it all along. It was still hard to do however. She sat down beside and placed her arm around his shoulder. "We need to talk Brian."

He looked at her confused. They were already getting divorced, what was left to talk about?

"I have been keeping something from you. I know it was wrong but I needed to work it out on my own before I involved you in it. I have reached my decision and now it's time for you to make yours. I'm pregnant, Brian." She looked at him closely trying to gage his reaction.

He let out a deep breath he hadn't been aware he'd been holding and met her eyes. "Are you sure?"

She laughed softly and placed his hand on her swollen stomach. It was unnoticeable if you weren't trying to see. She watched as his eyes grew wide. This was the first time he'd really touched her in months. "I'm eight months pregnant Brian. I didn't want to tell you, so I kept it a secret. I don't want to be a mother. I never wanted to be a mother. I figured I could skirt around the kid issue and I would be enough to keep your interest, but that wasn't the case. Now the decision is yours. If you do not want to raise the baby on your own I will look for adoptive parents, but the decision is yours alone. This is not something for us to discuss. I have been fighting with my decision for months now and I honestly believe it is the best decision for me." She watched him carefully for a moment.

He sat quietly playing with the ring on his finger. He would have to take that off soon as well. His mind was running a million miles a minute. Him a father? A single father? Could he do it? He knew without actually questioning it that there was no way he would ever let someone else have his child. "I want this Leigh, I have to do this. It may be just the thing I need to save me."

She smiled softly at him. She knew this would be the decision he made. "Are you sure Brian, because you have to be 110% sure about this. There will be no turning back."

He nodded furiously and swooped her up in his arms. He hugged her closely and kissed her mouth softly before pulling away. He laid his hands on her stomach and realized for the first time how much was really changing. He hadn't even noticed the roundness in her stomach or the way she was exhausted all of the time. They sat back down on the bed but remained in one another's embrace.

"I'm going to pack my things and leave. I want to be home, I want to go back to Atlanta. I will stay there until the baby comes, but you've got to get it together Brian. It's not going to be just you anymore Brian. Your child will be depending on you. You can't still be hung up on AJ while trying to raise a baby, you'll never make it."

She hugged him tightly. Her heart was breaking at the thought of leaving, but she couldn't stay, not anymore. There was no room for her in Brian's life anymore. Brian nodded and hugged her goodbye. They were ending their life together but at the same time she was bringing new life into Brian's life. He could hardly wait to see what the future held. He just prayed he could keep it all


	15. Chapter 15

AJ stood in the bathroom fixing his hair over and over again. He shook the remaining product out of the can and smoothed it through his dark locks and sighed in frustration at the finished product. No matter what he did he could not get his hair to lay right and he was beginning to get a little pissed off. For once in his life he really cared about his appearance and nothing was going right, making him angry. He groaned looking at the small bathroom clock and quickly washed his hands as he heard the door pounding. He moved quickly through the suite and yanked open the door. He swallowed hard as he saw Nick standing at the door looking hotter than AJ had ever remembered seeing him before. They smiled nervously at each other before AJ stepped aside and allowed Nick into the room.

They had decided to go out to dinner. Someplace casual so they wouldn't raise suspicion but someplace special enough where they could be alone. They both were nervous of the possibilities that this date could mean but both were unsure enough not to take the first step. Nick wasn't sure if he felt deep feelings for the older man or just an insatiable lust. AJ was still torn up over Brian and wasn't sure if he could ever open his heart again, but that was what this whole evening was about. Feeling out the other and trying to sort out their feelings. They would never know unless they tried and both were unwilling to let this opportunity slip through their fingers.

Nick smirked at AJ's appearance causing AJ to look down and blush slightly. AJ had spent so much time trying to fix his hair that he hadn't had time yet to get dressed. His thin waist was covered by the towel from his shower but that was all AJ had in the way of attire. AJ blushed deeper and grabbed his clothes. "You're early Carter!" he said as he retreated into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

Nick laughed and laid back on the bed flipping through the channels trying to calm down his racing hormones. Being attracted to AJ was not going to be the problem here. He knew he was early but he could not handle pacing in his room any longer. He was beyond nervous about what could happen on their date and all his nervous energy was leaving him hyper. He waited impatiently for AJ to come out of the bathroom. He couldn't settle on anything to watch. Nick heard shuffling and turned his head to look at the bathroom door. He swallowed hard as AJ finally emerged fully dressed and looking damn good. He wore an old pair of jeans and a nice shirt making him look hotter than he normally looked, at least in Nick's eyes.

AJ shifted uncomfortable under Nick's gaze unsure of how to respond. He grabbed his wallet and looked over at Nick to see if he was ready to go. They left the hotel room and rode the elevator to the entrance of the hotel. The two men hailed a cab to take them to the restaurant they had settled on for the evening. They had decided that pizza would be a casual enough option and Nick had found a quaint little place where they could be alone without having to worry about photographers and paparazzi. They were silent through the short cab ride to the restaurant, both men focused on their own feelings and nerves. Once they arrived they found the pizza place was mostly abandoned giving them the privacy that they so desperately craved.

Once they were led to their table and settled in they looked at each other shyly unsure of what to say. Nick laughed uneasily as AJ pulled out his pack of cigarettes. AJ lit up as they both scanned the menu in silence. They finally decided on a large pizza with extra cheese and lots of breadsticks. They made idle chitchat as they waited for their meal to be made. Both were nervous and unsure of how exactly to act around the other.

AJ lifted the cigarette to his lips and inhaled the blissful nicotine. It made him feel calmer, more sure of himself. They fell into easy conversation about how exhausted and hungry they were. Being on tour did that. It was an incredible experience, but it left both men constantly starved and exhausted. Before long their pizza came.

Nick smiled softly as he watched AJ. He couldn't believe they were actually doing this. They were having a good time so far. Some points were a little awkward but they just moved through them. Needing some sort of contact Nick reached out and took AJ's free hand in his from across the table. "I'm having a really nice time this evening, even if it is a little awkward." Nick laughed uneasily and managed a small smile. AJ squeezed Nick's hand back gently. "I know exactly what you mean."

They went back to eating but remained holding hands throughout the rest of the dinner. When they finished AJ reached for his wallet to pay but Nick stopped him midstride. "Let me, please?" Nick said softly his eyes begging. AJ hesitated for a moment before nodding and allowing Nick to pay. He definitely wasn't used to this. They left the restaurant hand in hand, hands hidden by their large jacket sleeves. AJ hailed a cab and shivered in his jacket at the crisp fall air. It was colder outside now then it had been earlier in the evening. He hated anything but sunny weather.

The cab finally came and took them back to the hotel. Once in their hallway they looked at each other suddenly unsure of everything again. AJ laughed softly to break the silence. "Come on, let's go watch TV in my room." he said softly. Nick nodded and followed closely behind. Once inside the hotel room they shed their jackets and grabbed some cans of soda out of the mini bar.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go change into my pajamas." AJ said rifling through his duffel bag for a set of sweats. Nick nodded and stood up. "I'm going to run back to my hotel room and change too then. I'll just be a minute."

AJ nodded and watched as Nick let himself out of the hotel room. He let out a deep sigh and ran his fingers through his hair nervously.

The "date" had been nice, awkward, but nice. Nick would never be Brian, hell no one would ever be Brian. He couldn't decide if that was alright or not. He had found the great love of his life, but his love didn't want anything to do with Brian. It broke his heart, but that was reality. Could he really continue to mope around like he had been? His heart was broken, that much he was sure of, but could it be put back together? Could Nick be the key to happiness?

He sighed again and grabbed his whole duffel bag, giving up the search for his pajamas. He would have to dump the whole damn thing out. He changed in the bathroom shoving the discarded clothes back in the bag to be dealt with later. He stared in the mirror at his reflection and could hardly believe there was a genuine smile on his face. Maybe he could do this, maybe he could give himself to Nick. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually smiled without it being forced or fake.

He took one last glance at his appearance before exiting the bathroom. Nick was already back and had made himself comfy on the king sized bed. AJ climbed up beside him and laid on his back. Nick turned down his cartoons that he was watching and laid down beside AJ. They laid there for awhile not saying a word.

"Want to play a game?" Nick asked after the silence got the better of him. He rolled over onto his stomach and looked down at the older man.

"Depends on the game," AJ said laughing. He smirked at Nick and mentally begged him not to play video games, he hated playing video games.

"Twenty Questions, I think it would be fun. You can even go first!" Nick said smiling. AJ sighed and thought for a moment.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked peering up at the blonde. Nick slapped his arm causing AJ to laugh loudly.

"Come on J! You know the answers to those questions! Ask a good one." Nick whined.

AJ laughed at Nick's childness. He knew he was being difficult but nothing good could come from this game. He was beginning to get a little scared about the questions Nick might ask. He wasn't sure he could manage to lie if he was put on the spot.

"Umm let's see. Do you wish you would have taken responsibility of Aaron when your parents were willing to sign their rights over to you?"

Nick sat shocked for a moment. He hadn't prepared himself for AJ to ask such personal questions. He had devised this game to get to the bottom of what was haunting AJ, not the other way around. Nick was silent remembering one of the hardest times in his life. His parents had decided to get divorced, it was the best thing for their family, but it had left the Carter kids broken and devastated. Aaron had begged, pleaded to be able to stay with Nick, but Nick could barely take care of himself, let alone Aaron. He had told his parents he wasn't ready for the responsibility of having Aaron full time. He regretted his decision every day. Aaron fell into a bad way, had a hard time dealing with everything and ended up getting caught up in drugs and alcohol. Nick sighed.

"Sometimes I wish I would have taken him and forgot everything else. He was my baby brother. I was so worried that I would screw up that I couldn't handle the responsibility, but I think he's worse off now than he would have been if he had stayed with me. I don't know J. It kills me but at that time I fully believed I was making the right decision. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone anyone else. I knew if I was to agree to take him then there would forever be this line drawn between me and my sisters and I didn't want them to feel like I loved them any less. I couldn't shift them all around from city to city. It was a horrible situation and I had no way of knowing if I was dealing with it the right way or not. I still don't." Nick sighed and closed his eyes. He hadn't been prepared to reopen all of these old wounds he had spent so much time trying to mend. AJ looked at the blonde and saw the pain etched on his beautiful features and immediately felt guilty for asking the question in the first place. AJ knew this game was a bad idea. He moved around until he was able to find Nick's hand on the bed and laced his fingers through the other man's hand.

"Your turn," AJ managed to choke out scared shittless of what Nick would ask.

"Have you ever been in love?" Nick asked looking up to meet AJ's eyes, suddenly very curious of his answer. AJ closed his eyes and breathed in slowly, Brian's face filling his mind.

"Yes," he managed to get out without allowing the tears to come.

Nick nodded and stayed silent for a moment. "Is that what has you so messed up J?" Nick asked softly, almost childlike.

AJ had to suck in a breath sharply to keep his composure. He nodded slowly before answering. "Yes."

Nick dropped it already forming more questions and answers in his mind. He was starting to get a sinking suspicion about what was going on.

"Have you ever been in love Nicky?" AJ asked rubbing his eyes in an attempt to calm his racing heart. He would not cry in front of Nick. He would keep it together.

Nick rolled onto his back but didn't let go of AJ's hand for even a second.

"Yeah, I was." He said smiling softly. AJ looked at Nick carefully. This was definitely news to him.

"Who?" he blurted out before he had a chance to contain himself. He had to know. Nick laughed loudly before he blushed and ducked his head. He had never told another person this before. He was suddenly scared how AJ would react.

"Kevin." he said quietly.

AJ sat up on the bed quickly eyes wide and mouth gaping at the younger man. "What the hell Nick!" he yelled a little too loudly. "When the fuck did this happen? How did we not know about this? Did the old man know? Holy fucking shit." AJ blurted out all in a rush, his mind swimming.

Nick laughed and rolled his eyes. "No fair. That was like five questions! Let's see. It happened a long time ago. I guess it happened pretty much from the moment I met him. it just took me a little longer to realize that what I felt for him was love. I noticed right away that the way I felt about him was different than the way I felt about the rest of you. I love you all dearly, but there was just something...more...about Kevin. No one knew about it and no, he never knew either."

AJ continued to stare at the younger band mate. He had closed his mouth but his eyes were still wide in surprise. Nick chuckled and rolled his eyes again.

"What's so hard to understand? Why is it such a big deal? It's not like anything ever happened."

AJ shook his head and smiled. "I don't know. It's just hard to imagine it was Kevin. He was so much older than we were. I never thought that would even be possible. I mean I could see it being Brian. You two were abnormally close, but all that time you wanted the other Kentucky cousin. It's just hard to wrap my mind around."

Nick blushed and looked away. "What? I don't know. I never thought of it as being weird aside from the fact that it made me realize I was gay, now that was weird, but it's Kevin. There's nothing weird about Kevin. I guess it started out as some form of hero worship. He was the only constant male in my life that helped me and took care of me. Then as I grew older I liked the way he took care of me and cared for me. I liked the way he always made sure I was ok, safe. He was the one that held me when I cried and made me feel better when I was sick. He was everything to me, and then he left and my whole world fell apart. It killed me to watch him pack his bags and leave. It felt like she had finally won. I knew he would never feel that way about me, but with him here I could at least pretend sometimes. I felt like he abandoned me. My whole life has been one big shitty mess. The only constant thing I had in my life was the four of you and then he just leaves, out of nowhere." Nick sniffed and wiped the tears away that were falling down his pale cheeks.

"And I had to swallow the pain and pretend like I was happy for him. I had to pretend like I wasn't as affected by his leaving as I was. I had to hold it all together during the day until I could break down at night. It went on like that until I realized nothing I did could bring him back, he was gone and I was heartbroken. I learned to deal with it and after awhile it became a little easier to breathe without him here, I didn't feel like I was dying every time someone mentioned his name."

AJ sat shocked at everything that Nick had just laid out on the table. He couldn't believe that their younger brother had been holding all of that in for so long without any of them seeing it. He understood or at least to some degree, but he still could not bring himself to tell Nick about Brian. AJ opened his arms and Nick fell into them still trying to quiet his tears, AJ kissed the top of Nick's head and held him close. Nick looked up at AJ and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Thanks for a wonderful evening." Nick breathed out. AJ nodded. "I enjoyed it too. We should do it again sometime soon." Nick smiled and snuggled deeper into AJ's arms. The two men settled back into AJ's bed and fell asleep, dreaming of the loves that they had to leave behind.


	16. Chapter 16

Brian wanted to scream as he continued to read all of the disgusting things that went on with a woman while she was pregnant. He couldn’t put the book down even though it continued to gross him out page after page. He was very thankful he had not been born a female. He was sure he would not have been able to handle it. He could see now why some women were very determined to never have children.

Leighanne had gone to a bookstore and had purchased every baby book she could find and then boxed them up and sent them to him. He’d almost tripped over them the other day because someone left them by his bunk without telling him they were there, but after he regained his footing he had ripped open the boxes knowing what was inside. He had laughed and smiled to himself making Howie look at him like he’d lost his mind, but he couldn’t help it. He felt free when thinking about his child. He couldn’t wait to be a father.

Leighanne was already eight months pregnant and the doctors had warned her that the baby could come early and to make sure she was prepared. He still couldn’t believe she had managed to keep such a huge secret for so long. He knew he had to tell the rest of the guys soon, but he was trying to hold off as long as possible. They would have to make all the proper arrangements to be able to have the baby on the road with them. That was one meeting management was not going to like. He wasn’t entirely sure how they would react. He didn’t want them doubting his ability to raise his own child, or them trying to talk him out of it. It was his decision and he had made it. They would just have to deal with it, when the time came, now was not that time. He couldn’t bare the thought of looking them all in the face and telling them he’d failed at his marriage and was getting a divorce. Thoughts of the baby had consumed his thoughts and had taken the focus off of his pain and projected it onto his happiness.

Brian thanked the waiter as he brought him another cup of coffee. He was sitting in a small cafe around the corner from the hotel. He needed some fresh air and a chance to get away. Being in the hotels was fun for awhile, but they also made Brian even lonelier. So he had packed his backpack with books and left. He had worn a disguise and had brought his body guard so he felt safe and free being able to go thoroughly through the parenting books, but that was before Nick walked in.

Nick’s eyes lit up when he saw Brian sitting alone and quickly made his way to the table where Brian sat. He stopped short and his eyes grew wide as he saw the stack of parenting books on the table. He sat down slowly almost afraid. Brian quickly moved the stack of books off the table, but was not quick enough. He knew Nick had already seen them. He smiled cheekily as he took a sip of the hot coffee from his mug. “What’s up Nick?” Brian asked innocently.

“What the hell Brian? What else have you been keeping from me?” Nick demanded crossing his arms across his chest.

Brian looked away and sighed. He knew this was going to happen. Nick was going to get hurt and think it was some big conspiracy to keep him in the dark, when all Brian needed was just a little space and understanding. He watched the people coming in and out of the cafe and wondered briefly how it would feel to lead a normal life. Then maybe he wouldn’t be so clueless in this parenting thing. He remained silent unsure of what to say, where to begin.

“Come on Brian. What’s going on? We used to tell each other everything. You used to be my Frick? What’s going on with us that you have to keep secrets?” Nick asked softly, almost in tears.

Brian sighed and leaned back in his chair finally meeting Nick’s eyes. “We haven’t been spending a lot of time together, have we?” He asked softly.

Nick nodded sadly. “I just miss you Bri. You used to be like the other half of me. The Frick to my Frack. Don’t shut me out now, please. Let me know what’s going on. I love you.”

Brian thought for a moment before beginning. “Leighanne and I decided to get a divorce.” Brian started, deciding to tell the younger man the entire story.

Nick’s eyes grew wide. “Why? What? How? When? What happened?” Nick blubbered on a million miles a minute.

Brian laughed softly. “Calm down Nick. Everything’s alright. It was a couple weeks ago. It was more of a mutual decision then something one sided. We just grew apart, we both wanted different things and it didn’t make sense for us to be married anymore. Neither one of us was happy so we decided we were better off as friends instead of husband and wife.”

Nick nodded but was still confused and couldn’t wrap his mind around everything at once. “So what’s with the baby name book?” Nick asked leaning back in his chair.

Brian smiled. “Well, Leighanne is eight months pregnant.”

Nick fell out of his chair and onto the cafe floor causing people to turn around quickly at the loud noise. Brian began laughing uncontrollably and Nick glared at him as one of the bodyguards helped him up off the floor. He sat back down gently, making sure he would not fall again. “Next time warn a person so they can make sure all four chair legs are on the floor before you drop something like that.”Nick growled angrily.

Brian smiled. “Oh you’ve been warned. That’s not the entire story so keep the damn chair still. She doesn’t want to keep the baby. So I am going to take complete control and responsibility.” Brian said smiling proudly.

Nick say shocked trying to take in all of the new information. He couldn’t believe everything Brian had just told him. “What a bitch!” Nick said loudly.

Brian shook his head. “I understand her reasoning for doing this and I’d rather t be this way so I can have my baby with me all of the time instead of half way across the world in Georgia the whole time. I’m ready, I can do this.”

Nick watched in amazement as his best friend grew up. He couldn’t believe Brian was going to be a father, much less a single father. He knew Brian could do it though. Out of all of them Brian was the most responsible.

“Please don’t tell anyone Nick. I am not ready to tell them yet. If management or my parents find out before I am ready they will try and talk me out of this and I don’t want that. This is my life. I’m going to live it how I want to.”

Nick nodded. “I won’t say a word to anyone and I’ll be here for you if you need to talk, or need help with the baby or whatever. Wow in less than two months we’re going to have the first Backstreet Baby. A cute little Brian to play with!” Nick said grinning.

Brian laughed, “We don’t know what sex it is yet. It could turn out being a girl, who knows. And you can’t really play with a baby for the first few months.” Nick rolled his eyes. “You know what I meant.”

Brian smiled across the table. “Thanks for listening Nick. It feels good to be able to talk to someone besides Leigh about it. We should totally hang out more.”

Nick smiled widely. “Yeah! Don’t worry about it Bri, I’m always here for you, you know that. I’m going to go get changed for the sound check.”

Nick got up from the table and left the cafe. He couldn’t believe there was going to be baby around. He entered his hotel suite and smiled as he remembered his date with AJ the night before. He had an amazing time. The game had really back fired on him, making himself open up old wounds instead of getting to the bottom of what was really eating away at AJ. He hated having to talk about Kevin and Aaron, things he had dealt with so long ago. It felt good to talk about it, but he hated the images, the thoughts that lingered from discussing it.

He changed quickly and was ready to leave to get on the van when there was a knock at his door. He opened it quickly to find a very handsome AJ standing on the other side. AJ stepped into the room and shut the door roughly behind him. He took Nick in his arms and hugged him closely. Nick smiled at the act unsure of how to respond. He hugged him back just as hard. AJ pulled back a bit before leaning down and kissing Nick softly. Nick smiled into the kiss and kissed him back harder, pushing the smaller man up against the closed door. The two men got lost in the kiss allowing it to deepen and get more intense.

There was a loud knock at the door making the two men break apart quickly. “Nick, we’re leaving soon. Get your butt downstairs.” Howie yelled through the door. The two men stared at each other, chests heaving trying to catch their breath. “We’d better go.” Nick said.

AJ opened the door to Nick’s hotel room and slipped out into the hall leaving Nick alone in the room with his thoughts. Nick finished getting ready to meet everyone downstairs. He thought for a moment and smiled as he thought about their kiss. He could certainly get used to this.


	17. Chapter 17

AJ whistled to himself as he jumped up the steps of the bus. He felt happier than he had in weeks. He had a newfound sense of belonging and self confidence. He still missed Brian, but he had to face some facts. Brian had made it clear that he didn’t love him and he was tired of letting Brian get the best of him all the time. He was tired of being unhappy. He just wanted to live. Nick made the pain of missing Brian lessen and he would be forever grateful to the younger blond for being there for him, no questions asked. He still didn’t feel comfortable telling Nick about Brian, and he seriously doubted he ever would.

He changed into sweats and an old t-shirt and stretched out on the couch in the lounge area waiting on Nick to get on the bus. They had decided to ride together to the next city and AJ was more than thrilled. He hated being alone on the damn buses. He always got bored an hour into it and would be thankful to have some company for the duration of the trip. He had ordered a pizza and had made Marcus go and get it before they boarded. He had even gone out and bought three cases of Mountain Dew. All that was missing was the younger blonde.

The door to the bus slammed open smashing against the wall and making one of the loudest sounds AJ had ever heard. He laughed hysterically as he watched Nick fall into the bus trying to hold all of his bags. AJ got off the couch and went to help the younger man, chuckling the whole time. “What the hell Nick?” AJ said laughing.

Nick glared at AJ from his place on the steps. He through the closest bag up at AJ and smiled when it hit him in the face. AJ laughed and reached down a hand to help him up. Once Nick was on his feet again he finished picking up the bags and through them into the lounge area of the bus. He quickly whirled around and pinned AJ to the nearest wall and kissed him softly. AJ smiled into the kiss and reached around to pull Nick closer. They stayed like that for a few moments before Nick pulled away and rested his forehead gently against AJ’s. “It’s nice to share a bus with someone.” He said shyly.

AJ smiled and grabbed his hand, leading him to the couch and the pizza. Nick flopped down on the couch and opened a couple cans of soda. AJ wondered into the kitchen and grabbed plates. Nick took them with a smile and handed AJ back a full plate. The two men settled easily back into the couch with their pizza.

“What did you do today?” AJ asked munching on his first slice of pizza. He looked at Nick curiously when he didn’t answer.

Nick hesitated unsure of what he was supposed to say. He realized his silence would be more damning so he reasoned slowly. “Well, I hung out with Brian for a little bit.” He said unsure of how the older man would react. He knew something had happened between the two band mates. They could barely be in the same room with each other. He just prayed that their fights would not escalate. He could not handle a tour where they were at each other’s throats the whole time.

AJ smiled and nodded. “That’s pretty cool. You two don’t really see each other much when Leighanne’s here.” Nick laughed uneasily causing AJ to look at him closely. “What?” He questioned roughly.

Nick shrugged. “Apparently Leigh went home. Not sure why. Brian just said she went home the other day and wouldn’t be back with us for quite a while.” Nick said quickly not wanting to tell AJ more than he needed too. This wasn’t his news to spill. He could never betray Brian’s trust either.

AJ felt all the air leave the room. Leigh had left? When did this happen? Brian had made it pretty damn clear that she would be staying for quite a while and was more than ecstatic about it. He wondered what could have happened to make this sudden change. “That’s a bit strange. I thought Brian was really happy to have her here.” AJ said looking away quickly.

Nick shrugged and changed the subject chattering on about the new video game he wanted to get when they got to the next city. AJ laughed and smiled at the appropriate times but he could not really focus on what Nick was saying. All he could think about was Brian and what could possibly be going on that would make Leighanne go home.

He hated himself for feeling a shred of hope that things between him and Brian could improve. He cursed himself again for falling in love with Brian. Everything had been so much simpler when they were just using each other to get off. AJ had laughed when Brian had even suggested it could be a bad idea because one of them could end up falling for the other. AJ never anticipated that person would be him.

Nick sighed softly. He could see that the other man was miserable but had no idea how to fix it. He just wished AJ would open up to him and tell him what was going on, what had happened. He sat a little closer on the worn couch and pulled the smaller man into his arms. AJ didn’t resist and curled up against Nick’s chest. No words were spoken but they held each other tightly. They fell asleep easily, lulled by the gentle sway of the bus.

They awoke a while later cramped and more tired than they had originally went to sleep. Nick peered outside and noticed that the bus had pulled up to the hotel. He sighed and got up to gather his bags. AJ hurriedly got his things together and bounded off the bus right after Nick.

They were going to spend a few days in this city. They were playing two back to back concerts and had a couple days off before and after the concert making them here almost a week. Nick had no idea where they were but he knew they were near an ocean, he could smell the salt in the air. He smiled as the wind caressed his face. He couldn’t wait to get AJ down by the water. AJ bumped his arm against Nick’s and smiled as they made their way into the hotel. “Can’t wait to go swimming!” Nick beamed at AJ causing the older man to smile too. “Me either Nicky.”

Once inside the hotel they wondered over to the elevators trying not to cause a ruckus that would draw attention to themselves. As the doors shut Nick turned and faced AJ. He pushed him gently against the wall and kissed his lips soft and gentle. Nothing elaborate but just enough, he pulled away quickly as the doors opened up to their floor. Nick reached down and took AJ’s hand in his own. AJ smiled and squeezed Nick’s hand gently. No words were needed as the two men exited the elevator. AJ wasn’t sure what was going on between them, but it felt good to have some contact with another person. Nick pulled AJ down the hallway to his door.

“You want to stay with me before we have to get up again?” AJ nodded and pressed Nick into the hotel door kissing him softly. “Thanks Nicky, for everything.” Nick nodded smiling shyly. He pulled AJ into his hotel room, slamming the door behind them.

Brian could hear the slamming door echoing in his ears but still he stood motionless. He felt like the hallway carpet had been yanked out from underneath him and he had to force himself to remain upright on his feet instead of falling to his knees. His heart beat fast and he felt the old familiar tears welling up in his eyes.  
He had seen them the moment that they had stepped off of the elevator. They had been so wrapped up in each other that they hadn’t even scanned the hallway before proceeding to Nick’s room. They didn’t even look to see if there was anyone standing around. They had been completely oblivious to everything around them, so wrapped up in each other.

Brian felt his stomach tighten and fought the urge to be sick. He couldn’t think straight let alone process how he was going to handle seeing them together every day. He had to get out of there. He had to get out of this hotel, out of this city. He turned to go to his room and collided into Howie.

“You alright Brian? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Howie asked concerned. He eyed his friend curiously trying to figure out what was the matter.

Brian mumbled something about getting the hell out of here and pushed past Howie in a mad dash to his hotel room. He gathered all of his things and stuffed them back into his duffel bag. He grabbed the desk phone and called for a cab, determined not to spend his days off stuck in a hotel room with the two of them. Howie stood in the doorway of Brian’s room watching him pace around and gather things together. He had never seen his younger friend so miserable, so out of it and antsy before. It was beginning to freak him out. Brian whirled around and quickly saw Howie still standing in the doorway.

“I’m leaving D. I’ll be back before rehearsals but I have to get out of here. I can’t stay here. “He shook his head to erase his thoughts and waited impatiently for Howie to step out of the way. He quickly went to the glanced at the elevator and decided better of it and opened the door leading to the staircase.

Howie said nothing but only watched as the smaller man glanced once at Nick’s door before opening the door to the stairs. He had no idea what was going on inside Brian but he was determined to find out one way or another. Whatever demons Brian was dealing with were winning and he wasn’t going to sit around and watch them take over his friend. He could only wonder how Nick fit into this as well.


	18. Chapter 18

Where no one will ask cause nobody knows  
You're not in my life anymore  
And no one can tell the salt water from my tears  
No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves  
Ain't gonna wash your memory away  
But there's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier  
If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

~*~

Brian slammed the cab door and turned to face the sun. The waves of the ocean splashed gently placing a gentle hum in the air. He breathed in the salt water of the ocean and blinked back tears. This would end now. He shook his head and shoved the backpack further on his back. He started towards the beach front condo and smiled as he saw how serene it looked. Maybe this would be okay after all. He took three bigger steps and was on the porch. He dug around in his pocket for the keys and quickly entered the condo. He flicked on the light and placed the bags on the floor. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned to look in the living room and saw Kevin sitting calmly in the overstuffed chair in the corner.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Brian yelled a little louder than he had originally intended. He slammed his keys down on the coffee table and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I could ask you the same question.” Kevin said pointedly not backing down.

Brian roughly ran his fingers through his curls and turned away from Kevin. “Howie called you, didn’t he?” Brian asked refusing to look at his older cousin.

“Uh huh. What I want to know is why he had to call me. Why didn’t you call me and tell me something was going on. What’s going on with you? I thought you were handling everything ok. What made you freak and run?” Kevin asked trying to understand.

Brian inhaled sharply and dropped to his knees in sobs catching Kevin completely off guard. The older man rushed to his side unsure of what to do to help his younger cousin. He gathered the frail man in his arms and began to gently rock them back and forth.

“He’s moved on. He doesn’t want or need me anymore.” Brian sobbed out. He tried to maintain his composure but his emotions won out and he dissolved into sobs again. “I can’t stop thinking about him.”

Kevin rubbed his back soothingly trying to ease Brian down. Brian held tightly to Kevin until his cries became softer and turned into hiccups. “As much as this hurts, you have got to pull yourself together. You’re going to be a father. A baby is not going to understand what is going on if you break down like this all the time. You are going to have to learn to be around him without letting your emotions get in the way. You’ve got to let him go. It’s going to hurt like hell and it’s going to get worse before it gets better, but you cannot continue living life this way.” Kevin said gently.

Brian nodded, knowing full well that everything Kevin said was true. Finally exhausted Kevin released his hold on Brian and stood up. “Are you going to be ok?” Brian nodded and leaned against the couch to calm down. “I need to get back. Kris will go insane if I’m gone too long. I just needed to come here and check on you, make sure you were alright.” Brian nodded and looked closely at Kevin for the first time since he’d noticed Kevin was there.

His older cousin looked exhausted and well beyond his years. His features were tired and ragged and he cursed Kristin for making him this way. “How’s that going?” Kevin rolled his eyes and rubbed his hands over his cheeks. “It’s going. I hate every minute of it but there isn’t a lot I can do about it so I just got used to it.” Kevin said shaking his head. “I wish things didn’t have to be this way. “ Brian said unable to meet Kevin’s eyes. Kevin nodded and sighed heavily. “Me too cuz, me too”

Brian picked himself up off the floor and walked Kevin to the door. He hugged the older man tightly secretly thankful by his intrusion. He leaned against the doorframe and watched as Kevin got into his car and drove away. Brian had been so distraught when first arriving that he hadn’t even taken notice to his cousin’s car in the drive.

He made his way back inside and decided to change for the beach. He changed into plaid shorts and a red sweater. The sun was beginning to set and he didn’t want to have to come back inside if he got cold. He grabbed a bottle of water out of his backpack and shut the door to the condo. He walked slowly down to the beach and walked further down to the shore. He stared out into the vast ocean and allowed the waves to lap at his feet. He felt helpless, drowning. He had to get on with his life now.

He sat in the sand and picked it up by handfuls, allowing it to slip slowly through his fingers. He was going to be a father. He was going to have a little life depending on him for everything. He bit back a sob at the thought of raising a baby all on his own. He was excited, so excited. But in all of his excitement was despair for his broken heart. He was going to be a single parent. He would be alone for the rest of his life with nothing but him and his baby. He would never love another the way he loved Alex. And now, Alex loved someone else.

He allowed the tears to fall determined to leave this pain here at this house. The house he had bought for them. Alex had thought this was just another of Brian and Leighanne’s properties, but Leighanne had never sat foot here, didn’t even know it existed. He had bought it so he could have a special place for him and Alex to be together away from Leighanne, away from the world. Alex didn’t know the significance of this place, he didn’t know it was only for him and Brian. He must have thought it was just a place that Brian took him to fuck him so they wouldn’t have to rent hotel rooms, but this house was so much more. It held so many memories. They broke his heart and made him cry all over again.

He stayed out there staring into the blue of the water for a long time trying to let go, even just a little bit. He had to be able to be around them when he got back to the hotel. He couldn’t continue to run away every time his feelings got the better of him. It began to get even colder as the sun set in the distance. Brian was determined to stay outside until he felt like he could face the world again. He felt like an idiot for running away but at the time he had felt he had no alternative. He laid back on the sand ignoring the sand getting into his clothes and hair and tried to picture his life without Alex in it. All he could conjure up was a blank. He couldn’t imagine tomorrow without Alex at all. He sighed. He was going to be out here all night.

~*~

The three remaining band members met for breakfast in the hotel lobby. Nick and AJ were laughing and pushing each other on the way to the table. They smiled at each other before sitting down across from Howie. Howie glanced up and smiled to see that AJ actually looked happy. It had been too long since he had saw his younger friend genially smile.

“Where’s Brian? I thought he would come too.” Nick asked looking at the empty seat beside Howie. Howie hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should elaborate.

“He…um…left last night. Said he needed to have some time alone and he’d be back before rehearsals tomorrow.”

Nick and AJ looked at each other confused.

“Why would he leave?” AJ questioned. Nick shifted uneasily in his seat hoping no one asked him what he knew. He was a horrible liar and didn’t want to accidently let it slip about the baby or the divorce.

“I’m not sure.” Howie said shrugging. “He was pretty messed up last night. He demanded to be allowed to leave. He flew out of here like a bat out of hell. I have no idea what’s wrong with him. I thought everything was going great with him. It got me concerned so I called Kevin. He said he’d take care of it. I don’t even know where he went but Kevin seemed to think he had some idea.”

Nick nodded and focused on his plate silently praying that neither one asked him what he knew. The three settled into easy conversation as they continued to eat their breakfast. AJ could not figure out for the life of him what could have Brian spooked enough to run without telling someone where he was going. He glanced at Nick and noticed him fidgeting in his seat. It hit him quickly, the blonde shit knew what was going on, or at least had a pretty good idea.

AJ couldn’t think of anyplace close enough that Brian could be holed up at unless he flew home to be with Leighanne for a couple of days. He quickly finished eating and waited patiently for Nick to finish. He followed him back to Nick’s hotel room. Before he even had a chance to think he was being pinned up against the closed hotel room door with Nick’s mouth on his. He kissed him back and moved his hands to rest gently on Nick’s waist. They broke apart and Nick smiled sheepishly. “Want to stay and watch tv with me?” AJ nodded and took Nick’s hand, following him to the bed.

Once settled AJ decided to ask the question that had been bothering him since they sat down for breakfast.

“So I take it you know what’s going on with Brian.”

Nick froze and wouldn’t meet AJ’s eyes. He wasn’t sure how to respond. He didn’t want to betray Brian’s trust but at the same time he didn’t want to lie to AJ either.

“If I tell you then you can’t act like you know anything. I wasn’t supposed to say anything.” Nick said sighing heavily.

AJ nodded now even more interested in the information then before. “Leighanne’s pregnant.” Nick said happily his eyes sparkling. He figured it was the better of the two to let slip. He didn’t want to give away all of Brian’s secrets.

“Pregnant? How far along is she? When did he plan on telling us?” AJ managed to choke out without too much emotion. A baby? The number one thing that AJ could never give Brian, and now that bitch was giving it to him. He could feel his heart continue to break from every word out of Nick’s mouth. He struggled to keep his emotions under control. He could not let Nick see him get upset.  
“Yeah! Isn’t it great. She’s eight months along! We’re going to have the first Backstreet baby soon! I’m so excited!” Nick said bouncing on the bed.

“Yeah, it’s very exciting.” AJ said feigning interest. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down. Once he felt like he was composed they settled down against the headboard. Nick wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist and rested his head on AJ’s chest. AJ hugged him back and closed his eyes. With his eyes closed Nick couldn’t see the storm that raged behind his eyes. A baby pretty much cemented the end of whatever relationship they could or used to have. It was all over, once and for all. Not that it hadn’t been over for quite a while, but the reality of the situation still hit AJ like a ton of bricks. It hurt more than he would care to admit. After all of this time he should be alright, so why did it feel like his heart was breaking all over again?


	19. Chapter 19

Brian snuck into his hotel room early the next morning. He felt revived and more refreshed and ready for moving on with his life and whatever challenges came his way in that processes. After spending the entire evening crying on the beach he had to pick himself up and decide the best way to mend his broken heart. He came to the conclusion that the only way to do that was to focus 110% on his impeding child and try his damnedest not to think about AJ anymore. He still missed AJ and longed to be with him, but he had to face some hard facts. He and AJ were over. It was his fault and there was nothing he could do to change the past. If Nick and AJ wanted to be together then he was happy for them. He wanted AJ to be happy, even if it meant having to remove himself from the equation.

He could only focus on the future, the future he had by being a parent. He had called his family on the way back and explained the entire situation to them, leaving out the parts about AJ, and cried with them. They were not happy with the outcome of his marriage, but they would deal. It felt good to have the burden of telling his parents off of his back and he felt more ready to move forward. He was going to be a parent and that was the entire headache he needed for now.

He stretched out on the bed exhausted from the flight and lying on the beach the entire evening. Every muscle in his body ached and screamed in resistance at his every move. He closed his eyes and allowed the sweet sleep to overtake him , taking him to a place without dreams or nightmares. He awoke awhile later to the pounding on his hotel room door. Every pound went through his head like a nail making him wince and curse as he stumbled to get out of the bed. He groaned loudly as he tripped over his shoes and smashed into the wall. He was going to kill whoever insisted on the pounding. He finally reached the door and flung it open grasping the handle tightly to keep his balance. He flung the door open so quickly the visitor almost knocked on his face.

“What the fuck do you want?” Brian managed to bite out glaring at Nick angrily. Nick stood there smiling sweetly. “Good afternoon Brian. When did you get back?” Nick asked brushing past Brian to enter his hotel room. He took a seat on the bed and smiled ay Brian expectantly waiting for him to come in as well.

“Yes, please do come in Nicky.” Brian said sarcastically slamming the door and joining Nick on the bed. “Someone’s crabby this afternoon.” Nick said looking at Brian closely. He looked exhausted.

Brian glared at him. “I would have been fine if you hadn’t insisted on waking me up do god damn early.” Nick laughed loudly making Brian’s head throb harder.

“Brian, it’s almost 3:45 in the afternoon!”

Brian glanced at the clock and groaned loudly. He threw himself back on the bed dramatically. Nick laughed harder and laid down bedside him growing serious. “Bri, I sort of told AJ about Leighanne being pregnant. I didn’t tell him about the divorce or anything like that. He was worried. Howie told us that you were upset and needed to get away and I told him you were probably stressed about the baby. I’m sorry. “

Brian sighed and turned his head to look at Nick. “It’s probably time they knew anyway. I just wasn’t ready to tell them about the divorce and the fact that I’ll be a single parent and have to listen to how I can’t handle it on my own. I would appreciate it if we kept the divorce just between us for right now. I want to tell them when the time is right. I don’t want Howie to know yet.” Brian said smiling.

Nick laughed and nodded. “Yeah he’s going to blow his lid when he finds out about this.” Brian smiled. “I’m not mad at you Nicky, don’t worry.

“Want to come downstairs and have lunch with all of us?” Nick asked hopefully. He hated how far apart that they all had grown. It was like once Kevin left they all separated to their own corners and hardly cohabitated. He hated being away from his brothers and needed them around more. Brian hesitated wanting nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and never come out, but seeing the pleasing look on Nick’s face made him think otherwise.

“Sure Nick. Just give me a few minutes to change and I’ll meet you down there. “ Nick bounced on the bed and jumped up. “I’ll go tell the others that we’re ready to go and meet you there!” Nick bounded out of the room more excited then he’d been in a long time. He loved when they all spent time together.

Brian sighed and ran his hands over his face. He was not looking forward to this lunch. If Nick hadn’t gotten so excited he would have just climbed back in bed and stayed there until someone dragged him out, but he couldn’t disappoint his best friend. He was right; they never did anything together anymore. He did miss his brothers; he just wanted to miss them tomorrow.

He kept trying to convince himself that this lunch would be easier than he thought as he rummaged in his duffle bag for some presentable clothes. He pulled out a dark blue t-shirt and decided it wasn’t all that wrinkled. He pulled on a pair of jeans and grabbed his tennis shoes from the corner. He was surprised at how quickly he had managed to get dressed. He grabbed his keys and wallet and closed the hotel room door securely behind him. He tried to remain calm in the elevator. This would be the first time seeing AJ and Nick together and he prayed he could handle it. He could do this, he was stronger now.

The other guys were already waiting when he got downstairs to the hotel restaurant. He grabbed the empty seat next to Howie and smiled brightly at his brothers. He had missed this. After the initial awkwardness they fell into easy conversation about trivial things. Brian decided that now was as good of time as any to fill Howie in so he proceeded to tell Howie about Leighanne’s pregnancy trying desperately to avoid AJ’s gaze as he talked excitedly about the impending birth. They laughed and joked, talking a million miles a minute. All the men were smiling and basking in the company that they had let slip away from them. This was home, for all four men. No matter what happened, they would always have this, this warmth and homeliness in the company of each other. It was something they easily forgot and took for granted, but they meant the world to each other and it was nice to be reminded of that every now and then.

“Guys, I have the best idea ever!” Nick said excitedly interrupting the current conversation. He had been silent for a while thinking of the perfect moment to spring this on them so that they would agree.

“What’s that Frack?” Brian said humoring him.

“We should all ride the same bus to the next city tonight like old times! It would be so cool.” Nick said smiling at the remaining band mates.

They all looked at each other convinced this was a horrible idea, but none of them had the heart to hurt Nick’s feelings, so one by one they nodded their heads and faked a smile for their younger band mate. They all agreed to meet downstairs at six. They decided that Howie’s bus would be the best to pile on as it would be the cleanest and most orderly. They finished lunch and separated to pack to leave.

Brian slowly made his way back to his hotel room. This was going to be a nightmare. Lunch he could handle, but sleeping on the same bus? That was pushing it further than Brian thought he could handle. He began packing his things slowly and deliberately once he got back to his room. This was going to be a night he wanted soon to forget and it hadn’t even started yet.


	20. Chapter 20

And a long night it had quickly turned out to be with AJ and Brian trying too hard to avoid each other but not so much that it made it obvious to the other guys that they were ignoring each other. They had played games, watched movies, and ate tons of junk food. They laughed and told stories, it felt good, it felt like old times, the only thing missing was Kevin. Brian enjoyed the time they spent together but he tried hard not to think about AJ sitting so close by. It was hard to see him and Nick flirt with each other and share secret smiles. He wasn’t sure if they even realized they were doing it, but he could see it all. At least he was dealing with it and not running away again.

Nick had fallen asleep during the last movie and had been snoring and drooling for the past forty-five minutes. They decided to call it a night and went their separate ways. Brian took his baby name book from his back pack and curled up on the couch in the lounge area of the bus. He had little less than a month to come up with a name that his child would be stuck with for the rest of their lives. He had never had a problem with his own name, but he had had friends that hated their parents for giving them their birth names. He didn’t want his child to hate his name. He wanted it to be perfect. This would probably be the only child he ever had so he had one chance to make it right.

Looking at these books made him feel like a girl. Only girls spent this much time pouring over every page and trying their best to come up with the perfect name. He wished he had had a name picked out since the beginning of time, or something he and Leighanne had always wanted, that would make all of this so much easier. He continued to flip through the book reading a few names off every page before becoming frustrated and flipping the page to another page full of names.

Brian was off in his own little world and didn’t even notice when AJ entered the room. AJ shuffled into lounge tired and grouchy. He couldn’t sleep and needed something to drink to settle himself down enough so that he could try to get some sleep. He watched Brian from the kitchen flipping through page after page. Seeing him all curled up with a baby name book only cemented the fact that he was about to be a father.

AJ had to bite back tears at lunch watching him tell Howie about the baby. He hated seeing that much happiness on his face knowing he had no part in bringing it to the older man. The whole thing made him sick. It should have been him and Brian adopting a child together. He hated the fact that Brian and Leighanne were taking this step together. He tried but he couldn’t take his eyes off Brian. He looked so adorable all comfy on the couch, his curls wild from where he lay earlier watching the movies. AJ loved the fuzzy blue sweater he was currently wearing. It brought out the depths of blue in Brian’s eyes and made AJ weak in the knees. He would give everything he had up to be able to take Brian in his arms and make him understand how much he loved him, how much he’d always loved him.

He sat his glass of milk down a little harder than he had anticipated and the loud slam startled Brian out of his daze. He jerked up on the couch and moved his head from side to side trying to locate the source of the noise until his eyes landed on AJ. They softened and gave him a faint smile. AJ smiled back unable to look at anything else. He grabbed his milk and entered the lounge sitting at the edge of the couch furthest from Brian.

“Picked any names yet?” AJ asked hoarsely trying to get his voice to cooperate and not show how much pain that simple sentence caused him. This was going to be harder than he thought it would be.

Brian shook his head slowly. “This is hard. I don’t want to end up giving my child a complex.” Brian said frustrated.

AJ laughed softly. “Are you picking out the names yourself, or is Leighanne helping you?”

Brian closed his eyes. He hated lying to AJ, but he couldn’t handle telling him the truth, that his marriage was over. “Um, yeah I have to pick them out myself and I have no idea where to start. I don’t know what makes a good name. This is much harder than they make it out to be.”

AJ laughed and grabbed the book out of Brian’s hands causing their fingers to brush against each other in the exchange causing them both to move away quickly. AJ settled back into the couch and flipped through a couple pages. “You don’t need this thing. You’re a really creative person, just come up with something that means something to you. Something like your name. “He thought for a moment and continued to flip through the book before stopping and looking up. “Baylee. It’s like your name and Leigh’s name together somehow. “AJ said shrugging and handing the book back to Brian.

“Alex that’s perfect. I couldn’t have come up with anything half as good!” Brian said smiling widely. AJ tried to ignore how good it felt to have Brian calling him Alex again. He was hating and loving every moment of this. He was dying inside from the ache to be with this man. He wanted him, had missed him so badly that he wasn’t sure how he had made it so long without him.

Brian tried desperately to keep himself under control as he sat so closely to the man he’d been dreaming of as long as he could remember. “Thank you, Alex. It really means a lot that you would help me with this.” AJ nodded and looked away quickly, his eyes tearing up from looking into Brian’s eyes too closely. AJ wanted to say so many things to him, but didn’t know how or where to start.

“Would you like to watch a movie with me?” Brian asked innocently.

It was almost too much for AJ to handle. He wanted to run screaming from the room but the sweetness in Brian’s voice got the better of him.

“Sure Ang…Brian.” AJ said hastily, cursing himself for slipping back into the familiar nickname he had used for Brian. Brian blushed and looked away trying to find the DVD player remote. He knew it was a bad idea asking AJ to stay, but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want him to go. AJ left the couch momentarily to get another drink and grabbed a can of soda for Brian without thinking about it. He put both drinks down on the coffee table and settled back into the couch. He was surprised he didn’t feel more uncomfortable around Brian, but his love for the older man was to great to make him feel anything but love for him. They sat quietly watching whatever movie Nick had left in the DVD player. Neither one said a word to each other for fear that they would say something they would later regret.

AJ glanced over at Brian and saw he had fallen asleep curled awkwardly at the end of the couch. He sighed and pulled Brian closer to him trying to straighten the older man out on the couch. In his sleep Brian could easily be moved as he stayed dead to the world for most of the time. It made playing pranks pretty easy.

AJ pulled him into his arms and had to choke back tears as Brian wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist while he slept. He had missed this man so much he could hardly stand it anymore. He held Brian tightly to him and inhaled his scent. Holding him in his arms brought back so many memories he want have loved to have forgotten about.

He could hardly take being this close to him without kissing him. What would it hurt? Brian was asleep and would not even remember it ever happened. He thought for a moment before he leaned down and touched his lips gently to Brian’s chapped ones. AJ’s stomach did flip flops at the feeling. He felt Brian respond slowly and panicked before he realized Brian was still sleeping.

AJ pulled away and rested his forehead against Brian’s. There was no way in hell he could ever get this man out of his system. He could try all he wanted, but it would never work. He needed this man like he needed air. He just couldn’t have him. He knew he was leading Nick on and making Nick think he felt something for him that would never be there but he couldn’t help it. He just needed someone to spend time with. He needed love, acceptance and a warm body to sleep next too.

He held Brian tighter and tried to pretend how he would feel if Brian told him he loved him too. His world would finally be perfect and complete. But it wasn’t, Brian belonged to Leighanne and was about to be a father for god’s sake. He needed to get it together or he would end up embarrassing himself and making a bad situation worse.

He looked at Brian’s sleeping face. He looked so much like an angel. AJ leaned down and kissed his forehead detangling himself from his warm body. He needed to get away before he fell asleep or something to make this situation even worse. He tucked Brian in with the blanket on the back of the couch and stumbled back to the bunks. He hated sharing a bus with everyone. He would have loved to be able to cry in private. He managed to reach his bunk and collapse before the silent tears started to fall. He missed Brian more than he ever imagined possible. Somehow he would have to learn to deal with this, but not tonight. Tonight his heart was broken and there was nothing left to do but cry.


	21. Chapter 21

Brian woke up with a cramp in his neck and his cell phone ringing. He groaned as he sat up and rubbed his neck. How the hell did he manage to fall asleep like that? He glanced around the lounge and tried to figure out why he spent the night on the couch. He closed his eyes in pain before he realized his phone was still ringing. He dug around in his pocket for his phone and sighed in relief when he found it. That ringtone would be changed pronto. He glanced briefly at the screen and saw Leighanne’s number flashing across the screen. He quickly answered the phone and proceeded to stretch out on the couch in an attempt to get comfortable.

“Hey Leigh.” He said picking at the fabric of the couch. Who purchased this piece of shit furniture anyway? He proceeded to listen to Leighanne telling him of her week of pregnancy torture while still trying to figure out how the hell he had woken up on the couch. She must have noticed he had zoned out because he heard her softly calling his name.

“Brian, Brian, Are you paying attention to me?” She asked smiling into the phone.

“Of course sweetheart,” Brian said trying hard to pay attention.

“Bri, I went to the doctor this morning for a checkup and he confirmed the sex of the baby. I wasn’t sure whether or not this was something you wanted to know prior to the birth or not.”

Brian sat up straight on the couch. Did he want to know? Knowing would make all of this that much more real. He wasn’t sure what the right answer to this question was. He thought for a moment before nodding his head. He realized she couldn’t see him so he decided to speak. “Yeah, go ahead and tell me, Leigh.”

She laughed softly over the phone. God she missed him. She bit back her emotions and cleared her throat. She needed to get a grip. “It’s a boy!” She said proudly, knowing ultimately this would be what Brian wanted.

Brian jumped off the couch excitedly, causing Howie to yelp as he walked through the lounge. Howie glared at Brian for scaring him before he finished his short journey to the kitchen. Jesus Christ Brian almost gave him a heart attack.

“Are you sure Leigh?”

She giggled sweetly. “Yes Brian. He checked three times. It is mostly definitely a boy. I wasn’t going to tell you until I knew for absolute sure. Have you picked any names yet?” She asked. She would miss not being a part of her child’s life, but she knew well enough to know that he would be much better off in Brian’s hands than her own. She needed to get herself and her life together before she even thought about kids. It just wasn’t something she ever really wanted.

All at once everything from the night before hit Brian like a ton of bricks. AJ picking out his child’s name, the longing glances, the love he felt coursing through his veins at the closeness, and him, begging AJ to stay.

“Brian are you still there or did you zone out on me again?” Leighanne asked laughing. The entire line had gone silent and she had no idea what was going on with Brian. He just wasn’t focusing this morning.

“Yeah, I’m here Leigh. I did pick out a name, or well, AJ picked out a name.” He said breaking out of his trance and quickly explaining the situation to Leighanne. She was thrilled with the name, but warned him that it was becoming closer and closer for the baby and he could come any time in the next few weeks. They chatted along for a few more minutes before they hung up, leaving a smile on Brian’s face for the first time in a long time.

Brian entered the kitchen and sat down beside Howie who was currently engrossed in the newspaper. “How’s the wife?” Howie asked taking a sip of his coffee.

“I don’t have a wife, but Leighanne’s good.” Brian said before he could help himself.

Howie choked and spewed coffee all over the kitchen table. He coughed harshly, struggling to breath. Brian cracked up but got up and went to Howie’s side in an attempt to help his older friend.

“What the hell Brian!” Howie sputtered still trying to get his breathing under control. Brian shrugged and wondered to the fridge before reaching in and grabbing a can of soda. He sat on the opposite end of the table, careful not to get into the coffee backwash.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you. I just wasn’t really ready yet. Leighanne and I are getting a divorce.” Brian said playing with his can of soda and ignoring Howie’s gaze.

“What happened Brian?” Howie asked placing a hand on top of Brian’s. Brian stilled his movements and sighed before meeting Howie’s eyes. He shrugged. “We just grew apart. We’re not the same people we were when we got married, we both want different things. It was just time.”

They grew silent for a while allowing the information to hang in the air. “What about the baby Brian?” Howie asked looking at Brian carefully. Brian sighed again before looking away.

“She’s giving the baby to me to raise. She doesn’t want to be a mother. She gave me the option of raising the baby by myself or she would give it up for adoption and I just couldn’t do that. This is my son, I want him. I’m going to have a son, Howie.” Howie nodded unsure of what to do with all of this new information. He had no idea Brian was keeping these big of secrets away from him.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this. I want to tell everyone on my own time table.” Brian pleaded. Howie agreed and squeezed Brian’s hand in an attempt to let him know he was there before he went back to reading his newspaper. Brian got bored with staring at Howie’s newspaper covered face and decided a shower was in order. He just couldn’t wait to get off of this bus.

~*~

AJ laid in his bunk unwilling to come out. He could hear people awake and moving around the bus. He could only hope that no one dared to open his bunk curtain. He just wanted to be left the hell alone. He had felt like the last few weeks that he was, with Nick’s help, beginning to come out of his funk and being able to open himself up and move on. Then last night happened and it had all came crashing down around him as he realized that he was nowhere near over Brian and highly doubted he would ever be over him. He wanted nothing more than to take the older man into his arms and never let him go.

He wanted to be with Brian so badly it could make him cry. Fuck he had cried all evening long as soon as he had managed to get to his bunk he had cried himself to sleep and then had woken up with his eyes half swollen shut. He felt like there was no hope in moving on with his life. All it took was one look, one pleading look to bring all his hard work down. He didn’t want to be around anyone today. He just wanted to avoid everything that was going on and sleep.

He rubbed his hands over his tired eyes. This was going to be one long fucking tour with him wanting to jump Brian every other fucking day. He closed his eyes and rolled over facing the wall. Maybe more sleep would allow him to feel somewhat better when he awoke. He doubted it, but hell he could at least try.


	22. Chapter 22

Brian carried his bags to his room and was startled to see his hotel room door slightly open. Puzzled he slowly pushed the door open unsure of what he would find on the other side. He stepped into the hotel room peering around trying to figure out why the hell his door was open. His eyes fell upon the bathroom door. The light was on and he could hear someone inside.

His heart jumped in his throat and he glanced around quickly trying to find some type of object to protect himself but all he could find was a hardcover version of the Bible sitting on the desk by the door. He snatched it up in his hands and raised it over his head fully prepared to clobber whoever was on the other side of the bathroom door. The door opened quickly and he yelled as he charged towards the door with the Bible in hand. He ran smack into a hard body and stumbled backwards. He felt the Bible being ripped from his hands and a strong hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head and came face to face with his cousin.

“Kevin, what the fuck?” Brian yelled stepping back and walking into the main part of the suite.

“Don’t what the fuck me. I’ve heard of Bible thumping but that’s taking a little bit too far don’t you think Brian?” Kevin said crossing his arms.

Brian looked at Kevin closely. He looked…happy. “You scared the shit out of me. You weren’t supposed to be here. I find the door partially open and knew someone was in my room. I had no idea it was you. The Bible was the closest thing. I had to protect myself.” Brian said angrily.

“If you were so scared why didn’t you go get one of your body guards?” Kevin asked walking over and sitting beside Brian on the bed.

Brian thought for a moment before blushing. “I didn’t think of that.”

Kevin laughed and laid down across Brian’s bed. Brian followed suit and looked at Kevin closely. “What’s going on Kev?” He asked curiously.

“I’m back baby.” Kevin said breaking out into a wide grin. Brian looked at him carefully.

“Are you fucking serious?” Brian asked excitedly. “How did this happen?”

Kevin laughed, glad that Brian was alright with him coming back after he had left them high and dry when Kristen demanded he come home. “I caught Kristen cheating on me. That clearly violated our pre-nup and any other legal document she could try to throw at me. So I made up one of my own. I took the proof to my lawyer and spilled the whole story to him and he helped me come up with a plan. I had to pay her more than I wanted to but she had to grant me my divorce and if she ever went to the press with any information she would lose everything and be charged with slander. She was quite pissed with herself that she allowed herself to get caught.”

Brian looked at him amazed. He couldn’t believe that Kevin was back. “This is so great Kevin! The others will be thrilled.” He said smiling.

Kevin sighed. “I sure hope so…”Kevin said staring off into space for a moment. Brian hesitated but then decided he had to tell Kevin about Nick and AJ.

“You need to know something though Kev. Things are not always going to be pretty. I think Nick and Alex have something going on.” He said softly not meeting Kevin’s eyes.

Kevin though for a moment before he spoke. “Doesn’t matter to me. I never had him to begin with. I just want to be around him. I missed him so much. “

Brian nodded. “So how and why are you in my room?: Brian asked shoving Kevin’s shoulder gently. Kevin laughed.

“We’re rooming together until we get to the next city. They were not expecting me and there are no more available rooms. So surprise!” Kevin said laughing.

“Well you are one hell of a surprise Kevin.”Brian said smiling at his older cousin.

They were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone. “Hey Nick. Long time no see.” Brian said sarcastically. They had been off of the bus for less than an hour.

Nick laughed loudly. “Want to join us to get something to eat? D and J are coming too.”  
Brian thought about it before looking over at Kevin and smiling softly. “Sure. I’ll meet you down there. And by the way, I have a surprise for everyone.”

They quickly hung up and Brian grabbed his sweater out of his suitcase. Kevin kept staring at himself in the mirror and asking how he looked. Brian laughed and had to practically drag Kevin out of the hotel room. Once they reached the elevators Brian began to get excited. He knew the other guys were going to freak when they saw Kevin there with him. When they arrived to the first floor Brian quickly looked around for a place to stash Kevin until it was time for him to make an entrance.

“I’m not hiding Brian.” Kevin said laughing at Brian’s antics.

“It will be perfect though, please?” Brian pleaded.

Kevin nodded causing Brian to smile like a kid at Christmas. Brian motioned for Kevin to wait while he went to find the rest of the guys in the hotel restaurant. He spotted them quickly off to the side with a mass of body guards at the surrounding tables. Brian smiled and made his way over. Nick laughed loudly at something Howie said and smiled as he saw Brian come up to the table. He was so excited about what the surprise could be. He loved surprises. Brian smiled at the others and took his seat.

“Well, where’s the surprise?” Nick said looking at him curiously.

“I’m here to join you, isn’t that surprise enough?” Brian said teasing his best friend. He knew how impatient Nick could be. Nick glared at him .

“I thought there was a real surprise.” Nick said pouting. AJ laughed at the way Nick was behaving but he had to admit his curiosity had been peaked. He could tell Brian was hiding something. The twinkle behind his beautiful blue eyes was a dead giveaway. AJ hated that he could still read Brian like a book.

“Ok, I give up. There really is a surprise. “Brian said laughing slightly.

Nick yelped in excitement and anticipation. Brian made a motion with his left hand and smiled as the surprise slowly walked to the table. As Nick’s eyes landed on the god of a man in front of him he worried he would pass out. Howie and AJ jumped out of their seats and rushed forward to hug the older man. Brian chuckled as he watch Nick sit stunned.

“You alright Nicky?” Brian asked softly.

Nick opened his mouth to answer but could not make a sound come out. He closed and opened his mouth several times before he finally spoke. Brian watched in amazement. He laid a hand on his best friend’s shoulder for support.

“He’s back for good. This is real Nicky.” Nick sighed and felt his eyes fill with tears as he drank in the man before him.

“Hey Nicky.” Kevin said reaching out a hand to shake. Nick stood up tentatively at first before he sprang forward wrapping his arms tightly around the older man. Kevin buried his face in Nick’s neck inhaling the scent that was purely Nick. He felt Nick shake slightly and rubbed his hand in small circles on the boy’s back to sooth him.

“I missed you, “Nick whispered hoarsely into the embrace trying not to sob like a little girl. Kevin held him tighter. “I missed you too Nicky.”

They stood that way in their own world oblivious to the stares and awkward looks from the other men. They finally pulled apart and joined the others at the table. They quickly fell into an easy conversation with Kevin explaining how he had caught Kristen cheating on him.

AJ sat in amazement as he watched Nick interact with Kevin. Ever since Nick had told him how he felt about the older man AJ couldn’t even imagine it, but right then after being reunited he could see the love and admiration plainly in the younger man's eyes. If the wasn't mistaken however he could see the same thing in Kevin's as well. He made a mental note to watch it and see how Nick acted when they were alone. It felt good. The five of them together again. They needed their fifth member.


	23. Chapter 23

Later that night AJ found himself alone in his hotel room. They had all split up after lunch and AJ had opted to return to his hotel room to watch movies and relax. Nick on the other hand had left as soon as the other guys had left the table, not even bothering to tell AJ where he was going. Whatever, not like he was Nick’s keeper anyway.

AJ sat quietly on the hotel room bed checking his messages. Nothing from Nick so far. It had been quite the eventful day. AJ couldn’t believe Kevin had come back. It felt good to have them all reunited again. He had forgotten how much he had missed the older man until he stepped into the cafe. This was one of the most exciting surprises they could have gotten. He shook his head. Nick was a mess. He had barely spoken a word all through lunch and AJ could tell he was shaking as they sat there making small talk. He could tell that Kevin’s return had really shaken Nick.

AJ sighed and threw himself back on the bed. He stared at the ceiling and tried to calm his thoughts. He knew whatever was going on between him and Nick was never going to work. If he had been asked yesterday he could honesty admit that there was something between them, something that could really work. After last night with Brian and seeing Nick react so strongly to Kevin just showed that they were both too hung up on other people to have something healthy together, and AJ was tired of unhealthy relationships. It wasn’t fair but he didn’t know how to explain this to Nick without having to admit to his feelings for Brian. He just didn’t want Nick to know. They were none of Nick’s business anyway. He wanted to keep his feelings for Brian protected, not exposed for the world to see and mock him and he knew that’s exactly what would happen if Nick knew.

AJ jumped as he heard the door slam open and hit the wall with force. Nick stumbled in barely able to stand on his own two legs. AJ could smell the alcohol as soon as Nick entered the room. It filled the air and made AJ feel like he was suffocating. It turned his stomach and he wanted nothing more than to bolt from the room and get away from the smell. Nick staggered towards the bed and plopped down beside AJ. He tried to hug the older man but AJ would have none of it. He tried his hardest to push Nick away from him but the blonde was much bigger and stronger than he was. Nick moved closer to AJ and dropped an alcohol laced kiss on his mouth making AJ squirm and scared as he continued to push the heavier man off of him. Nick was stronger than AJ any day, but when he was drunk he was like dead weight that refused to move.

Nick chuckled and continued his hold on the other man. AJ was beginning to get pissed off. He couldn’t believe Nick had went out and gotten smashed. This only cemented in his mind that they would never work. Kevin had only been back for less than a day and it had already begun to throw Nick off the deep end. AJ couldn’t remember the last time he saw Nick this drunk and out of it. There was no way that Nick could feel anything for him and still manage to get this worked up the night Kevin returns.

AJ thought for a moment and using all of the strength that he could summon he managed to shove Nick off of him and on to the cold hard floor. He fell with a loud thud and shot AJ a dirty look. “What the fuck did you do that for J?” he demanded from his place on the floor.

AJ jumped off the bed and began pacing the room in an attempt to keep his anger under control. He wanted to hit Nick in the face and if he didn’t calm down he was afraid he would do just that. That would be interesting trying to explain why Nick’s face would be bruised. He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes at Nick’s actions.

Nick jumped off the floor uncoordinatedly with limbs everywhere while trying to steady himself. He stood in AJ’s face seething with anger. He glared at the older man before shoving him slightly causing AJ to stumble backwards and hit the wall.

AJ snapped and shoved Nick back twice as hard sending Nick crashing back to the floor.

“Whatever we had here is done. I’m not putting up with this shit from you. You will not treat me like some little bitch, like your own personal punching bag. You need to get yourself under control before you really piss me off. I should have known that Kevin coming back here would make things hard and this would end, but I fooled myself into thinking you actually cared. In reality all you care about is yourself. That’s very apparent from your actions tonight. I won’t deal with this. I will not hang around here while you decide to treat me like shit too.” AJ managed to shout at the blonde before spinning on his heel and leaving the room.

He slammed Nick’s hotel room door as he left desperately trying to control his anger. He needed a drink. Fuck. That’s all he could think about. He needed the sweet release that he could only find in alcohol. He was done with that though. He couldn’t have that anymore. He needed to figure out a less destructive way to calm down before he put his fist through a wall. He slumped against the wall and tried to get himself to calm down. He thought for a moment before he came up with a plan. Maybe he could work off some of his anger and aggression. He was sure the hotel had a weight room, plus no one would look for him down there. He could finally have some privacy. He checked his pockets for his room key and set off towards the stairs. This was going to be a long night.


	24. Chapter 24

Weeks had passed since Kevin had rejoined the remaining band mates and they easily fell back into the old routines they had had for the last fifteen years. Kevin regained his rightful status as ringleader and the rest of the guys had fallen right in line beside him. This is the way it was supposed to be. They needed their fifth member to be whole.

AJ and Nick had barely spoken since the night in AJ’s hotel room. AJ was still mad and was having trouble not wanting to rip Nick’s face off every time the younger man pissed him off. Instead he swallowed his anger and tried to pretend he wasn’t as angry as he really was.

They sat silently watching television in the lounge area of their bus. The two still had to share a bus however so they played nice when it was required. Most of their bus rides consisted of tense silences and angry looks passed between them. Nick knew he had fucked up and wanted to make it up to the older man but knew how well AJ liked to hold grudges. Nick knew things were strained and highly doubted they would return to normal anytime soon.

He knew he shouldn’t have gotten so drunk that night, but seeing Kevin again, after all of that time, was hard for him to deal with. All it took was Kevin walking into the cafe before all of the old feelings he had tucked away sprang forth and threatened to consume him. He couldn’t explain his reasons. He knew AJ would never listen but he was sorry. He had sincerely enjoyed the time that they had spent together. He liked the older man, even found him incredibly attractive, but he knew he would never want a real relationship with him.

He felt bad because he felt like he had led AJ on in a way by initiating the intimate contact between the two of them. He thought that maybe he could try to feel something more for AJ, but then Kevin came back and it made Nick painfully aware that his heart would always belong to the older man. He wanted so desperately to help AJ overcome whatever it was that kept him so tore up all of the time but then he had went and made it all worse. He really hated himself sometimes.

The two were brought out of their thoughts by the loud noise of the bus door swinging open. Brian tumbled in carrying his suitcases smiling sheepishly. Nick laughed and went to help him get on the bus. “What are you doing here Frick?” Nick asked, relieved for some sort of distraction from the silence.

Nick helped drag Brian’s bags to the lounge area while Brian made himself comfy in a chair across from AJ as Nick sat back down on the couch. “With Kevin back they wanted to go over management stuff with him and Howie. They asked if I could room with you guys for a little while. I hope you don’t mind.” Brian said looking at the two of them shyly.

He was really nervous about being on this bus. He tried to make Kevin let him stay but had been banished to the other bus anyway. He was really anxious about being on a bus with AJ for so long. This would not end well.

Nick smiled widely suddenly thrilled. “It’s great to have you man. If you don’t mind though, I am exhausted and I’m going to go to bed. See you both in the morning.” Nick said before excusing himself to the bedroom at the back of the bus.

AJ and Brian looked at each other silently both aware of the tension of this entire situation. AJ looked away first and got up to get something to drink. He couldn’t handle being alone in the lounge with Brian any longer. He had no idea how he was supposed to keep his sanity on this bus. There was no way he was going to last without losing his mind. Brian sighed heavily into the empty room and decided that sleep was probably his best option. He got up and dragged his bags back to the bunk area. He stripped to his boxers and climbed into an empty bunk. He stared at the wall and moved from one side to the other before finding a comfortable spot and falling into a fitful sleep as the rest of the bus fell quiet.

AJ was thankful to be alone as he reentered the lounge. He decided his best bet would be to sleep on the couch. He wasn’t really sure of any other options. He couldn’t sleep in the bunks that close to Brian and he did not feel comfortable sleeping in the bedroom with Nick. He turned on the tv and settled back into the couch preparing himself for a night of late night talk shows.

He had just gotten settled and comfortable when he heard a cell phone ring. Checking to see that it wasn’t his he went back to whatever talk show he had previously selected. He sat munching his popcorn when he heard a loud crash coming from the bunk area. Concerned that Brian had rolled off the damn thing, he got up and wondered back there to check on him. He pulled back the curtain separating the bunks from the lounge and came face to face with a visibly upset Brian.

“What’s wrong Angel?” AJ said letting the endearment slip. He couldn’t ever remember a time when he saw Brian looking how he looked right now. It scared AJ to see Brian so upset.

Brian stared babbling mot making any sense or able to string any type of sentence together. He kept trying to shove his legs in his jeans while standing and was getting nothing accomplished but falling all over the place. AJ grabbed Brian by the shoulders and forced him to look him in the eyes.

“What’s going on?” AJ insisted.

That’s all it took for Brian to begin to cry. AJ felt his heart break and had no idea what to do besides take the older man into his arms as he continued to break down. Brian gripped onto him tightly and cried while still blubbering trying to talk to AJ. AJ continued to hold him and softly kiss the top of his head trying to get him to calm down so he could understand what was even going on. He whispered soft, soothing words trying to ease the other man. Brian finally calmed down and pulled away from AJ’s embrace. He coughed and wiped his face, trying to steady his breathing. He sat on the edge of a bunk and managed to successfully pull on his jeans. He remained silent for a few moments longer before he spoke.

“Leighanne was taken to the hospital a little while ago. She collapsed while at her mother’s house and they had to call an ambulance. They had to go ahead and do a caesarean for fear that the fall could have harmed the baby. “Brian managed to get out before dissolving into sobs again.

“I have no idea what’s going on. All I had was a rushed message from Leighanne’s mother. I have no idea how either one of them are and Alex, what if something happens to the baby.” Brian cried out.

AJ didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t really been involved with this part of Brian’s life. “I have to get there. I have to be there for my baby.” Brian said grabbing AJ’s arm and making him look at him. AJ nodded and made a move to go back to the lounge before Brian pulled on his arm harder.

“Where are you going? Please don’t leave me.” Brian demanded.

AJ turned and looked at Brian before he spoke. He was falling apart right in front of him. He felt horrible and scared at the same time. He prayed that everything would be ok until they could get to the hospital.

“You have to go with me. I can’t go alone. Please” Brian pleaded, his eyes filling with tears once again.

AJ was stunned that Brian was reaching out to him this way. He figured he would have wanted AJ to have nothing to do with this part of his life but here he was begging for him to go with him to the hospital. Brian needed him. He couldn’t let him go alone. He could barely keep it together now. Regardless of how much it would hurt him to go with Brian to the hospital to see his child being born, he knew he could not say no to the other man. Especially when he looked at him in that pleading way. AJ nodded and pulled Brian to him closely, knowing Brian really needed a hug. Brian fell nicely into his embrace and calmed instantly by being so close to AJ. Brian couldn’t believe he had actually convinced AJ to go with him.

AJ tried hard to keep himself in check. He had to remember that Brian was on his way to the hospital to meet his wife and son. Brian was scared, that was the only reason that he was reaching out to him in this manner. He could feel himself beginning to get sucked in. It felt so good to be needed by Brian. It felt good to hold him closely in his arms again. AJ smoothed back Brian’s hair gently and pulled away.

“I’m going to go have the bus driver pull over. I’ll call a cab and have it meet us at the rest stop and we’ll get out of here ok?” AJ asked leaning his forehead gently against Brian’s. Brian closed his eyes and nodded.

AJ regretfully pulled away and went to tell the bus driver of their emergency. Once that was done he called a cab and told them when to pick them up at. AJ found Brian on the couch in the lounge finally fully dressed.

“Everything is taken care of Angel. We’ll be there soon.” AJ said sitting down beside him gently.

“Nick’s asleep; maybe we should leave him a note. I don’t want to wake him, he’ll freak out. I can’t deal with is stress too right now,” Brian said leaning against AJ for support. He had no control over his body any longer.

His main focus was getting to the hospital as quickly as possible. Self consciously, he was thrilled that it was AJ there with him now. Brian laced his fingers with AJ’s as he allowed his tears to fall. He couldn’t remember a time when he had felt more scared than he did right now. If he had it figured out in his mind correctly it would only take them a little more than an hour by cab to get to the hospital. Brian clung to AJ as they waited for the bus to pull to a stop. Finally after what felt like an eternity the bus slowed and pulled into the rest stop where the cab was already waiting.

AJ threw a quick note to Nick onto the coffee table and helped Brian down off of the bus and into the cab. Once inside the cab Brian curled up around AJ, still never letting go of his hand. AJ was thrilled he could provide Brian some sort of solace. He only prayed everything wouldn’t fall apart once they got to the hospital.


	25. Chapter 25

The ride to the hospital seemed to last for an eternity. Every time he thought they were getting closer they only ended up in another traffic jam. It was nerve racking and Brian was unsure of how much more he could take. His mind swarm with so many thoughts and emotions. He was worried, beyond worried. The phone call he had received had been clipped and short without much information. He could barely wrap his mind around what was going on. All he knew was that Leighanne had collapsed moving from the kitchen into the living room. They couldn’t figure out what would have made her collapse and her mother panicked and called an ambulance. Brian thanked God that at least Leighanne hadn’t been alone. What if something happened? He was just getting used to the idea of being a father, he couldn’t have it all taken away from him now. He wanted this baby more than he had even initially realized. He couldn’t wait to meet his son.

After awhile the cab pulled up in front of the hospital. Brian jumped from his seat and practically dragged AJ out of the car. AJ laughed softly and made Brian stop long enough so he could pay the cab driver. Once inside the hospital Brian latched on to his hand and would not let go. They followed the signs around the lobby and set off towards the prenatal floor. AJ spotted a nurses station to his right and pulled Brian over towards it.

“Hello darlin’. My name is AJ McLean and my friend’s wife was brought in a little bit ago and we would like some information on her condition and when we can see her. Her name is Leighanne Littrell” AJ said taking charge and pulling Brian close to him.

The nurse blushed and looked down at the computer typing the name into the computer. After a few moments she pointed down a long hallway. “She’s in room 8701 sir.” She said smiling.

AJ winked at her and pulled Brian towards the hallway. They wandered up and down until they got the hang of the number scheme. Finally they found Leighanne’s room. AJ smiled reassuringly at Brian and ushered him into the room, content with waiting in the hallway. Brian on the other hand would have none of it. Brian looked AJ in the eyes with the innocence of a little boy. “Alex, please come with me.” He whispered softly.

AJ’s heart broke at the simple words that slipped from Brian’s mouth. He nodded and followed Brian into the room. He could have kicked himself for being so stupid. He couldn’t believe that he had agreed to come in here. Leighanne laid peacefully in the middle of the room hooked up to all kinds of machines that beeped and hummed, bathing the room in soft noise. AJ felt very uncomfortable. He wasn’t supposed to be here. This was time for Brian and Leighanne. He wanted nothing more than to step outside and leave them alone. Before he could make a getaway however the door opened and the doctor stepped in. He smiled as he realized the two men were in the room as well.

“I’m assuming one of you is Brian?” The doctor said scanning Leighanne’s chart quickly before checking her vitals.

Brian nodded and cleared his throat. “I am sir. How is she?” He asked suddenly finding his voice. He squeezed AJ’s hand for reassurance. AJ squeezed back trying to let Brian know he was there.

“Well she suffered a nasty fall so there will be bruises and scraped from that, but she’ll be fine. The main concern was the baby however. It’s never a good thing for a mother to fall that late in a pregnancy. That’s why we made the decision to go ahead with the c-section.” The doctor said writing something down on Leighanne’s chart. “Congratulations Mr. Littrell, you have a son. He’s breathing mostly on his own and he doesn’t seem to be in any danger. As long as everything progresses at a normal rate you’ll be able to take him home in a few days.”

Brian fell back into AJ after hearing the good news. He had been so scared. He felt all the energy and tension leave his body. A boy. He was now a father. He had a baby boy, and he was alright. “When can I see him?” Brian asked, his eyes lighting up.

The doctor smiled. “Anytime you’d like. He’s down in the nursery. Just give them your name at the door and they will let you in. We will be bringing him back to his mother for a feeding in a while so you may want to go down there soon. She should be awakening shortly.” The doctor shook both of their hands and let himself out of the room.

Brian looked at AJ with relief and gratitude before burying his head in AJ’s chest. AJ pulled his arms around Brian and held him tightly to him. They embraced, both thrilled that everything turned out alright. They stood like that for a few moments before Brian shifted and hid his face in AJ’s neck, inhaling the scent that was strictly AJ. “Alex, I don’t even know how to thank you for being here with me.” AJ smiled and shushed him softly. He pulled Brian closer and closed his eyes trying to relish the last moments he could pretend Brian would one day be his. After a few moments they pulled apart regretfully. “Want to go down to the nursery with me?” Brian asked softly, his eyes pleading.

AJ could never say no to that face. He nodded with a small smile on his face. Brian smiled wider and walked over to Leighanne’s bed. AJ looked away as Brian leaned down and kissed Leighanne on the forehead. He was going to have to calm himself down before he made a scene at the hospital. He wanted to tear the walls down at the image of them together. It just wasn’t fair.

Brian turned and smiled at AJ before taking his hand again and leading him out of the room. He smiled to himself as AJ didn’t resist or try to pull away. They found their way to the nursery fairly easily. The screaming and crying made it easier to locate than the individual hospital rooms. Brian could only hope that his son wouldn’t constantly be screaming that loud. Once they reached the nursery they had to wait to enter. They were given clean suits to put on and quickly pulled them on over their street clothes.

The nurse stopped them before they went any further. “We need a name sir. The mother said you were the one deciding. Do you have the name prepared at this time?” She asked looking the two men over.

Brian smiled and nodded his head. “Baylee James Littrell is his name.” Brian said beaming at the nurse. AJ did a double take. He was prepared for the first name, but there was no way that Brian just gave his son his own middle name. AJ looked at Brian curiously. Brian smiled back. “What? You came up with his first name. It was only fitting that he have his uncle Alex’s middle name as well.” AJ was still in a state of shock. He couldn’t believe Brian would do that. It made his heart fill with love for the older man and he had to bite back the tears that quickly filled his eyes. It really touched him that Brian would do that.

They were directed to the correct bassinet and watched as the nurse slide the name plate in the front before leaning down and pulling the soft bundle out of the crib. She smiled as she walked over to the two men and placed the baby in his father’s arms. “This is your son.” She said smiling before stepping away to give the two men some privacy.

Brian stared down in wonder at the baby cradled in his arms. This was it. This baby was his life. He couldn’t believe he had a hand in creating something so tiny, so precious. He smiled down in awe at the perfect little boy. He lightly ran his finger over the baby’s cheek and the rest of his features. He was beautiful. Baylee slept quietly and didn’t acknowledge his father’s touch. Brian looked at AJ with tears in his eyes. AJ smiled back and shuffled back and forth slowly. “Do you want to hold him?” Brian asked catching AJ off guard. He had not anticipated holding the baby. He had to admit thought that he wanted to. He nodded slowly and gently took him out of Brian’s arms.

AJ felt the breath catch in his throat. He stared down at the baby and was struck by how much the small child already resembled his father. Baylee was soft and warm and lying there in his arms AJ felt his world end. He had to blink several times to stop the tears from falling onto the precious baby. There was no way AJ would ever be able to be without Brian, but holding his son, somehow made it a little easier to handle. The baby was a splitting image of the man he loved more than life itself. He rocked Baylee softly in his arms not wanting to ever let go. Brian watched quietly a few feet away finally allowing a few tears to fall. Seeing the man he loved his whole life holding his newborn son made his heart ache with love and longing. He wanted nothing more than to pour his heart out to AJ and beg him to let the three of them be a family, but he knew that could never happen. He couldn’t believe how much love he felt inside of him at that moment, not only for AJ but for his son as well. He only wished he could make AJ love him too.

Brian was startled out of his thoughts as the nurse came back into to take Baylee back. She took him from AJ and quietly led them back to Leighanne’s room. Brian was pleased to see she was sitting up and looked well as they walked in. She was leaning against a pile of pillows and smiled as Brian walked into the room. Her smile grew even wider as AJ filed in behind him. She glanced at Brian with her eyebrows raised but he blushed and avoided her gaze. Brian sat on the end of Leighanne’s bed while AJ stood at the foot awkwardly.

“Hello AJ,” She said smiling up at him.

“Hey Leigh.” He said uncomfortable giving her a little wave. He watched sadly as Brian leaned over and embraced her.

“I’m so glad he’s ok! I was so worried. “ She said leaning into Brian. Brian hugged her tightly. “I’m so glad your both ok. You scared the shit out of me.”

AJ watched in anguish. He couldn’t handle being in this room anymore. “Hey guys, I’m going to step out into the waiting room and give you two some privacy. I’ll be out here if you need me.”

Brian nodded and watched sadly as AJ left the room. He pulled a chair up close to Leighanne’s bed as she began to feed Baylee. “So how did this happen?” she asked innocently.

Brian blushed and looked away again. “It’s nothing really. I was really upset when I got the call from your mom and he came with me. I was so glad he was here. I don’t think I could have kept it together without him. He was just being nice though.” Brian said brushing it off. “I’m so glad your both alright.” Brian said smiling at the two of them.

She sighed. “I’m really glad we’re doing this. You’re going to make an amazing father. I’m not ready for a baby. I just want to know that you’re going to be ok.” She said looking at him curiously.

“It’s going to be hard, but I know I can handle it. I really want this Leigh.” Brian said smiling before he leaned down and kissed the top of his son’s head.


	26. Chapter 26

AJ collapsed exhausted in one of the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room. He sighed heavily and ran his hands over his haggard face. This had been an a rough couple of hours and his emotions were all over the place. There was a certain emotion he felt knowing he had been the first to see and hold Brian’s son, even before Leighanne, and it made him feel more special then he could ever remember feeling. He has never imagined the evening would turn out like this when he had settled into the couch. He kept thanking God that he had been the one with Brian when he got the call to come. He liked feeling important, needed. This was one of the first times Brian had reached out to him in such a needy way and it almost took his breath away.

He heard a noise and looked up to see the rest of the guys barreling down the hallway. He groaned softly and rolled his eyes before getting up to meet them at the waiting room door. “What are you guys doing here?” he asked, not yet ready to let them in on his precious time with Brian yet. He could not deny how good it felt to be the only one at the hospital with Brian. He just wanted to hold on to this feeling for a little longer.

“I’ve left you like twenty messages J. You should have called and stopped all the buses and not just run off where no one knows what’s going on or how to get a hold of you. I can’t believe you didn’t even wake Nick up. You just threw a note on the table and bailed. It would have been nice to know if my cousin was alright.” Kevin said glaring at him.

AJ narrowed his eyes and had to fight himself not to lose his cool. “I’m sorry Kevin that I didn’t come running to you the moment something happened. My main concern was Brian and making sure he got here safe and as quickly as possible. So fuck off and shut your damn mouth, you don’t always have to be the one in control. Everything is fine.” AJ said crossing his arms over his chest.

He wasn’t afraid of Kevin like he used to be. There was no reason for Kevin to treat him like shit just because he didn’t do things the way that Kevin wanted them done. He needed to pull the anal retentive stick out of his ass and realize that they didn’t always need him to take care of their problems; sometimes they could handle them perfectly well on their own.

Kevin kept his mouth shut and pushed passed AJ to get to the nurses desk. Howie followed wide eyed behind him. AJ knew he had shocked them all by standing up to Kevin, but he was tired and emotionally drained and didn’t want to deal with the other man’s shit right now. AJ faced Nick unsure of what to say to the younger man.

“You alright J?” Nick asked cocking his head to one side. AJ nodded and moved out of the doorway so Nick could actually enter the room. Nick gave him a weak smile and then followed the path the others had went to find Brian and Leighanne.

AJ sank down into a chair again. He felt like he had just run a marathon. He couldn’t seem to make his heart quit beating so fast and he tried a couple deep breaths to calm down. Seeing Brian with Leighanne, and them holding their son had damn near broken his heart. Somehow in his mind he had never actually envisioned this day coming to pass. He had never prepared himself to see Brian with a son, a son with Leighanne. He had to force the tears away and he tried his hardest to keep from getting upset. This was supposed to be a happy day, Brian’s happy day. Even if his heart was broken, he could never ruin this day for him.

He glanced up as he saw Nick reenter the waiting room. He threw himself down on the chair beside AJ’s even thought the chair was too small for his tall frame. “Babies aren’t very cute or fun when they are first born are they?” Nick asked scrunching up his face.

AJ managed a small laugh and looked away from where Nick sat. He just wanted to be left alone to wallow in peace, was that too much to ask? Apparently it was. Nick watched AJ carefully. He could see the range of emotions playing over the older man’s face and had to control the small gasp from slipping out as he watched the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.

AJ rolled his eyes. Apparently Nick wasn’t going to be leaving anytime soon. “Baylee’s a pretty lucky kid. He’s going to have amazing parents.” AJ offered up softly. He wasn’t sure what Nick wanted him to say.

Nick nodded and looked towards the hallway. “Do you want to go back in there?” He offered gently. AJ shook his head, rather violently. “I’ll just wait out here. It’s their time together. I don’t want to intrude in any of that.”

Nick nodded and it grew silent again. The silence was beginning to drive Nick insane. “You’re in love with him aren’t you?” Nick asked after what seemed like hours.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” AJ asked turning to face him.

Nick pushed himself up off the chair and crossed the room. He nodded and looked straight into AJ’s eyes. “It all makes sense. The way you get all quiet and sullen when Brian’s with us or when someone mentions him. The way you look like your dying every time Leighanne’s around. I can’t believe I never realized this before.”

AJ looked away from Nick’s gaze, finding it very difficult to look at the other man. He wasn’t sure how to respond to Nick’s accusations. He figured honesty was his best option but wasn’t sure he could handle it if Nick went running his mouth. He shook his head. “Yes,” He managed softly.

Nick laughed harshly from across the room. “All this time I’ve spent trying to help you feel better so you wouldn’t be so sad and down on yourself and all this time you’ve been pinning over Brian. That’s fucking rich J. You can’t have Frick so you’ll settle for Frack. Did you ever even plan on fucking telling me or where you going to continue to allow me to get involved with you while all you wanted was my best friend.” Nick sneered at him.

AJ jumped up as well. Nick knew all the buttons to push to piss him off beyond belief. “What the fuck Nick. It was none of your fucking business so I never fucking felt the need to tell you. And don’t start that self righteous shit on me. You were the god damn one pinning over Kevin and crying because he was gone. The moment he fucking showed back up here it threw you through such a fucking loop that you got drunk and tried to take me on so don’t act like you were mister innocent in all of this either. Maybe I should have told you, oh fucking well, but you were doing the same shit to me so shut you fucking mouth. You know as well as I do that the moment he asked you to jump you would be begging him to tell you how high so you have no right to say anything to me.”

Nick turned and looked at him stunned. He couldn’t believe he had brought Kevin into this. Kevin had nothing to do with this.

“It never fucking mattered Nick.” AJ said beginning to lose the fight he was having, not only with Nick but with himself. “He didn’t want me. He has a wife and a fucking child. He has everything he needs to be happy. So I have to learn to deal with it and get over it. So I’m sorry if I wasn’t sunshine and fucking roses all the time and you were the one stuck having to deal with me.” AJ dropped back into the chair more exhausted then he ever could remember being.

Nick glared at the other man, but could feel his heart soften. They were just two men desperately in love with two cousins who had used each other as a way to get over their own loneliness. He felt his eyes tear up looking at the broken man before him. He could tell how much this entire thing was hurting AJ, and even though he was still pissed at the other man, he wanted nothing more than to take all of his pain away. “You’re wrong you know.” Nick said softly catching AJ’s attention. “They’re not the perfect little family.”

AJ wiped the unshed tears from his tired eyes.”What?” He asked confused.

“They are getting divorced.” Nick said coming closer and sitting in a chair across from AJ.

AJ laughed bitterly. “Yeah right. Brian would never dream of leaving her now that they have a child together.” AJ said turning in his chair and facing the window. He needed to get the hell out of this hospital. Nick could really fuck with a person’s mind sometimes.

“They already signed the papers. They are just waiting on the finalization. Leighanne is signing over her custody rights to Brian. She doesn’t want a baby. Brian is going to raise Baylee himself. Why do you think he’s been doing so much and freaking out and trying to make sure he has everything right?” Nick said trying to make AJ understand.

“Whatever man. I’m not going to sit around here and hash this out with you all day. I’m exhausted and on edge and I really want a fucking drink so please just give me some space. “ AJ said walking away from him.

Nick nodded and pushed himself out of the chair. He turned and watched AJ pacing quietly in the corner before shaking his head. He wasn’t sure if he did the right thing or not by telling him. It wasn’t like AJ actually believed him anyway. At least he had tried to make it better. What AJ did with the information was up to him.


	27. Chapter 27

AJ quietly stepped into the dimly lit hospital room. He had to blink a couple times to get his eyes used to the lack of light but once he could see he looked around at the occupants. Leighanne was sound asleep on the bed and Brian was stretched out on the uncomfortable hospital chairs clutching the tiny bundle of baby in his arms. He was sound asleep, snoring lightly. AJ smiled at the sight. He crept closer as not to wake anyone and looked down at Baylee. Baylee lay quietly in his father’s arms, but remained awake. AJ gently lifted the soft bundle out of Brian’s arms and pulled Baylee close to his chest. He walked through the room to the other side where a rocking chair sat. He sat down silently and quickly got accustomed to the right way to hold a baby close. Baylee stared up at him content to just lying in AJ’s arms.

The beautiful baby took his breath away. He had never before seen something so beautiful, so precious. He knew without a doubt that Baylee had already stolen his heart. He pushed back against the chair and began rocking the baby softly. “Hey little one. I’m your uncle Alex” he said softly kissing the baby’s cheek. He rocked them back and forth, his heart swelling with love. He had no idea he could feel love like this for someone else’s child, but he did. They stayed that way for a while, rocking and looking at each other.

“You’re really lucky, you know that? You have the best daddy in the whole wide world.” AJ whispered pulling him closer and kissing him again. He had never considered himself a baby person, but he could hold Baylee all day and never grow tired. He never wanted to let go. Baylee’s breathing settled letting AJ know he had fallen asleep, but AJ continued to rock them back and forth.

~*~

Brian awoke a short time later, startled that Baylee was not in his arms. He knew he had been holding him when he dozed off but now he had no idea where he was. He looked around quickly until his eyes fell on AJ rocking his son in the corner. He sighed in relief that he hadn’t been totally irresponsible with his son. He climbed out of the chair and stretched painfully. The hard chairs were not something to be slept in. He walked closer to where AJ and Baylee were sitting and stopped when he heard AJ gently singing. He loved to hear AJ sing, especially when he thought no one else was listening. He felt his heart fill with love at the sight before him. He loved those two more than anything in the world. He couldn’t believe how easy it was between them all day. AJ had really stepped up and been the rock Brian had needed. It thrilled him and made him feel worse about himself all at the same time. He could not understand how he ever treated AJ the way he did and he hated himself for it more and more each day. It made him sick to think about. He deserved to be alone and miserable

He looked at Leighanne sleeping soundly in the hospital bed. He wished he could feel the love for her that he had convinced himself that he felt. He knew she still loved him, but he just couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried he would never love her the way he loved AJ. He walked closer and smiled as he recognized their lyrics slipping softly out of AJ’s mouth.

“Hey, “Brian said gently, pulling up a chair beside AJ. Brian lightly ran his finger across Baylee’s cheek, still amazed by the small child. “Hey,” AJ said looking up into the blue eyes he loved so much. He looked back at the baby trying to force the tears away. Brian reached out and touched AJ’s hand softly. “That’s for everything today.” Brian said softly. AJ nodded. “He’s beautiful Bri. You two are very lucky.” Brian looked away. He knew he had to tell AJ the truth. He at least owed him that much.

“Leighanne and I are getting divorced. Baylee’s going to stay with me. “Brian said looking down at his son to avoid AJ’s gaze. AJ felt the air catch in his lungs. Nick hadn’t been fucking with him, it really was true. He sat stunned, unsure of how to respond. He felt like he was drowning. Brian being married he could handle, Brian being single and still not wanting him, he could not. “I’m sorry Brian.” AJ said trying hard to keep the emotions out of his voice. Brian nodded and smiled. “It was really for the best.” He said catching AJ’s eye.

They looked at each other closely. So many things they both wanted and needed to say, so many emotions, so much pain. Before they could do anything however, they were interrupted by the hospital door opening and Nick and Howie stepping inside the room. AJ cursed silently, knowing Brian had been on the verge of saying something, anything. They two men turned to see the others walking towards them.

Nick looked at AJ curiously but he looked away, praying Nick wouldn’t try to start something. Nick kept his mouth shut and took a seat on the floor next to Howie. He continued to stare, trying to figure out what they had almost walked in on. "How's it going in here guys?" Howie asked, stretching out on the floor.

Brian smiled briefly at his son and AJ before turning to look at Howie. AJ pulled Baylee closer to his chest, determined to keep him for as long as he could. "It's great. AJ held Baylee so I could take a nap and then he rocked him to sleep. You better watch out, I think he's going to give you a run for your money for favorite uncle!" Brian said smiling cheekily. AJ smiled softly a light blush tinting his cheeks. Nick watched the interaction between the two men curiously, wondering for the first time if AJ's feelings were in fact returned.

Silence set on the foursome for a moment before Howie cleared his throat and met Brian's eyes. "So I have to ask. How's this going to work while we are touring?" Howie hated bringing it up, but they had barely anytime to prepare for Baylee's birth and the sooner they got this all settled, the sooner they could all move on. Brian sighed and looked at his fellow band mates. He knew this would probably cause some difficulties. He knew no one would be willing to ride with Baylee.

"Well I need to hire a nanny to take care of Baylee when I can't be there, like for the concerts and interviews and such, but other than that I want to do this myself. I don't want some stranger raising my child. I want to do this myself." Brian said determinedly.

"Where are your parents?" Nick asked finally noticing that the grandparents hadn't arrived yet. Brian chuckled. "Sometime today. Kevin called them earlier. They were so pissed that I hadn't called them as soon as I found out. Oh well." He smiled sheepishly.

"Way to go Brian!" Nick said laughing and pushing Brian's shoulder softly.

"What about the buses? Are we going to go back to having individual buses or how is this going to work? I don't want to sleep with a screaming baby." Nick said laughing, bringing the conversation back to the forefront. They sat quietly for a moment. No one had really thought about bus arrangements. They knew they would never get the individual bus idea passed. It had been such an expense when they tried it before that management had said never again. The silence once again enveloped them before AJ cleared his throat. "I'll share with Brian and Baylee and Nick, Howie and Kevin can share the other bus." AJ said focusing his attention on Baylee. He knew Nick was probably smirking at him, but he didn't care. He was doing this, he wanted to do it, needed to.

Howie nodded, relieved that he wouldn't have to share Brian's bus. "That sounds like a great plan to me. I love you Bri, and Baylee, but I need my sleep. You're a brave one J." Howie said laughing. Brian glared at Howie. "Nope he just loves us more then you all do!" Brian insisted then blushed, realizing what he had said.

AJ looked at him shocked at first, then a little hurt. It felt like Brian was making fun of his feelings. Before he could say anything they were once again interrupted by the door opening and Kevin walking into the room. "Brian, your parents are here." Brian jumped up and and left the room with Kevin to greet them. "Want to go get some coffee D?" Nick asked yawning. Howie nodded and picked himself up off the floor. "You want to come J?" Howie asked turning to look at AJ. AJ shook his head and resumed rocking the baby gently. "Nah, I'm just going to stay here with Baylee." They looked at him for a moment before nodding and leaving the room. He sighed in relief and sagged back against the rocking chair. He was starting to lose all of his energy.

He heard a cough and his eyes darted to the hospital bed, where Leighanne was trying desperately to sit up. AJ shifted Baylee to one arm and moved across the room to help her. He gently grabbed hold of her waist and hoisted her up into a sitting positing. She smiled at him thankfully and grabbed his hand as he sank down into the chair beside her bed. She squeezed his hand gently. "Hey." She said meekly after a few moments. AJ smiled. "Yeah, this is kind of awkward." He said looking at her. "It doesn't have to be. I know you don't really care for me much, but I hope we can at least try to be friends." She said smiling at him. AJ nodded.

"Take care of them for me." She pleaded. AJ laughed bitterly. "They'll be fine. They don't need me." AJ said before he could stop himself. Leighanne shook her head and squeezed his hand again, causing him to look up at her. "He needs you, more than you know." He thought for a moment before answering. "I know, all the guys will be there to help with the baby and stuff. He doesn't have to worry."

She shook her head, trying desperately to make him understand. She didn't want to betray Brian's trust, but she couldn't let them go on like this forever now that she could see for herself how much AJ loved Brian. He was miserable, it was written all over his face for anyone willing to see it. "No, he needs you. They'll both need you." She said looking him directly in the eye. He looked away, not wanting to believe the words she said. She smiled. "I know you don't believe me or what I am trying to tell you, but you'll both be so much better off if you just talk to one another instead of always turning and running away from each other."

AJ avoided her gaze and instead stared at Baylee's beautiful face. He tried so hard to ignore the words she was saying. It hurt too much to think about. She smiled at the exhausted man in front of her. Watching him hold Brian's son as if it were his own only solidified her reasoning's for demanding a divorce. They loved each other. She could see it plainly etched on AJ's tired features. She just wished that they would see it, and talk it through. She hoped they would be able to work things out. It broke her heart to see Brian so hurt all of the time and now seeing for herself that AJ was as miserable as Brian she knew something had to be done. She just wished one of them would be the one to break the silence that seemed to be between them and tell each other how they really felt.


	28. Chapter 28

AJ closed his eyes tighter and tried to bury his head under the bunk pillows. He laid there for a few moments before groaning and flipping over on his back. He tried frantically to ignore the shrill screams coming from the baby in the back of the bus, but it was no use. Every night was the same, it never stopped. He looked up at the ceiling and quietly counted to ten praying that the baby would calm in the next ten seconds. AJ growled as he realized that the baby would not be quieting down anytime soon. He loved Baylee, more than he cared to admit to anyone, but if the kid didn’t shut his damn mouth AJ was sure he would go insane.

It had been like this ever since Brian had brought Baylee home from the hospital. Brian tried so hard to be a good father, taking it a little to the extreme. He wouldn’t let anyone help or assist in any way. He was determined to do it all himself. AJ had gotten to do little things every now and then when Brian was too exhausted to fight him. He had learned to change diapers and prepare formula, all things he never imagined he would have to learn, but he had done them.

He was fully capable and willing to help Brian with the baby. The hard part was convincing Brian that he needed the help. AJ could see how exhausted Brian was becoming. He was running himself ragged and AJ worried about his health and what kind of toll having Baylee around would take on him. He tried his hardest to take care of Brian without actually letting Brian know he was doing it, he just wanted to make sure that Brian remained safe as well.

It wasn’t like Brian just let Baylee sit and cry in his crib or anything. He was always holding him, changing, feeding and doing his best to soothe him. Sometimes it just didn’t matter what Brian did, Baylee would cry all night anyway. It was nights like these that Brian would become so frustrated he would end up crying right alongside Baylee. Those times damn near broke AJ’s heart. He hated to see Brian cry. Brian would end up crying with Baylee until he grew so exhausted he ultimately fell asleep, the standoff however could last for hours.

They had hired a nanny, Rachel, to assist in taking care of Baylee during the hours that they were busy with work, but all the other time Brian had Baylee. They had found her through a friend of Leighanne’s and she had agreed to travel with them. Because she was so good with Baylee and could start right away, Brian had offered to pay for her night classes so she could still go to school while on the road with them. Because of this however she rode on the other bus, which left the three of them alone on their bus. Sometimes that was a blessing, and other times it was so damn hard AJ was afraid he would never make it to the next city.

He laid there a while longer trying to decide what to do. Usually when he got up to help Brian fought him off and back to his bunk without so much as a good night. AJ knew he was just scared of people thinking he couldn’t handle it, but he also knew that Brian needed help, whether he wanted to admit it or not. Deciding there was no way he could get any sleep until Baylee calmed down AJ decided to get up. He pulled on his sweat pants and wifebeater from the floor and stretched.

As soon as he pulled back the bus curtain the crying got louder. He walked into the lounge where Brian stood against the bus window. He looked so small and fragile leaning against the cool glass. AJ could tell from where he stood that Brian was crying as well, silent tears, but tears none the less. Brian turned as he heard AJ walk into the room shooting AJ a sad look and a cheerless smile. AJ walked over and pulled the two into his arms, trying to comfort them both the only way he knew how. He felt Brian shake in his arms, allowing the tears to come more freely. AJ pulled back gently and reached a hand up to wipe the tears off Brian’s cheeks, tears Brian hadn’t even known he’d been crying. “Shh Angel, It’s going to be alright.” AJ said leaning forward and placing a chaste kiss on Brian’s warm forehead.

Brian shook his head miserably. “I’ve tried everything. He won’t stop crying. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. It hurts so badly knowing he needs something and I have no idea what I’m not giving him. I feel so helpless.” Brian managed to get out before he dissolved into tears again. AJ pulled the older man back into his arms, trying his best to soothe his fears. “I’m so tired. I haven’t sleep in what feels like months. I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes. I’m so sorry he woke you. Hopefully he’ll fall asleep soon and we can all have some peace. I just don’t know what to do.” Brian said sniffing as he began to calm down. Just having AJ there with him lifted a weight off of him he hadn’t realized was there.

AJ took Baylee out of Brian’s arms and snuggled him in the crook of his arm. With his free arm he managed to steer Brian towards the couch. AJ settled himself down on the couch cradling the crying baby in his arms. He pulled Brian down beside him and began a soft rocking motion, rocking Baylee soothingly in his arms. Baylee seemed to begin to respond and stopped screaming as loudly as he had been previously. Brian leaned into AJ’s side and placed his head on AJ’s shoulder. It felt so nice to be close to him like this. He needed this. He needed help, plain and simple, he needed AJ.

AJ cleared his throat and softly began to sing. “From the first day, that I saw your smiling face, honey, I knew that we would be together forever” Baylee immediately calmed, hiccupping a few times as he stopped crying. He rocked his small arms forward in an attempt to get closer and smiled up at AJ. Brian’s eyes grew wide as he heard AJ begin to sing, his voice dripping love and emotion by every word out of his mouth. He watched his son become calm and mystified by the younger man. This is exactly what they needed to survive, to live, to love. They all needed each other. Brian only wished that AJ saw it the same ways he did.

AJ continued to sing lulling both Brian and Baylee to sleep. He smiled down at the sleeping baby in his arms and then at the man he loved more than life its self curled up bedside him. They were like a little family. The three of them could easily be a family, and they were, in his mind. AJ kissed Baylee’s cheek and the top of Brian’s head before snuggling deeper into the couch, finally able to sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

Nick sat at the table in the kitchen area of the bus, spoonful of frosted flakes in one hand and a comic book in the other. He enjoyed the down time on the bus. They were pretty packed on one bus, but it was the price they all paid for not wanting to ride with Baylee to every city. Not that they didn’t love the baby, they just loved peace and quiet too. Rachel was a nice, quiet addition to their bus. She kept to herself and didn’t really cause any problems. At least she cleaned up after all of them. Howie had stopped that a long time ago. It was a nice change.

“Whatcha reading Nicky?” Kevin asked coming into the kitchen and pouring himself a cup of coffee. That was another good thing about Rachel; she always made sure there was fresh coffee. She had a small obsession with it.

“Just a comic book that I picked up in the last city. Just waiting till we get to the hotel, I want off the bus.” Nick said happily munching on his cereal.

Kevin nodded and brought his coffee to the table. He took the seat across from Nick and settled back. He tried unsuccessfully not to stare at the blonde in front of him. He quietly tried to commit his new features to memory. He had changed so much and then again not at all in the time that Kevin had been away. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, neither one saying a word. Nick continued to eat his cereal.

“So I heard you and AJ had something going on.” Kevin said bluntly, taking a sip from his coffee cup.

Nick choked on the cereal and sputtered milk all over the table and all over Kevin. Coughing a few times he looked at Kevin angrily. Kevin glared back wiping milk off his arms. “Thanks Nick. That wasn’t disgusting at all.”

“Where did you hear that from?” Nick demanded, ignoring the other things he said.

“Relax Nick. Brian mentioned that you two were spending more time together and I just put two and two together. I just wanted to hear from you what was going on is all.” Kevin said softly looking at Nick curiously.

“We’re not together and no I don’t want to talk about it.” Nick said picking up his bowl of cereal and dumping the remaining contents in the sink. He grabbed some paper towel and cleaned up his mess on the table. He threw one more angry glance in Kevin’s direction before he left the room.

Kevin sighed heavily. He knew he had handled that the wrong way, but he just wanted to know what was going on. As far as he knew before that Nick was straight, him being with AJ opened up a whole new can of worms that Kevin desperately wanted to get to the bottom of. Was Nick really interested in men? Maybe the Kevin’s chances weren’t as bleak as he originally though. He could only ever hope. Hoping however was never going to get him anywhere.

Nick curled up in his bunk and tried to ignore the fact that Kevin was in the other room. Ever since Kevin has come back Nick’s emotions had been all over the place. He could not stay in one mood for very long. He felt like he was falling off a cliff with nowhere to land every time Kevin looked in his general direction. He wished things with AJ hadn’t ended the way that they had. He sighed and rolled over onto his stomach. Having Kevin back on tour with them was beginning to become more and more complicated. Nick missed Kevin more now that he was back then he did when he was with Kristen.

He felt the bus pull to a stop and realized that they must have pulled up outside of the hotel. He climbed out of his bunk and quickly gathered his stuff. He wanted off the bus before anything worse could happen. He just wanted to lock himself up in his hotel room and forget everything that had been happening. He walked to the front of the bus and realized that everyone else had already left. He descended the stairs and was set to go inside when Howie stopped him. “Hey Nick, can you see what’s keeping the other bus? I’ll take your stuff.” He said smiling at Nick. Nick sighed but handed over his stuff.

He made his way to the other bus easily. It was a lot easier to move around when they got to park in the lots behind the hotels. It really helped keep fans at bay. He knocked loudly on the bus door but received no response. He pushed the bus door open and climbed inside. He came to a screeching halt as he saw all members of the bus curled up together on the couch. He felt a pang of jealously seeing AJ encased with Brian and Baylee. He cleared his throat loudly in an attempt to wake them up. He didn’t want to have to go any closer unless he had to.

Brian began to stir and yawned. He stretched on the couch before smiling at his son wrapped in AJ’s arms. He then realized that they weren’t alone as his eyes fell on Nick. Nick smiled angrily. He took a deep breath before speaking, trying to keep his voice clear.

“We’re here. You need to come inside and get your room keys.” With that he turned on his heel and left the bus.

Brian sighed heavily. Just when he thought things were getting better something had to happen to mess everything up again. He brought his attention back to the man beside him. His heart danced at the fact that they had slept together all night long on the couch. He leaned over and placed a small, sweet kiss on AJ’s lips before pulling away and taking Baylee from his arms. He changed and diapered Baylee before gathering their things to leave the bus. He sat on the couch, gently shaking AJ in an attempt to wake him up. It took a few minutes for him to come out of his sleepy daze. AJ sat up for a moment trying to figure out how he got on the couch in the first place. He glanced up at Brian who stood holding Baylee and smiled. He remembered now. He rubbed his face with his hands trying to rub away the sleepiness.

“Nick came by to wake us up and found you on the couch asleep with us. He was pretty upset when he left so you may want to talk to him.” Brian said tiredly as he struggled to gather the rest of his and Baylee’s bags before leaving the bus, leaving AJ alone with his thoughts.

He sighed heavily. Now Brian thought that he and Nick had something going on. Whatever they may have had before was completely over now so he couldn’t understand why Nick would have been upset by seeing him with Brian. He shrugged to no one and grabbed his things before leaving the bus. He was tired of trying to figure everything out all the time. If Nick wanted to be mad then more power to him. He was sure he would find out what Nick’s problem was soon enough.


	30. Chapter 30

Once inside the hotel he grabbed his room keys from Kevin and made his way to the elevator. Brian stood in the hallway struggling with the baby and all of the bags needed to go to his room. AJ quickly hurried over and lifted Baylee out of Brian’s arms. Brian smiled sheepishly and grabbed the falling diaper bag moments before it hit the floor. Brian smiled sheepishly, “Thanks I’ve just not quite gotten the hand of needing four hands and only having two.” The elevator opened and they stepped inside. AJ pushed the button for their floor and leaned back against the wall.

AJ smiled back and nestled Baylee closer to his chest. He was almost three months old and AJ was becoming more and more attached every day. He loved being with Baylee. He loved holding him and singing him to sleep at night. He just had to fight Brian really hard for the chance to be with him. It took his breath away at how perfect he was. He smiled down at the sleepy child wishing he could be the only other parent he would ever need. Brian leaned against the wall trying not to fall asleep; he could barely keep his eyes open. He smiled at the sleepy man. He was starting to love him more and more every day. It was quite the dangerous combination.

The elevator opened at their floor and they shuffled out into the hallway. Once they reached Brian’s room AJ took his keycard and opened the door allowing Brian to enter. He followed close behind and set some of the bags down on the nearest chair. Brian threw himself face first down on the nearest bed and groaned out a sigh. AJ smiled at the sight and thought for a moment.

“Hey Bri. I’m not really tired How about you let me take Baylee with me to my room and you can take a nap in here.” AJ said looking carefully at Brian. Brian sat up on the bed and shook his head. “I couldn’t ask you to do that. He’s my son. It’s my responsibility to take care of him.” Brian said rubbing his eyes and trying not to yawn and show how tired he really was. He couldn’t believe how sweet AJ was being all of time.

“You didn’t ask. I’m offering. You’re exhausted. You’re doing the job of two parents and a superstar. There is no reason I can’t help out. You have to let me help you. You cannot keep going on like this Angel. You’re going to run out of steam somewhere along the track. I like to do this, I want to do this. Please let me help.” AJ said placing his hand on Brian’s shoulder. Brian sighed and then nodded.

“Okay. If you’re sure, but I owe you. I don’t want to use you as a free babysitting service.” Brian said softly. AJ nodded and sqeezed Brian’s shoulder in response. He had to get away from this man before he did something totally stupid. He grabbed Baylee’s toys and diaper bag and waved quickly to Brian as he left the room.

He loved being able to help out. He loved feeling like Brian needed him. He closed Brian’s door quietly and turned to see Nick standing in the middle of the hallway staring at him. He pulled Baylee closer to his chest and wrapped the blanket closer around him.

“Well aren’t you just the little family man.” Nick said sarcastically rolling his eyes. AJ gritted his teeth and quietly counted to ten to keep from going after him. “Get over it Nick. I’m trying to help Brian out so he can take a nap so back off.” AJ said angrily.

Nick nodded. “Uh huh. I thought that was what Rachel was for.” He shook his head slowly.”He’s never going to love you back you know. He’d never risk everything to be with you now that he has Baylee to think about. Plus, he’s not gay.” Nick said laughing.

AJ closed his eyes and willed himself not to punch Nick in the face. “I’m not going to stand here and do this with you. You’re pissed. I get that, but me wanting to spend time with Baylee has nothing to do with this. At least I’m willing to help my friend. How many diapers have you changed? How many times have you stayed up with him when he can’t sleep and sing him to sleep?

I do everything I can because I care about Brian and it’s shitty he has to try to do all of this on his own. So what there is a nanny. She’s only supposed to be used when we’re not here. Pardon me if I don’t want to be an asshole and I want to spend my free time with my nephew. Now get out of my fucking way before I punch you in the face.” AJ spit out, his eyes flaring.

Nick glared back but moved so that AJ could get past him. AJ was thankful that Baylee had not gotten fussy during his encounter with Nick. The man could really piss him off sometimes. He finally made it to his room and safely closed the door behind him.

He put all the bags down on the floor and sunk down on the couch with Baylee in his arms. He stretched out on the length of the couch and Baylee curled up on his chest, content to lay there with him. He shouldn’t have to explain his love for Baylee. The rest of the guys should feel the same love for him.

So why was he the only one who wanted to spend all of this time with him? He stared down at the baby on his chest that was kicking his arms and legs back and forth smiling up at AJ. Baylee melted his heart every time he looked at him. He only wished he could melt Brian’s heart as well.

“I love you, do you know that?” AJ said smiling at Baylee. He ran his fingers through the springy blonde curls the way he did to Brian. They both seemed to like it the same way. “I do. I love you more than almost everything in the world. The only thing I love more than you is your daddy. Yeah. I love your daddy more than anything.” AJ smiled as Baylee continued to smile and coo at him. He wished that Baylee belonged to him. He knew he would make an excellent father and with Brian as a partner he knew he could do anything.


	31. Chapter 31

Nick closed his hotel room door loudly behind him. He leaned back against the hard door and pounded it gently with the back of his head. He felt like the world’s biggest asshole. AJ’s words rang in his ears. He was right though. Nick had fully taken advantage of the fact that AJ was always willing to help out with Baylee and never tried himself to help Brian with any of it. He was supposed to be Brian’s best friend and he could count on one hand how many times he had held Baylee, forget changing his diapers.

He hadn’t even gone to visit him or try to play with him. He had taken for granted that AJ made sure Brian was taken care of and then he goes and throws it in his face. He could really be helping out more. Hell he could even help out a little and it would still be more than what he was doing now. He could be taking Baylee for an afternoon so that Brian could sleep. He had just assumed that AJ was doing all of those things because he was in love with Brian. It had never crossed Nick’s mind that AJ was doing those things because it was what good friends do.

He had no idea why he was reacting so strongly to the thought of AJ and Brian actually working out or AJ spending all of his time with Brian. He himself was never in love with AJ so why did he care who AJ was in love with? He sighed and thought for a moment before he allowed himself to really answer that question. It was because he was miserable and he resented the fact that AJ may be able to get himself out of his own miserable funk. Selfish, yes, but he had always been considered selfish so there was no surprise there.

He just wished he could get over his feelings for Kevin so he would not feel so alone all of the time. AJ was really mad at him. He never should have thrown AJ’s feelings for Brian in his face like that. Nick knew how bad it hurt to love someone that would never look twice at you and he felt horrible for making AJ feel worse when all he was doing was trying to do was be a good friend. He sighed and looked at the clock. There was still three hours before the scheduled sound check.

He would have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do to keep AJ from being too pissed at him. He knew he had really messed things up this time. He flopped down on the bed and sighed again. He wrapped his arms around the limp hotel pillow. Maybe a nap would help him calm down some before he had to see them again, at least it would take the edge off his temper.

~*~

AJ filled the sink with warm water and placed the squirmy baby inside. He loved bath time with Baylee. It was one of the only times that Baylee was truly happy. Not that he wasn’t happy other times, but he really loved bath time, especially with AJ because he gave him extra time to play in the water. He reached into the diaper bag and pulled out Baylee’s bath duck and placed it in the water. Baylee laughed and grabbed it, dunking it once before trying to put it in his mouth. AJ smiled and took it away and put it back in the water. He began using the duck to play with Baylee, making him laugh and smile.

Baylee laughed out and lunged for the duck sloshing the water out of the sink and all down the front of AJ’s shirt, soaking it through. AJ laughed gently and shook his head. No one ever came out dry after bath time. He refilled the sink and settled Baylee back into the warm water. He grabbed a cup nearby and filled it with water before dumping it softly over top Baylee’s head to wet the curls. Baylee giggled and looked up at AJ, his blue eyes sparkling with fun. AJ smiled back and kissed Baylee’s nose before returning to his task of cleaning the baby. Keeping one hand on his back to keep him upright AJ opened the baby shampoo and poured a small amount into his hand before massaging into Baylee’s blonde curls.

He had Brian’s blue eyes and blonde curls. Every time AJ looked at Baylee he was reminded of how much he loved Brian. Sometimes that made it hard to be with Baylee as much as he was. The baby shampoo smelled like vanilla, warm, comforting, home. It made AJ wish beyond hope that things were different with him and Brian and that they were a family together, but AJ knew that would never happen and he was quite thankful for what he did have. He couldn’t believe he got along with Brian’s son as well as he did. He figured that when Baylee was born that it would be too hard to be around Brian or Baylee for that matter. Now AJ couldn’t imagine an hour going by when he wasn’t near Baylee. The small child had stolen his heart the moment AJ had set eyes on him and he seriously doubted he would ever get it back. The only thing that bothered AJ was the fear that someone new would come into Brian’s life and take his place with Baylee. AJ had lost Brian a long time ago, a blow he was still trying to recover from; losing Baylee would end him for sure.

He finished washing the baby and leaned back, giving Baylee time to play around in the water. He smiled and laughed with Baylee. He sang him every song that came to mind. Baylee loved with AJ sung to him and usually stopped everything he was doing to gaze up at AJ with bright blue shining eyes. AJ loved feeling that wanted, that needed.

Once the water grew cold he pulled the drain and laughed as Baylee watched the water go down the drain. Baylee was amazed every time. He grabbed a towel and gently lifted Baylee out of the sink, wrapping the oversized towel securely around him. He dried his curls but kept him wrapped in the towel. He continued singing a song and danced from the bathroom to the main area of the hotel room, tickling Baylee’s belly the whole way. Baylee shrieked with laughter and giggles. AJ smiled too and buried his head in Baylee’s tummy and blowing on it lightly causing Baylee to shriek more. They were interrupted by a knock at the door. AJ danced over and found his smile growing wider as he opened the door to find Brian on the other side.


	32. Chapter 32

Brian leaned against the door frame and smiled as he saw his son all wrapped up in AJ’s arms. He knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of his son, but it was hard not to be. Baylee currently was buried in the one place Brian longed to be most. He smiled at the pair before leaning over and kissing Baylee’s cheek, causing him to smile more.

“Hey Bri. We just got done with our bath.” AJ said smiling cheekily and pointing at his shirt.

The wet material was clinging to him in such a way that Brian had to struggle to maintain even breathing. AJ handed Baylee to Brian before pulling his shirt off his head. He closed the hotel door behind Brian and led him further into the room. He threw his dirty shirt in the already enormous pile of dirty laundry and went to his suitcase to find another one. Brian couldn’t take his eyes off of the younger man’s body. He wished he could lick and kiss every inch of exposed skin. He longed to trace the tattoos that decorated the other man. He just wanted to be lost in AJ’s strong arms. He blushed at his thoughts. He had to calm down, and soon, before things ended up being really awkward. Brian looked away before AJ could catch him staring and settled onto the couch to dress Baylee.

“I was going to do that.” AJ said turning around and catching Brian pulling clothes out of the diaper bag.

“It’s no big deal, I can do it.” Brian said smiling at AJ.

AJ sat on the couch and swatted Brian’s hands out of the way. He dug through the bag until he found something he had bought and dressed and diapered the baby. He kissed his cheek sweetly before handing him back to Brian. Sometimes AJ just didn’t want to let him go. The bath had worn Baylee out and he snuggled into his father’s arms and fell asleep quickly. They settled back onto the couch comfortably.

“I’m sorry if Nick got mad about earlier. I should have woken up sooner and already been ready to leave so he didn’t have to come looking for us. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep last night.” Brian said softly focusing his attention on the sleeping baby so he wouldn’t have to look at AJ.

AJ shook his head. “It’s not that big of a deal. I’m glad you fell asleep; you haven’t been sleeping properly so any sleep you do manage to get is always a good thing. He had no reason to react the way he did. Who knows what the hell his problem is. I suggest he get over it sooner rather than later.” AJ said catching Brian’s eye.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, both wanting to say so much more. Brian started to tell AJ everything and then stopped himself. It was no use. AJ would never forgive him and he didn’t deserve AJ’s forgiveness. He didn’t want to make things worse between them. What they had going on right now was working, there was no use messing it up. He had a million questions he wanted to discuss, but he knew they would never talk about such things. None of it was any of Brian’s business anyway. He sighed and tried to ignore the way his heart hurt at the thought of AJ and Nick together. He had no right to feel the way he did. He was the one who caused all of these things to happen anyway.

AJ grabbed the remote off of the coffee table and turned on the television. He needed something else to focus his attention on. There was no way he could sit there any longer without some sort of distraction. The urge to lean over and kiss Brian was becoming too strong and he needed to calm down. He sighed in frustration and settled back, watching whatever cartoon happened to be on at the moment. He snuck glances at the two sitting beside him. He longed for them all to be together. He would make a great father and an even better partner. Maybe he had been going a little overboard trying to make Brian see how perfect they could be together but he couldn’t help himself.

He watched as Baylee began to get fussy. Brian shifted him around in his arms, trying to calm him before he threw a fit but nothing seemed to be working. The movements only seemed to agitate him more. Baylee broke out in a strangled cry and screamed. AJ chuckled as he watched Brian begin to panic. Every time Baylee cried Brian freaked and had no idea what to do. AJ figured it was all part of being a new father.

“It’s not funny Alex. I have no idea what’s the matter with him. He was sleeping just fine before. He’s not wet, hungry, or anything else I can think of. I have no idea what to do.” Brian said looking helplessly at AJ.

AJ smiled before scooting closer and gently pulling Baylee out of Brian’s arms. He settled Baylee on his shoulder and rubbed his back soothingly, rocking him gently the entire time. Baylee immediately soothed himself down and cuddled into the side of AJ’s neck and went back to sleep. Brian glared at him playfully.

“Why does he always like you better than me?” Brian asked crossing his arms over his chest.

AJ laughed and threw an arm around Brian’s shoulders. “It’s cuz I’ve got the magic touch baby.” AJ said grinning widely.

Brian looked at him, a small smile on his face and tried desperately not to lean in and kiss him. The smile died on AJ’s lips as he noticed how intensely Brian was staring at him. He opened his mouth to speak but had no idea what to say, so he closed it and continued to look at Brian. He felt like he was stuck in a trance and he prayed Brian did something, anything.

The phone rang breaking them out of whatever hold they were in and Brian jumped up to get it before it woke Baylee. He stood there silently for a few moments before nodding and hanging the phone up. He turned and smiled softly as his gaze fell back on AJ.

“We have to go. The vans are waiting downstairs.” He said grudgingly.

AJ nodded and gathered his things with one hand while holding Baylee with the other. He was grateful for the interruption because otherwise he would have made quite an ugly mess of things, but at the same time he relished the time he got to spend alone with the two of them, sometimes those moments could be few and far between. Brian grabbed the room keys and the diaper bag and followed AJ out of the room and to the elevators. They were the last ones to get outside so they ended up riding by themselves to the venue. The van ride was tense, both unsure of how to react to the other.

Once they got to the venue they met the other guys on stage. Brian didn’t miss the dirty looks Nick shot in his direction. He smiled secretly. He liked Nick being jealous, AJ belonged to him and there was no way that Brian would ever let him go again if he ever got him back.

“There you guys are. We’ve been waiting forever. We thought you’d never get here. Give Rachel the baby and let’s get started.” Kevin said taking his place on stage. He couldn’t handle it if they were even ten minutes late.

Nick followed behind him and watched quietly as AJ played family man. AJ handed Rachel the sleepy Baylee, but as soon as Baylee left AJ’s arms he let out a high pitched scream and would not stop crying. AJ quickly took him back in his arms and blushed as Baylee quieted down and went back to sleep. Making a quick decision AJ took to the stage with Baylee still wrapped in his arms. Brian laughed and smiled from his place on the stage. Baylee was almost as addicted to AJ as he was. The rest of the guys stared at AJ in wonder, confused looks on their faces.

“What’s going on cuz?” Kevin asked eyeing AJ curiously. Brian shrugged before laughing a little. “Don’t ask me. He’s been like this all day. He doesn’t want anyone but AJ. He even throws a fit when I hold him.” Brian said shaking his head.

“I’ll just hold him and not do the dancing. I can still sing my parts though.” AJ said rocking Baylee back and forth in his arms. He smiled down at the sleeping baby. He couldn’t have been happier by Baylee’s actions. It felt good to be needed so intensely. AJ held Baylee close to his chest and danced around the stage, careful not to stand still for too long. By the end of the sound check Baylee was still fast asleep, a small smile gracing his features. Brian walked over and gently took him to place him in his car seat.

“You’re quite good with him. I’m proud of you.” Kevin said placing a hand on AJ’s shoulder. AJ smiled. “Someone needed to learn how to change a diaper.” AJ said laughing as Brian glared at him.

Kevin smiled watching the interaction between the two. He could clearly see everything by the way that Brian and AJ interacted with each other. He could clearly see how much they both cared for each other. It was a shame that they couldn’t move past the shit that happened and move on with their lives together. He noticed Nick glaring at them from where he stood in the corner. Something had been bothering him lately, he just hadn’t had time to figure out what it was, but he would, and soon.


	33. Chapter 33

The lights went down and the smoke faded but the high that stuck around after an amazing performance was bouncing off every member as they made their way backstage after the concert. They smiled and laughed together, finally everyone at ease. It was always like this after a concert. It seemed like performing was the glue that held them together and when they did it well they just blended all the more closely.

They were met backstage by Rachel who was going frantic trying to calm Baylee down. Brian was first to see her distress and crossed the room in a matter of seconds taking the screaming baby from her arms. AJ was right behind him and placed an arm around Brian’s shoulders as he tried to soothe his cries. The rest of the guys quietly watched the exchange before deciding it would be better not to interrupt. They slipped from the room unnoticed and went to gather their things to go to the hotel.

Brian looked at AJ with scared eyes having no idea what to do to clam Baylee down. AJ leaned down and kissed Brian’s forehead gently. “Go change and I’ll try to get him to stop crying, then we can take him back to the hotel.” AJ said urging Brian out of the room. Brian hesitated for a moment before nodding and leaving the room, leaving AJ and Baylee alone.

AJ spent five minutes trying every trick he had learned to get Baylee to calm and none of them were working. He was starting to get a little freaked out but swallowed his fears. His anxiety would only send Brian over the edge. He kept kissing Baylee’s forehead and noted how warm he seemed. He continued to hold Baylee and sing to him softly until Brian returned. He was starting to wonder if Baylee was running a fever. Before he could think any more of it Brian reentered the room looking flushed and beautiful. AJ handed Baylee to Brian and quickly grabbed the rest of their things before leading them both out to the vans. He would just change when they got back to the hotel. He wanted to get them out of there as soon as possible.

Baylee cried the whole way to the hotel, loud angry cries that broke AJ’s heart. He knew something wasn’t right but he didn’t know what it was. He hated seeing Baylee this upset. Once inside the hotel AJ followed Brian to his hotel room. They laid Baylee down on the bed and quickly checked him over trying to eliminate ever y reason why he could be this upset. AJ placed his hand on Baylee’s head and soothed back his curls.

“He’s burning up Angel. Do you think he could have gotten sick?” AJ asked turning to look at Brian. Brian looked at AJ and shrugged, his face scared. AJ nodded and grabbed his wallet and room key from the nightstand.

“I’m going to run down to the pharmacy around the corner and see if there is a pharmacist on duty who can tell us something. You stay here and see if you can get him to calm down at all ok?” AJ said looking at Brian carefully. Brian nodded slowly. AJ pulled Brian into his arms and hugged him closely for a moment before making himself pull away and leave the room. He had no idea what he had been thinking. He always seemed to make a bad situation worse. He avoided Brian’s gaze as he left the room. Sometimes he could be a real dumbass. He grabbed Marcus on his way from the hotel floor and quickly made his way into the night air.

~*~  
Kevin knocked harshly on Nick’s door knowing that the blonde was indeed inside. He could hear the younger man muttering and slamming stuff inside the room and smiled to himself. Sometimes he forgot he had ever left. The door flung open unexpectedly, surprising Kevin slightly. He didn’t think Nick would actually open the door. Kevin smiled placing his hand on the door so that Nick couldn’t try to shut it on him. “Mind if I come in?” he said sweetly, smiling at Nick.

Nick glared at him, but stepped aside so that he could enter anyway. Kevin sat on the bed and tried not to stare at the mess all over the hotel room. He could never understand how Nick could live this way. His fingers itched to straighten and clean the mess. Being this close to Nick could be dangerous and he needed to get to the point quick before he ended up embarrassing himself.

“What’s going on Nick?” Kevin asked not wasting any time. He looked at Nick squarely awaiting some semblance of an answer.

Nick stared at him blankly. “What do you mean Kevin? Nothing’s going on. I was going to go to bed before you came barging in here wanting to talk so you tell me what’s going on.” Nick said crossing his arms over his chest. Kevin sighed knowing this was going to be harder than he had originally thought. “I mean something is going on with you, Brian and AJ. You’re rolling your eyes and making snide remarks and generally treating your best friends like shit. What’s the deal here?”

Nick sighed and ran his fingers through his messy hair. “Nothing’s going on Kevin.” He said finally.

“Bullshit Nick. Don’t lie to me. You don’t want to talk about it fine, but there’s no reason to lie to me about it. You need to grow up and get over the fact that AJ stole your best friend or Brian stole your boyfriend. There are a lot bigger problems out there going on than you acting like a spoiled brat. You need to knock it off and realize that your friends and they need your love and support, and your help, especially Brian.” Kevin said glaring angrily at Nick.

Nick looked away fighting the tears that welled up in the back of his eyes. He knew he was acting like a jackass. He didn’t need everyone pointing it out all the time. Kevin shook his head before getting up off the bed and leaving the room. He loved that boy more than anything in the world, but he could really be an asshole sometimes too.

Nick felt about two inches tall by the time Kevin left the room. He knew he needed to get his act together. He hated when Kevin was upset with him and knowing that Kevin was mad enough to come have this talk with him only made him feel worse. He stood there for a moment before realizing he needed to apologize to Brian and the sooner the better. Maybe if Kevin knew he was really trying he wouldn’t be so upset with him anymore.

Making up his mind he grabbed his room key and quickly left the room in search of Brian’s. He wondered down the hall trying to remember exactly what room Brian was in, but Baylee’s screams brought him to the right door. He could hear Baylee shrieking and crying before he ever reached the door way. The door was partially open and Nick pushed it open further. Brian stood inside crying himself and holding the bawling child close to him.

“What’s going on Brian?” Nick asked loudly, trying to be heard over the screaming.

Brian shook his head and shrugged. “He won’t stop. I’ve tried everything, if anything it only gets louder. I have no idea what to do Nick.” Brian said crying.

Nick looked at his flushed face and picked up the phone and called downstairs to have a van pulled up to the doors.”What are you doing?” Brian asked watching Nick take charge.

“We’re going to take Baylee to the emergency room. I’m sure he’s fine. But it’ll be better if we just go ahead and get him checked out. You can never be too careful, plus it will help you rest better knowing what’s actually wrong instead of guessing.” Nick said grabbing the diaper bag and leading Brian out of the room.

Brian stopped in the middle of the hallway causing Nick to run into him. “What about Alex? He just went to the pharmacy. He’ll be back soon. I need him to come with me.” Brian said looking at Nick with pleading eyes. He couldn’t take Baylee to the emergency room without AJ there too. Here lately he didn’t do anything without AJ there.

Nick nodded and continued to push Brian towards the elevator. “I’ll have Kevin bring him along as soon as he gets back. Now let’s go.” Nick said finally getting Brian off of their floor.


	34. Chapter 34

They took the elevator downstairs and met the van outside. Nick closed his eyes and shook his head. If Baylee didn’t stop crying soon he was surely going to lose it. Nick helped Brian into the van and settled in himself. He called Kevin from his cell phone and told him what was going on. Once that was done they settle back as quietly as they could with Baylee still crying.

“You really care about him don’t you?” Nick asked closing his eyes and looking away from Brian.

“More than anything in the world.”

Brian let the words slip before he even realized what he was saying. Those thoughts and feelings were so natural to him he had a hard time keeping them in when questioned directly about them. Nick opened his eyes and peered at Brian closely. Brian could feel his face flush and knew he should have kept his mouth shut.

“You love him don’t you?” Nick questioned softly.

Brian sighed and turned to look at Nick. “It’s more complicated than that Nick, but yes, I love him. I’ve loved him for a rather long time.”

The van pulled up in front of the hospital breaking their conversation. Nick jumped out of the van and helped Brian and Baylee out after him. Once inside they were directed to a waiting room where they could wait comfortably until a doctor could see them. They got situated in the hard chairs and tired to make small talk, but Baylee’s crying made it difficult. They waited for more than twenty minutes before the door opened and the rest of the guys filed in. Brian’s heart leapt as soon as he saw AJ enter the room. He had been on edge before praying that AJ got there soon. Not that he had anything against Nick’s company, but he was scared, and all he wanted was AJ beside him.

AJ crossed the room and took a seat beside Brian throwing an arm around his shoulders before Brian sagged against him. He squeezed Brian too him lightly and dropped a kiss on the side of his head. He had been a nervous wreck when he got back to the hotel and found out what was going on. He could kick himself for not suggesting they go to the emergency room earlier.

“How long has he been crying for?” Howie asked wincing slightly. Brian smiled at his friend’s discomfort. He had no idea how Howie ever planned to be a father. “He hasn’t stopped since we got him back after the concert.” Howie shook his head and rubbed his temples.

“How long have you been waiting for?” Kevin asked glancing at the clock. “For more than a half hour,” Nick said rolling his eyes. Kevin nodded and stepped out of the room in search of a doctor. The rest of the guys remained in the room trying not to let the cries affect them too much.

Five minutes later Kevin returned with a doctor in tow. He introduced himself and quickly read over the chart the nurses had prepared. He asked Brian to hold Baylee still and quickly checked over him before smiling. “It’s an ear infection. Babies don’t understand what’s going on or how to deal with the pain in their ears so all they do is cry. I’ll get you some ear drops and a prescription and you’ll be on your way.” The doctor said smiling before slipping from the room.

Brian relaxed back against AJ thrilled that there was nothing seriously wrong with Baylee. AJ hugged Brian close to him and tried to resist the urge to kiss him. Brian smiled against the other man’s chest before pulling away and looking at the other guys.

“Thanks for helping me Nick. It really means a lot to me.” Brian said smiling up at his friend. Nick nodded and smiled. They gathered their things and followed Kevin out of the room and down to the nurses desk.

“Hey AJ, can I talk to you for a second?” Nick asked falling back and allowing the others to go ahead. AJ nodded but remained skeptical. He wasn’t in any mood to deal with Nick’s shit. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I’m really sorry about the way that I have been acting lately. I know I was being an asshole and I want to apologize. I guess I was just jealous at the fact that Brian returns your feelings and all I get from Kevin is lectures and angry looks. I enjoyed the time that we spent together, but let’s just chalk it up to two friends helping each other out. I don’t want it to mess with our friendship.” Nick said sincerely.

AJ stopped listening to everything Nick said after he said Brian returned his feelings. He had to be messing around, trying to get a reaction out of him. He eyed Nick closely before he spoke. “What do you mean Nick?” he asked pointedly.

“I mean we should just move on and not be umcom…”

“No Nick, about Brian, what did you mean about Brian?” AJ asked pushing himself off of the wall so that he was standing directly in front of Nick.

Nick looked at AJ before realizing he probably should not have said that Brian returned his feelings. Obviously that was something that AJ was unaware of. “Umm I just meant that I think he likes you too.” Nick said sheepishly.

AJ glared at him before turning and walking down the hallway. He stopped and looked back at Nick. “We’re cool. Everything is alright.” He said before scampering off to catch up with the others. Nick watched him go unsure of whether or not he had totally messed things up with Brian and AJ or not.

“Hey Nick, mind if we ride back together?” Kevin asked coming around the corner. Nick smiled as Kevin threw an arm over his shoulders. “Sounds good to me.” Nick said beaming up at him.

~*~  
AJ sat quietly in the van on the way back to the hotel. He had helped Brian hold Baylee down until they could successfully get the drops in his ears. He had calmed down significantly, but he still remained pretty crabby. He curled up in AJ’s arms and drifted off to sleep, bringing peace and calm to everyone on the van. AJ leaned back in his seat trying to sort out his emotions.

He wasn’t sure how to react to what Nick had said. Was it really possible that Brian could feel the same way, finally? He tried to act interested in whatever it was that Howie was saying, but his thoughts were completely somewhere else. How was he supposed to act? Should he say something to Brian or drop hints so that Brian would say something to him?

He was unsure of what to do, but he knew he had to come up with some kind of idea quick before he drove himself crazy worrying about something he may or may not even have to worry about in the first place.


	35. Chapter 35

Kevin laid stretched out on the couch in the lounge enjoying the peace and quiet that being on the road brought. He was absentmindedly watching some cartoon show on television and trying to get his mind to think of anything besides the blonde in the other room. That was definitely easier said than done. He yawned and leaned back further into the couch, content in his surroundings. He had missed this more than he had even realized. This was his life, this was where he belonged. He couldn’t believe he had allowed Kristen to manipulate him into leaving.

His attention shifted to the doorway as he saw Nick stumble into the lounge. He smiled at Kevin and made his way to the kitchen for something to drink. Kevin smiled back. Nick’s hair was stuck up every which way, a clear indication that he had just woken up. He had never looked more beautiful to Kevin then he did right now. Kevin had to bite back a sigh and pretend that he wasn’t staring at the beautiful man before him. He closed his eyes briefly trying to calm his emotions.

Nick grabbed a can of soda and turned to glance at the TV. He opened the can and downed half of it in one gulp before he had even reached the lounge again. “Cartoons!” he yelped before he plopped himself down on the couch beside Kevin. Kevin smiled at the blonde and resisted the urge to lean over and kiss him. He sat up a bit to make room for the blonde on the couch.

Nick looked at Kevin curiously. “When did you start watching cartoons Kevin?” Nick asked his eyes wide with question. Kevin never used to watch cartoons. He barely watched television and when he did it was usually movies the rest of the guys had forced him to watch or the news, never something as frivolous as cartoons. Kevin smiled shyly. “Just something I started watching while I was gone.” He said softly. He had no intention of ever telling Nick that he had started watching cartoons when being with Kristen got to be too much and he missed Nick more than anything. Sometimes the animated characters softened the blow of not being able to be with him.

Nick smiled and snuggled down into the couch and leaned against Kevin. Kevin smiled down at him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Nick leaned in closer to the older man. They had hardly been around each other since Kevin had come back. They used to have time to hang out together all the time, but they hadn’t been alone at all since Kevin had returned. “I missed you a lot.” Nick said softly after a few moments, finally voicing how he really felt.

It broke Kevin’s heart to hear the words fall from Nick’s mouth. He sounded so…haunted when he spoke them. He hated the fact that he had hurt the younger man with his departure. Out of everyone he knew Nick would take it the hardest. Kevin knew Nick looked up to him and would ultimately never understand Kevin’s reasons for leaving. He pulled Nick closer to him. “I missed you too Nicky.” Kevin said gently, kissing the top of the younger man’s head. They quietly went back to watching the cartoon show.

It was going to be one hell of a long night. They were driving halfway across the freaking country to get to California for a special benefit concert they had agreed to participate in. The only problem was it was nowhere near their current tour stops, which meant they had to drive all the way there, throwing their entire schedule off track. It also meant they were stuck on the buses for a day and a half. They had all settled in the best that they could but they all knew it would only be a matter of time before they all became restless.

“What is this show?” Kevin asked after a while. He totally didn’t understand the concept or just what it was going on. Nick giggled beside him. “It’s Aqua Teen Hunger Force Kevvy. They are grown up cartoons.” Nick said smiling cheekily up at the older man. Kevin shook his head and grinned back. “That’s such an oxymoron Nick.” He said smiling. Nick smiled back, looking even more adorable than he did before and Kevin couldn’t take it anymore. He moved quickly and began tickling the other man digging his fingers into Nick’s sides causing him to shriek and giggle while trying to squirm away from him. They shifted and squirmed, tickling each other all over the couch. After a few moments they were out of breath from laughing and screaming and settled back onto the couch. Nick stretched out and laid down, lightly placing his head in Kevin’s lap. Kevin tenderly ran his fingers through the blonde locks, quietly relishing the time they got to spend together.

They grew quiet again, both content in being near each other. Nick smiled and closed his eyes. He loved when Kevin played with his hair. Having Kevin softly rubbing his head while running his fingers through his hair was soothing and Nick found himself relaxing fully against the older man. “I’m glad Kristen’s gone and you could come back to me.” Nick said softly twisting a ring he had on his finger.

The words stopped Kevin’s hands making him smile. He once again resisted the urge to lean down and show Nick just how much he had missed him. Nick was saying all of the things that Kevin had always longed to hear come from the younger man. He only wished he was saying these things in a more than just best friends sort of way. They sat quietly watching the cartoons and enjoying each other’s company. Nick gazed up at Kevin’s beautiful face and longed to spill every secret he had ever kept from the other man. He longed to tell Kevin how he felt but knew it would only end in disappointment.

~*~  
Nick woke up with the sun shining down on him through the windows of the bus. He yawned and stretched before he hit something solid and realized he was still lying on top of Kevin. He smiled and snuggled back down pretending to stay asleep. He never got to be this close to Kevin and knowing that they had spent all night, curled up against each other, made Nick smile even more. Kevin stirred slightly and wrapped his arm around Nick, pulling him tighter against him. Nick’s grin got wider as he inhaled Kevin’s scent and drifted back off to sleep.


	36. Chapter 36

“Want some pancakes,” AJ yelled across the bus as he pulled the rest of the needed ingredients out of the refrigerator. He went to work mixing the batter while waiting on Brian’s response. He could hear Brian’s laughing all the way from the bedroom.

“Alex, it’s three o’clock in the morning.” Brian said smiling as he walked into the kitchen area. AJ shrugged and dug around in the cabinets until he found a skillet. “I wanted pancakes.” He said turning around and smiling at Brian.

Brian laughed and smiled. “Yes, I’ll eat some pancakes. They are my favorite after macaroni and cheese and you make the best pancakes in the world!” Brian said hopping up on the counter to watch.

AJ smirked and nodded. “I know.” He went to work heating the skillet and melting the butter. Once the skillet was hot enough he poured the batter in. Brian sat on the counter watching AJ cook. There was something about him that oozed sexuality and Brian couldn’t tear his eyes away. The man was making pancakes for god’s sakes and all Brian could think about was devouring him.

AJ flipped the pancakes with ease knowing full well that Brian’s eyes were on him the entire time. Sometimes it felt good to know that Brian was looking at him. He put Brian’s pancakes on a plate and added syrup and whipped cream, just the way Brian liked it, before handing the older man the plate. He smiled in satisfaction as Brian’s eyes light up. “These look great Alex,” Brian said smiling widely.

AJ laughed and went back to making the rest of the pancakes. Brian had taken to calling him Alex lately and AJ couldn’t have been happier. He always hated it when Brian called him AJ. It was so impersonal, he much preferred when Brian called him Alex. It made him think that maybe, possibly, Brian was thinking about how it used to be between them. When they first got together everything was perfect and wonderful, that’s when Brian had originally started calling him Alex. He wished they could go back to those times.

Brian ate his pancakes quietly watching AJ closely. The younger man looked tormented and beaten down. Brian only prayed that they hadn’t caused those feelings. He knew he was relying too heavily on AJ’s help, but sometimes he couldn’t help himself. Them raising Baylee together just felt natural, right. Sometimes Brian had to catch himself before he said or did something stupid. Sometimes it was hard to remember that they weren’t together anymore. He hadn’t thought of the toll that taking care of Baylee could have had on him. Baylee wasn’t AJ’s problem.

Once AJ finished he made a plate for himself and leaned against the counter facing Brian. “This is going to be a long couple of days.” Brian said sitting his plate down and hoping off the counter. He dug around in the refrigerator until he found some apple juice. He poured two glasses, one for each of them, and handed a glass to AJ. AJ drank it greedily finding himself more thirsty than he thought he was. Brian finished eating and took both of their plates.

“It’s nice that he’s beginning to sleep through the night.” AJ commented nodding towards the bedroom where Baylee was sleeping soundly. AJ finished his glass and placed it back on the counter. Brian nodded.

“I don’t know what I would have done all of these months without you. You’ve went far beyond the call of friendship to help me and I cannot thank you enough. I promise I will start handling things better on my own. I feel horrible that you’re the one saddled with helping all the time. Baylee is my responsibility and it’s unfair of me to constantly ask for your help and I apologize. It means the world to me what you’ve done, but I can’t continue to do this to you. I feel awful for what I’ve put you through.” Brian said shaking his head and turning away.

“You don’t have to thank me, and don’t you dare think of taking that baby away from me. I don’t do these things because I have to or I feel obligated to. I do them because I want to. I want to help and most of the time it’s me offering to help, not the other way around. I could probably count on one hand how many times you have actually asked for help. I love him and I love you and I’m going to do whatever I can to help out. I would do anything and everything to help make this easier on you.” AJ said smiling and pulling the older man into his arms. He hugged Brian closely. Brian snuggled deeper into AJ’s arms and sighed. “I love you too.” He mumbled into AJ’s chest.

AJ froze unsure of what Brian had really said. His thoughts ran a million miles a minute. He knew what Brian had said, he just didn’t know if he could believe it. His heart beat sped up and he could feel himself beginning to grow dizzy. Was this really, finally happening? He pulled back gently and looked deeply into Brian’s eyes searching; yearning to see what he had longed to see for so long. Brian stared back, his eyes full of unshed tears and plenty of emotions.

AJ leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Brian’s. Brian sighed softly and fell into the kiss, needing it like he needed air to breath. He tightened his hold on AJ, convinced he would try to leave. AJ smiled into the kiss and pulled Brian closer. They both got lost in the kiss trying desperately to erase all of the hurt and pain they had both been though. When the need for air became too great they pulled away from each other, both looking at each other afraid and unsure.

Brian spoke first. “Why did you do that?” he asked quietly, scared to hear the answer.

“Because you said you loved me. Was that true?” AJ asked eyeing Brian curiously.

Brian nodded, finally allowing the tears he had kept to spill down his cheeks. “Yes, I do. I love you so much. So much it’s killing me. I don’t deserve to love you. I don’t deserve anything from you. I’m so tired of hurting you and bringing you pain. I can’t stand to do it anymore. I need you so badly I can’t hardly handle it sometimes. “ Brian said looking away.

AJ caught Brian’s chin and turned his face so that he could look into his eyes. “Angel, I love you more than life itself. I have loved you, wanted you, needed you for so long that I know that would never change. Nothing you do could ever make me stop loving you.” AJ said seriously.

Brian cried out and buried his head in AJ’s chest. “I’m just so sorry. All I wanted to do was love you and I just kept making everything a complete mess.” Brian said crying.

AJ held Brian tighter allowing him to cry. He was crying as well. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. Brian loved him. Brian had always loved him. He kissed Brian again, this time allowing everything he had been feeling come through. He finally felt complete, like his life was worth living again.


	37. Chapter 37

Twenty hours already on this bus and Nick didn’t want to begin to figure out how many more there were to go. Somehow he had gotten stuck on the old man bus and he was quickly running out of things to keep him occupied. He couldn’t remember a time when he had been so bored. He was beginning to slightly lose his mind. He hated solitary confinement. Every time he tried to talk to one of the other guys they brushed him off leaving him to his own devices. This never led to anything good, idol hands and all that.

Kevin and Howie had been going over figured and dates and having telephoned conferences with management. This left no one for Nick to talk to or do anything with. It wasn’t that much fun to play video games by himself. He had watched all the movies on the bus, there was nothing on tv and he hated to read. He was ready to pull his hair out.

“Hey Nick we’ll be stopping soon so make sure you’re dressed and ready to go.” Howie said yelling down the hallway from the kitchen before he resumed his duties with Kevin.

Nick’s eyes brightened and he began jumping off the walls at the mere prospect of stopping. That meant that he could switch buses. A screaming baby would be more fun than being stuck one more minute on this bus. He watched out the window as a McDonald’s came into view and waited excitedly until the bus slowed to a stop and opened the side doors. He bounced off the bus before Kevin or Howie had even gotten up from the table. He bounced back and forth waiting impatiently for the second bus to pull in and stop. Howie and Kevin came down off the bus and walked past Nick still deep in conversation neither one paying any attention to anything else.

After what seemed like an eternity Brian and AJ came off their bus hand in hand with AJ holding the Baylee’s carrier. Nick smiled softly to himself, knowing the bus ride must have at least been good for something. Brian smiled up at Nick as they walked closer. “Hey Nick. What’s going on?” he asked eyeing the blonde curiously. “Can I ride the rest of the way with you guys? Please! I am so bored on the other bus!” AJ laughed and nodded, knowing how boring it could get when Howie got into his business mode. “Sure, just don’t keep they baby up, or you’ll be the one having to deal with him.” AJ said smirking.

They made their way into the McDonalds and placed their order. Once they reached the table Nick rolled his eyes at the two older men. Kevin and Howie were chatting on about one thing or another about the upcoming concert. “Come on guys relax. You’ve already got Nicky switching buses because neither of you will play with him. You old men need to kill the business talk until you’re back on your bus.” AJ said shaking his head smiling. “Traitor.” Kevin said throwing a fry at Nick. Nick stuck out his tongue and smiled. “I’ve been bored for hours, and hours, and hours.” Nick said sighing heavily. They all laughed and went back to eating.

“Guys, we have something to tell you,” Brian said lightly threading his fingers with AJ’s. AJ smiled down at them before bringing Brian’s hand up to his lips and kissing it gently. “We’re together.” Brian said blushing slightly.

Howie nodded and smiled. “’bout damn time Bone.” He said laughing.

AJ blushed as well and gently hid his face in Brian’s neck. Brian laughed back and patted him on the head. “So everyone’s alright with this?” He asked suddenly scared of their reactions. He sagged back against the seat as he saw the rest of the guys nodding and smiling. He never imagined they would be this accepting. “Just be good to each other. We love you both.” Kevin said smiling at his cousin. He couldn’t help the pang of jealousy he felt knowing Brian had finally gotten exactly what he had always wanted. He looked away quickly before Brian could read his expression. This was their time to be happy and he refused to ruin it.

“Thanks guys. It means a lot to us that we have your support.” AJ said leaning over and kissing Brian’s forehead. Brian smiled back relief shining brightly in his blue eyes. For once things were starting to turn around.

~*~  
AJ lay awake in Brian’s arms content in the warmth that they brought him. Brian was like a little furnace. He warmed AJ from the inside out without so much as lifting a finger. He loved nothing more than to be pressed up against him, loving the way their bodies just seemed to perfectly fit together. He loved everything about Brian. Brian snuggled into his side and kissed him softly.

“We really have to do something about Nick.” AJ said sighing softly looking at Brian. Brian chuckled. “Whatever do you mean?” he asked innocently.

“I mean he has to go, and soon. We already have one little adorable interruption, we don’t need another one. He must get off our bus!” AJ said laughing.

“I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to overstep my bounds. I wasn’t sure what happened between the two of you and I didn’t want to get involved in something that wasn’t any of my business.” Brian said lying his head on AJ’s chest loving to be as close to the other man as humanly possible.

AJ shook his head softly. “Nothing happened. We hung out, went on one date and then when it should have went further I couldn’t do it. And then a lot of shit happened and I didn’t want anything to do with him like that. I loved you, I’ve always loved you. Even when I tried to fool myself into thinking I could handle being with someone else something else would happen to show me that there was only you for me. I just think he’s lonely.” AJ said leaning down and kissing the top of Brian’s head.

Brian smiled into AJ’s chest secretly thrilled. Self-consciously he had been worried about what had happened between AJ and Nick. He was glad he finally had the whole story without having to prod or beg for it. He kissed the center of AJ’s chest, right by his heartbeat. “I love you,” Brian said sweetly.

“I love you too Angel.” AJ couldn’t believe the turn of events the last few days had brought. Brian loved him. He would never get tired of hearing those words come out of his mouth.

“I think he needs to get a girlfriend.” Brian said laughing. AJ snorted, “Yeah right. He’ll never find a girlfriend.” Brian slapped him playfully. “That’s a mean thing to say. I’m sure he’ll find someone eventually.” Brian said looking at AJ. AJ laughed, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that he was too hung up on Kevin to fully commit himself to anyone else.”

Brian froze and sat up quickly in bed. AJ looked at his boyfriend curiously as he began to bounce excitedly. “What’s the deal baby?” AJ said laughing softly. “Are you serious?” AJ nodded confused.

“Yeah…why?”

Brian’s eyes sparkled in the faint lamp light making him appear even more angelic than he normally did. He smiled. “Kevin has been in love with Nick for so long.” He said smiling. AJ sat up too. “No shit, are you serious?” he said mimicking Brian’s earlier actions. Brian nodded enthusiastically.

“Actually, it’s why he left in the first place. In all honesty it’s the key to what happened between you and me too.” Brian said pulling the covers closer to him. AJ looked at him curiously urging him to go on. “Kristen found out about Kevin’s feelings and threatened to go to the press. She told Kevin he could either leave the group or she would go to the press and ruin him and Nick. Kevin tried to kill himself, or he damn near succeeded. He slit his wrists. I found him bleeding on the bathroom floor of a hotel room. He told me everything that had happened but swore me to secrecy. He never wanted Nick to know. He didn’t want to bring Nick down with him so he decided to leave. I freaked out after seeing all of this and continued to deny my feelings for you. I was scared of what Leighanne would do. I knew it would be hard for us to have a normal relationship and I got scared. So instead of telling you how I really felt and actually doing something about it I made you believe I only wanted you for sex. Never in a million years did I ever imagine that Nick would feel the same for Kevin.” Brian said shaking his head.

AJ smiled and pulled Brian to him, wrapping his arms securely around the other man, momentarily forgetting about Kevin and Nick. He held him tightly in an attempt to show him just how much he loved him. “I know things between us are going to take some time to fix and I know what we will face will be hard. The public, our fans, our families may not be as happy about us being together as we are, but I love you with all of my heart and I will stand beside you and fight to be with you until the end baby. I spent too much time without you to give a damn what anyone else wants anymore. I want you and that’s all that matters to me.” AJ said staring deep into Brian’s blue eyes.

Brian fought to keep his eyes from tearing up. “I love you too baby. I feel the same way. I’ve spent so much time longing to be near you and to be loved by you. I need you more than anything. You’re stuck with me baby and I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“I think we should do something about this.” AJ said pulling away from Brian so he could lean back against the headboard. He settled him and brought Brian back against him. Brian smiled. “I do too, but what should we do?” he questioned.

“I guess we could tell one or the other and urge them to do something about it, but then we may have to wait twelve hundred years for one of those two to make a move. Maybe we should just lock them in a room together somewhere.” AJ said laughing, “Or put them both on the same bus alone and see what happens. It helped us grow closer.” Brian smiled.

“That seems like a great idea.” He said curling up in AJ’s lap. He laid his head against AJ shoulders as AJ brought his arms down around him snuggling Brian back against him. “I really love you,” Brian said softly closing his eyes. AJ smiled and kissed the top of his head. “I love you too angel.” He could really get used to this.

“So I guess the next time we see Howie we ask him to ride with us.” Brian said sleepily. AJ smiled. “We have to do something and quick or Nicky may not make it to the next city!” AJ said laughing.


	38. Chapter 38

Howie was packing his bags to board the bus when there was a knock at the door. He sighed threw the shirt he was currently folding down on the bed before walking over to answer the door. He was never going to get ready to go. One thing after another required his attention this morning throwing him further and further behind. He opened the door and was surprised to see Brian and AJ standing on the other side of the door. He smiled and stepped aside to let them enter the room.

“What’s up guys?” He asked shutting the door behind them and turning around. He did not like the mischievous looks on their faces.

“We need some help.” AJ said smiling wickedly. Howie hated that look with a passion. Nothing good ever came from that look. At least nothing Howie ever liked. He was secretly thrilled to see AJ so happy. He never imagined it would be Brian that made AJ happy, but he was glad that his friend had finally found the happiness he deserved.

Howie rolled his eyes. “What am I going to have to do?” he asked suddenly very scared. Brian smiled too. “We need you to ride on our bus to the next city. We figured out that Nick and Kevin feel a little more than friends for each other and if we make them ride alone for while maybe they will figure it out and get together.” Brian said smiling sweetly at Howie.

Howie sighed. He did not want to ride on a bus with a baby to the next city, but he would like to spend time with them, and it was for a good cause. He had known about Kevin’s feelings for quite a while and had suspected Nick’s. It only made sense that the oldest and youngest members be given an opportunity to figure it out for themselves.

“Oh, alright. Just tell Junior that I want to spend time with Baylee because otherwise he’ll ask way too many questions and your plan will never work.”

They jumped up and hugged Howie together. Howie laughed and shoved them away. They said their goodbyes and left the room, laughing and smiling as they went. Howie shook his head and went back to packing. Their bus always left late anyway, at least now he would have a little longer to get ready.

~*~

Nick was waiting in their hotel room by the time they got back. “Where have you guys been? I told Rachel I would watch Baylee so she could go get her stuff ready to leave and you’ve been gone forever.” Nick said glaring at them.

Brian smiled. “Thanks bro. We were in Howie’s room. He wanted to talk to us. He wants to know if you will be willing to switch buses so he can spend some time with Baylee. “Brian said hopefully. Nick hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Sure I guess I’ll switch. If he really wants to.”

Brian nodded and smiled at Nick. AJ busied himself packing up all of Baylee’s toys so he would not jump up and down at the prospect of getting rid of Nick. He longed for some alone time with Brian and he was never going to get it if Nick stayed on their bus. AJ looked up in enough time to see Nick leaving the room and smiled. He snuck up behind Brian and wrapped his arms around him. “I love you Alex,” Brian said softly. AJ kissed Brian’s cheek. “I love you too Angel.” They stood like that for awhile enjoying the quiet and each other.

~*~

Kevin was busy adding an assortment of foods to the cabinets on the bus and didn’t notice when Nick had boarded. He had been informed that Nick and Howie was switching buses almost an hour before they left so he had one of his body guards go to the story to get an array of junk food for the younger man. Nick would be unbearable to be with if he didn’t have things to eat.

He had no idea how he was going to survive a bus ride with Nick all alone. There had always been that third person to take his mind off the blonde but now it was just the two of them. Nothing good could come from this.

Nick placed his stuff in his bunk and sighed. Why did he even agree to this? This was going to be a living nightmare. He would either wind up killing Kevin or kissing him, both options he ended up dead so he was pretty much done for. He hoped Baylee cried the entire bus trip, served Howie right.

He hung around the bunk area for as long as he could before he figured he should at least talk to Kevin. Nick wondered through the bus and found Kevin sprawled out on the couch in the lounge. Nick plopped down on the plush chair beside the couch and focused his attention on the TV. He hated when Kevin had control of the remote.

“Are we really going to watch CNN all afternoon?” Nick asked sarcastically. Kevin rolled his eyes and tossed Nick the remote. Nick frowned seeing Kevin get mad. He hadn’t meant to upset him.

“I was only joking Kev. We can watch whatever you want.” Nick said placing the remote down on the coffee table and curling up in the chair. Great. He had already managed to make the older man mad and they had barely been on the road for fifteen minutes. Kevin looked at Nick and sighed. He hated upsetting the blonde when all he wanted to do was make him happy, and he could, given the chance. This was not going to be a fun bus ride.

“I had my body guard go and buy you some stuff to eat. Howie and I threw the other stuff out when you switched buses.” Kevin said stretching out on the couch. “Thanks Kev.” Nick said, his eyes still focused firmly on the television. Kevin smiled to himself. He knew how much Nick hated the news but here he was suffering through it because he thought that was what Kevin wanted. They sat in silence with only the television program humming softly between them.

“So this is pretty boring.” Kevin said after a long while looking over at Nick. Nick smiled softly and nodded. “Yeah, it’s really boring Kev.” The silence overtook them again making the tension rise in the room. Both men were desperately trying to keep their minds and emotions at ease but nothing seemed to be working well. Nick longed to get out of the chair and curl up on the couch with Kevin while Kevin longed to be in the chair.

“I’m really sorry about Kristen Kev. I don’t think I’ve told you that yet since you’ve been back.” Nick said softly. Kevin sighed and sat up on the couch. “It was for the best Nicky. My marriage was over a long time ago. We just couldn’t manage to let it go.” Nick looked over at Kevin and shook his head at the other man’s saddened face. He hated seeing Kevin in pain, looking so lost and all alone. Kevin ran his hands over his face and groaned as he saw Nick silently watching him from his place on the chair.

Kevin left the couch and went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water for himself and a can of coke for Nick. He walked back into the lounge and handed the coke to Nick. He opened his water bottle and took a long drink before falling back into the couch’s embrace. “How do you always do that?” Nick asked softly, holding the can in his hands. Kevin looked at him quizzically.

“What do you mean? How do I do what?”

“How do you know what I want or what I need most of the time before I even do?” Nick asked looking intently at the older man.

Kevin shrugged. “I don’t know. I just do. That’s my job to take care of you and to make sure everything’s ok. I’ve been talking care of you since you were twelve years old. Sometimes it’s hard to stop.” Kevin said softly.

“I’m not a little boy anymore Kev. I’m all grown up. When are you going to see that? Why do you continuously want to control me?” Nick asked coming to sit on the couch beside Kevin.

Kevin shook his head sadly. “I don’t want to control you. I just want to take care of you. I want to keep you safe, happy. I just want you to be alright. I don’t want anything to ever hurt you.” Kevin said looking up into Nick’s crystal clear blue eyes.

“Then why are you always hurting me Kev? Why does every time you turn away from me make me feel like my world is ending. How come every time I go to sleep I have to cry in loneliness because you’re not there next to me? Why did you leave me, for months, and make me feel like I was literally dying. Why is it that if you want to protect me so damn much you don’t open your eyes and see I’ve been standing in front of you for years waiting impatiently for you to love me half as much as I love you?” Nick said tears sliding slowly down his cheeks. Nick’s heart was beating a million miles a minute and he could feel himself begin to lose control. He prayed that he wasn’t imagining the look he saw in Kevin’s eyes and that he hadn’t just totally fucked up their friendship.

Kevin let out a choked sob and looked away. He felt the words Nick had said echoing in his mind. He couldn’t believe the words that had been spoken. He couldn’t handle all of this at once, it was just too much. There were too many emotions, too much hurt. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the notion that Nick could actually feel the same way.

“Look at me Kev.” Nick said softly suddenly very regretful of what he had just done.

Kevin shook his head rather forcefully and refused to look at the younger man seated in front of him. He kept his head bowed. Nick reached up and cupped Kevin’s face in his hand. “What’s the matter?” Nick asked gently pulling on Kevin’s face in an attempt to make him look up at him. Kevin turned with the guidance of Nick’s hand and his breath caught in his throat. Nick was absolutely beautiful. Kevin closed his eyes and leaned into Nick’s touch. Nick leaned in cupping the other side of Kevin’s face with his other hand. He smiled gently at Kevin before he leaned in and gently placed his lips on the other man’s.

Kevin exhaled slowly afraid to move for fear he would wake up from this beautiful dream. Kevin began to kiss him back softly at first but then allowed the kiss to deepen. Nick smiled into the kiss causing Kevin to smile as well. They pulled away and stared at each other quietly.

“I love you. “ Kevin said softly.  
Nick smiled. “I love you too.”

Kevin shook his head, finally needing to get this all out before he lost his nerve. “No, I mean I really love you Nicky.” Nick’s smile widened. “I know. I really love you too. I’ve loved you for so long. I’ve just been waiting for you to stop seeing me as the little boy you needed to take care of and start seeing me as the man you could spend your life with.” Nick said softly, his hands still cupping Kevin’s face.

Kevin’s eyes filled with tears and he looked down trying to get them under control. He breathed heavily and tried to keep from crying but he couldn’t help it. Nick looked at him scared for a moment before gently urging the older man to speak.

“This is the reason why I left.” Kevin said trying to keep his tears under control.

Nick’s eyes went wide. “Wh..what do you mean Kev?” Nick stuttered pulling Kevin tightly against him.

Kevin took a deep breath before beginning. “Kristen found out about how I felt for you. She threatened to go public with the information. She wanted to ruin our lives because I had ruined hers. I couldn’t let her do that to you. None of this was your fault and you didn’t deserve any of it. I agreed to her terms and left to concentrate on our marriage. She thought if she had me all to herself she would be able to convince me to love her again. Once she realized that would never happen she went ballistic. I thought I would be stuck in that hell forever. Then I caught her cheating on me and I finally had the leverage I needed to file for divorce and get out before I lost my mind. She had no right to anything that I had. She violated the prenup and she got nothing. As soon as everything was final I packed my stuff and came crawling back. I hated being away from all of you. This is my life and I’m not going anywhere else again.” Kevin said wiping his eyes.

Nick looked at him shocked. “Why did you do all of that? Why didn’t you just tell me? All this time, all this pain and loneliness could have been avoided, all of it.” Nick whispered. Kevin kissed him gently.

“There is no use in getting all upset about it now. It’s done and over. All I want is you. We can move on together if that’s what you want.” Kevin said looking at Nick hopefully. Nick smiled and wiped eyes before wrapping his arms around Kevin. He kissed him gently and smiled against Kevin’s lips. “I want to be with you always.”


	39. Chapter 39

Brian woke up and snuggled into the space beside him fully prepared to hit AJ’s warm body, but instead all he found was cool sheets. He sat up quickly looking around the room trying to figure out where AJ had gone. He couldn’t figure out why AJ was not beside him.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stumbled around until he finally found a pair of boxers on the floor and slid them on over his slim hips. He made his way into the front of the bus. It was dark except for a single candle lit on the coffee table in the lounge.

AJ sat curled up in the corner of the couch with Baylee lying in his lap. From where Brian stood in the doorway of the lounge it looked like AJ was crying. He walked further into the room squinting to see. AJ didn’t hear him come in and continued to play with Baylee. Brian reached the couch and folded his legs underneath him settling in beside his boyfriend. He laid a hand on AJ’s shoulder softly causing him to look up at Brian startled. Brian’s face softened seeing the tear tracks down AJ’s face.

“What’s the matter baby?” Brian asked getting comfortable in the couch. AJ sniffed and shook his head. He smiled as Baylee smiled and grabbed his finger and wouldn’t let it go. He allowed Baylee to pull it into his mouth and he quietly gummed it content with lying there.

“I’m fine. I just heard Bay wake up and I came in here to calm him down so you wouldn’t have to get up.” AJ said softly. Brian studied him for a moment unconvinced. Something had sent AJ into tears and he wasn’t moving until he figured out just what that was. Brian put his arm around AJ’s shoulder and pulled the younger man closer to him.

“Baby tell me what’s really wrong. Don’t lie. I know something’s going on. Just tell me what it is.” Brian whispered against AJ’s temple as he kissed the side of AJ’s head. AJ closed his eyes tightly and shook gently as the tears overtook him. Brian pulled him completely into his arms now very scared as to what was actually bothering him.

“I’m really alright. I just needed some time to think. I can’t believe this is real. I’ve wanted this for so long Bri, wanted you for so long that I never allowed myself to believe you would ever love me the same way I love you. Then when you had Baylee I figured my chance with you was completely over. But you still let me in. I was there with you from the moment you first laid eyes on him. I was the one who held him first somehow to me over time it just started feeling like he was our son, not yours and Leigh’s. I was so happy the first time you kissed me. I love you, so much, I’m not sure if you will ever understand how I really feel about you, but I’m so scared of screwing this up. I would die if you left me now.” AJ managed to get out before looking away.

Brian smiled softly relieved there was nothing seriously wrong. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside to hear how much AJ really cared about him and Baylee. “Baby,” Brian said turning so AJ could look him in the eyes while still holding Baylee. “I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I first walked in the door to this group. I was unsure of my feelings because they were so strong and so unlike anything I had ever felt before so I ignored them. I married Leighanne when all I wanted was to be with you. I’ve never felt this way before about anyone. I need you more than you could ever understand. You give me the strength to get out of bed in the mornings some days, baby. Just knowing I can see your beautiful face makes me get up and face whatever challenge that is currently on my shoulders. Baylee and I are not going anywhere.” Brian said smiling at the other man. He leaned in and kissed AJ’s lips gently.

“I was so thankful the day Baylee was born that you were there with me. I couldn’t believe that after everything that happened between us you still came with me to the hospital and never left my side the entire time. I wished he had been our child. I know that’s biologically impossible for us to have children, but this makes it feel like Baylee is really ours. You’ve been there since he was born and then when I brought him home you were the one person who stepped up and helped me. I have considered Baylee our child, at least in my mind, ever since. I was terrified of being a single father, but I am thrilled at the prospect of us doing this together. I love you Alex, more than I’ve ever loved anything in this world and I will never leave you again. We’re going to be alright.” Brian said hugging AJ closely to him and leaned back on the couch.

AJ smiled. “I love our little family.” AJ said holding a sleeping Baylee closer to his chest. Brian kissed the top of AJ’s head. “I love it too, who knew AJ McLean would be such a family man.” Brian said smiling widely.

AJ blushed. “I always knew I wanted to have a family, but I only wanted that family with you and my entire life I never imagined that happening. So I just pushed the whole idea out of my head.” Brian smiled and watched AJ holding Baylee. “You’re so good with him. I think he took to you the moment you held him for the first time. Sometimes I think he likes you more than he likes me.” Brian said laughing.

AJ smiled smugly. “Well I love you more than enough to make up for it.”

Brian grew quiet for a moment and laid his head on AJ’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you would still want to be with me after everything I put you through. I raped you baby, that’s unforgiveable. I beat myself up so many nights over that. I wanted to be with you so badly and I could tell that you had started to pull away from me because I wouldn’t leave Leighanne and commit to you. No one could blame you though. You didn’t deserve to be caught up in that mess. I was so scared of loving you. I tried to deny it, to fight it because I knew no one would understand.” He paused to take a breath.

“I know my family is going to go insane over this. They’ll probably never talk to me again. I knew the media, our fans would never understand and we would have to lock ourselves up to be together and sneak around, I was scared of all of that so I decided it was easier to pretend like I didn’t need you the same ways you needed me. For awhile I even believed it myself. Then it all got to be too much. Living a lie is harder than living as I was before. I needed you, so badly. I thought about you all the time, all I wanted to do was just be with you. Leighanne got to be a bother because I couldn’t even stand to look at her the same way, but I had to keep pretending like she was all I ever needed. She knew, I believe so at least. I know that’s why she started to pull away from me as well. Then I decided that being with you was what I needed to survive and be happy so I decided to tell you how much I loved you, to end my marriage, and finally be free to love you in all the ways I so desperately wanted to. “Brian wiped the tears that were slowly making waves down AJ’s cheeks.

“That’s when I found Kevin. I got so scared baby. Scared of what Leighanne would try to do to you once she found out. I figured she would lose it the way that Kristin did. I retreated further into myself and pretended like I wasn’t lonely without you, but I was going crazy baby. Then I finally lost it and hurt you in ways that I can’t even begin to explain or apologize for. I am so sorry. I know that does nothing to heal you but you have to know that. I knew after that night that I was in hell. All I wanted to do was love you and it seemed like no matter what I did I kept hurting you and making it worse. I felt like the biggest loser in the world and I hated myself for what I did to you. Leighanne told me our marriage was over and then I started seeing you with Nick and it was just like one thing after another kept hitting me harder. I knew there was no way that you could ever forgive me so I ran. I went to my condo and tried to put my feelings for you to behind me once and for all so I could move on, but nothing seemed to work. Seeing you with Nick broke me. Then I found out that Baylee had been born and you were right there. You never once left my side. Every step of the way and I could not have asked for anything else. We can do this, you and me. We’re going to make it work. We’ve come full circle and I don’t want to ever let you go. “ Brian said leaning against AJ.

AJ wrapped an arm around his shoulders securely and held him close. It felt good to finally have everything out in the open.

“What about your family now?” AJ asked softly staring at a spot on the floor to avoid Brian’s eyes. Brian smiled and snuggled closer to AJ. “Fuck my family. If they can’t be happy for me then I don’t care. I spent too much of my life needing you with me and going without. I was in hell before you, and I’m not going to live my life by anyone else’s terms and conditions. I don’t see the need to run and tell them and start a huge fight, but I’m not going to hide it and they’ll find out eventually. When they do we’ll deal with it then. There is only you for me, end of story.” Brian said softly.

AJ smiled. He still couldn’t believe that he had gotten so lucky. He loved this family, more than anything in the world and nothing was ever going to take them away from him. He was finally happy. They were quiet for awhile both just enjoying each other’s company before AJ spoke again.

“I want you to live with me.” He said suddenly causing Brian to sit up and look at him carefully. “What?” Brian questioned.

AJ nodded. “We’re not going to be on tour forever and I don’t think I can handle not having you with me every night. I’ll miss you both too damn much for you to be anywhere else. I’m in this for the long haul. This isn’t some fleeting thing to me. It only makes sense that we should live together.” Brian smiled a small shy smile. “You really want us there with you?” Brian asked softly.

AJ smiled at him. “Of course I want you there angel. I want you with me every day. So what do you say? Will you come live with me?” Brian wrapped his arms around AJ’s neck and kissed his cheek. “Of course we will baby. We would love to stay with you. This is really exciting.” Brian said beaming.

AJ laughed and kissed Brian softly. They settled back into the couch and held each other, Baylee nestled in between them. They really were one happy little family.


	40. Chapter 40

AJ gently shook Brian awake as he pulled up outside of their home in L.A. Brian smiled sleepily as he woke squeezing AJ’s hand gently. Home. They were finally home. They had completed the tour and we’re finally home for some much needed down time. They were finally together and ready to really begin their life together. Baylee was dead asleep in the back seat. He had fallen asleep as soon as they had got on the plane and had stayed that way throughout the night.

AJ got out of the car and helped Brian out as well. He grabbed the car seat and took Brian’s hand, threading their fingers together. “Let’s go inside. We can get the bags tomorrow. It’s been a long night. I think we’re all ready for bed.” AJ said leading his family to the front door.

AJ had secretly hired someone to come and convert one of the spare bedrooms into a nursery for Baylee and had repainted and purchased and new bedroom suit for the master bedroom. He wanted everything to be perfect for when they got home. AJ wanted Brian and Baylee to feel at home here. He smiled he couldn’t believe they were finally here, together. Every day seemed like a dream he never wanted to wake up from.

The boys finally had time off. AJ was more than thrilled that the time off would give them plenty of time to fully move Brian into AJ’s home and allow the three of them to really bond as a family before they finally had to face the world again.

They made their way into the dark house turning on lights as they went. It felt good to be home. He took Brian’s hand and led him upstairs and down the hall. He turned and kissed Brian gently. “I have a surprise for you.” AJ said smiling. Brian’s eyes danced with excitement. “What is it baby?” He asked curiously holding the heavy car seat. AJ turned and opened the door to the nursery flipping on the light switch as he stepped inside. He was amazed at how well it looked. He had only saw pictures but was more than pleased with the outcome. Brian stepped into the room and gasped in surprise. “You didn’t have to do this!” he exclaimed looking all around the room. He couldn’t believe that AJ would do all of this for his son, their son. He smiled at the thought.

He took the sleepy baby out of the car seat and gently placed him in the crib in the center of the room. Brian turned and wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist. He kissed the younger man forcefully trying to convey without words how much this small gesture meant to him. Brian smiled against AJ’s mouth. “I love you.” He said sweetly. AJ smiled back. “I love you too Angel. I have one more surprise.” He said turning and pulling Brian out of the room. He led him down the hallway a little further until they reached the master bedroom. He pushed open the door and pushed Brian inside before turning on the light.

Brian gasped in delight again; having been in AJ’s house numerous times he noted the changes to the room almost immediately. Brian looked at AJ curiously. He couldn’t understand all the changes to the bedroom AJ had designed himself. AJ smiled. “I wanted to be able to start our lives together the right way. I didn’t want to share a bed that I had spent so many nights alone in.”AJ said kissing Brian’s cheek.

He wrapped his arms tightly around Brian’s middle and brought him as close as he could to him. Brian smiled and brought AJ down with him on the side of the bed. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a long envelope. AJ looked at him confused. Brian opened it and took out several pages, smoothing them out before handing them all to AJ. AJ took them carefully, unsure of what they were. He read the papers carefully his eyes lighting up as he went.

“You want me to adopt Baylee?” he asked hoarsely, the tears welling up in his eyes. Brian smiled and cupped his cheek with his hand.

“You’re already his father in every other sense of the word. You’re the only one I would ever imagine being with. If you’re not ready for this I completely understand. I just want you to know that I am ready to take this step. I have loved you for so long and now I can tell you that freely. I would love nothing more than to make you officially part of this family.” Brian said smiling at the younger man.

AJ smiled as well the tears falling freely down his cheeks. ‘I’m ready for this. I just want to make sure that you were sure. I would be honored to be Baylee’s father. I love both of you more than anything and I promise to take care of both of you. You two mean everything to me.” AJ said kissing Brian sweetly, tears shining in both their eyes.

They closed the master bedroom door behind them and collapsed on the bed. Brian laughed as AJ picked up a baby monitor off of the night table. AJ smiled and turned it on. “I didn’t want to freak when we couldn’t hear him. We haven’t slept away from him since he was born.” AJ said softly sitting the monitor down on the table. He snuggled down under the covers with Brian. Brian wrapped himself around him and kissed his cheek. “I can’t believe Kevin flew home with Nick.” Brian said lying his head on AJ’s chest. AJ laughed. “I guess it was bound to happen sometime. I’m really glad their finally happy. They deserve it.”

They quieted down both exhausted from their flight. Brian scooted closer loving being able to lay with AJ in their own bed. “Get your cold feet off of me!” AJ yelped laughing. Brian laughed and kissed AJ’s chest lightly. “We really are going to be great baby. I’m so glad we’re finally together.” Brian said. AJ kissed the top of his head and pulled him as close as possible, both men falling asleep in each other’s arms. “I love you,” Brian whispered moments before he fell asleep causing AJ to smile. “Love you too Angel,” he whispered back. It was amazing what could happen when two people so desperately in love with each other learned to let go.

“I need you to know, that you can let go”

~*The End*~


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